Weighed in at 126 today -- which is actually really good, because for the last several days I've been weighing in in the late 120s, and even had a 130-point-something day. I'm pretty sure the scale was higher because I stopped taking my Remeron. Even in the hospital I noticed that Remeron really dehydrated me for the first several days that I was taking it, so the fact that I've been edemic for several days since coming off it really shouldn't surprise me. However, I think my body's water contents are starting to balance again now, so I'm returning to the weight I was before I started retaining water: around 125-126.

I know that such a weight, given my height, build, and the fact that I am a fully developed adult woman now, is perfectly normal. It's even, god forbid, a decent weight for me to stay at. It's really too bad that my eating disorder doesn't agree. All it knows is that my pants are a lot tighter now -- my tighter sweaters show newly rounded love handles -- I jiggle, to the point of pain, when I jog or otherwise jump or run around during exercise. It's just ridiculous. And my brain just keeps telling me I have to get rid of it. "Why did you let them make you fat? God. Now you have to 'diet' again to get rid of it." Because it prefers the word diet. Restriction seems like a death sentence, but 'diet' seems like a simple weight loss technique. Because that's what I keep thinking of it as. "Well, all I want to do is lose weight. That's not really an eating disorder, is it?"

Fooling myself. I know. But it doesn't even feel like fooling -- because I really do want to lose the "extra" weight. And I know I can, because I've done it before. I even know how, to the point that restricting is almost an instinctive thing. I know the foods I "shouldn't" have; I know the calories, at least generally, in pretty much anything I would be willing to regularly consume and get the calories from. I know how it's done. I know.

So, my mind says, why should you bother trying to fight that? You don't want to stay FAT, do you? You don't want to have to keep buying bigger sizes you don't even plan to have fit you in a few months, do you? You don't want to be a fattie with no control, do you? DO you?

And then my mind says back: "Well, no, no I don't."

And I don't even WANT to fight that. Because it seems perfectly normal to me. I mean, who actually wants to be fat?

Fifteen pounds. Gotta lose 15 lbs. Maybe more after; but 15 lbs minimum. Gotta be back to 110 again.

Yeah, I know I'm pathetic. You don't have to tell me.