So... I went out to the mall with my mom and sister and my sister's friend, and I bought some track pants to wear at Curves, a random t-shirt for summer, and five pairs of undies. Cool, right? Well, I was pretty sure that afterwards we were going to go eat... and sure enough, that's exactly what we did. I had planned for that, and had gone to the Mr. Sub site to see what the lowest cal sandwiches were, but... I had to eat! Some fast this is!! But I really, honestly did not have a choice. It was either eat or have my mom suspect something was the matter with my eating. And the sub was just a little over 300 cals, I believe, which isn't that bad. But still. Nothing like ruining a fast. :|

Oh well. At the mall I got exhausted really easily, and I was dehydrated even before I got there, so, honestly, I was almost glad to have an excuse to eat something. But it was really funny when I woke up this morning, and could hardly concentrate or focus on anything... and then right after I ate my multivitamin, it was like the world came alive. It was retarded, but cool :P. (And, no, I'm not politically correct. Heck, my dad works with mentally delayed people. I don't care.) I also had one of my calcium chews, and did NOT have a chocolate craving afterward. In fact, a bit of the chew almost didn't go down -- I had to have some water with it. :/

Anyway, that's been my day so far (about... seven hours?). How has your day been?

EDIT: Oh... one thing I forgot to mention! In the (undie and bra store) I was trying on bras, and... my usual C cup doesn't quite fit anymore! I was wondering where I had lost the weight that I've lost so far (about 10 pounds now), and now I know! But, believe it or not, it actually made me happy that my boobs shrank a little bit (I am a very full B cup). I really, truly am losing weight somewhere... and somewhere fatty!! :D

Day 18 (Fast, day 2/5)

Daily weigh-in: 153.4! Sweeeeet! This liquids-only fast is gonna do me some good, I think. Yesterday I had only 13 calories -- 10 from a bowl of OXO bouillon broth, and 3 from a piece of gum. Today I am going to have a little more -- will probably have a 1/2 cup of milk, at least -- if only to fool my system into thinking it's getting food.

Today when I woke up I was a bit shaky, and slightly... I don't know if light-headed is the right word, exactly. But I only feel a tad bit weak. I guess that isn't too bad.

Anyway, I must go have a shower now, and then drink some water, and probably that half cup of milk before I go out. My mom and I are going to try Curves today, so before that we are going shopping -- I don't even have a pair of gym pants. I hope I'll get some good exercise out of it. :)

Day 17 (Fast, day 1/5)

Daily weigh-in: 154.6. Still. I guess that's better than gaining, though! :)

We'll see if I can stick to my all-liquids fast today. I really really hope so.

Okay. I know I fucked up on the fast big-time... but I want to try it again. Starting tomorrow. Heidi is going for another five days, so I may attempt that... although I may change my fast a little. Instead of going only water, I think I will have some orange juice and maybe a little milk, so that the hunger pangs don't get too unbearable, and I don't try to devour the first food that goes under my nose. I just hate that at nights I get depressed and really don't care what I eat, so I allow myself to binge. Tonight I ate 500 calories' worth of a swiss chocolate roll, bringing my total for today to a little over 800. Blargh. :/

Once that chocolate roll is gone, though, I think I can be okay. The ice cream sandwiches are already eaten, so they won't be a temptation anymore either. Also, I have all the ingredients for a low-cal pita wrap (low-cal pitas, meats, and fat-free cheese), so I may or may not eat one of those occasionally. However, I'd really like to resist solid foods if I can.

This is gonna be a toughie... but I have to try and assert my willpower somehow. Stupid body wanting lots of food. FUCK YOU, BODY. :P

Mmmkay... apparently fasting doesn't work for me :/. My dad made chicken breast, mashed potato, corn on the cob and green beans for supper, and I took some small portions to make it look like I was eating. However, when I got to my room to throw out the meal, I couldn't help myself. I mean, it was all healthy... not too many cals either (about 300, from my calculations).

I might as well just face it... I'm a disgustingly weak person who can't say no when someone puts food under her nose.

I should have known this wasn't going to work.

Day 16 (Fast, day 1/4)

Daily weigh-in: 154.6! Wow! This is the least I've weighed in a very long time... and with my four-day liquids-only fast starting today, it can only get better! :D

Speaking of that... I am tweaking my fast just a tiny bit.

For four days, I will consume only:
- Water (unlimited)
- Diet Coke (sporadically)
- I can't bring myself to drink tea, so I won't be having that.
- I may allow myself half a cup of orange juice a day (60 cals), because I still feel squicky about 0 calories a day. Call me crazy, but... it's just an irrational fear that I can barely keep under control. I don't know if I'll let myself have it today, but I may, and I may on other days.
- My medications. Can't stop those for a fast.
- A Flintstones multivitamin or two per day, and MAYBE a calcium chew. I say maybe because, often, eating those calcium chews gives me a really bad craving for chocolate, so I'm not sure if I want to risk it. Anyway, the Flintstones vitamins have a little bit of calcium in them.

And... that is my diet for the next four days. :)

Bad, bad girl. Useless girl. Worthless girl. Fat girl. PIGGY girl.

I am talking to myself, of course. First, my family dragged me to Wendy's, where I ate a kids' chicken nugget meal (lowest-cal thing I could get, except a salad, which would just seem WEIRD to my family). Tonight, I proceeded to consume part of that swiss chocolate cake, followed by two ice cream sandwiches. Then, realizing how absolutely disgusting that was, I knew I'd have to go try to purge it all up.

I at least got the ice cream up, I think. As for the cake... well, I got a little bit up. Not much, but a little. It's still better than having it all in me though.

Stick to your fucking diet next time, you idiotic piece of shit!

Take II, Day 15

Daily weigh-in: 156 exactly. Not as bad as I had feared, but still gaining... urgh. Next time, remind me to eat some HEALTHY foods on the day I go over calorie count! I honestly did not eat one single thing that could classify as healthy, unless you count the lettuce on my chicken burger or the chocolate milk. Otherwise... it was an All-The-Crap-You-Can-Eat day. *hits self with foam baseball bat* Be good today, you!

How many cals today? I'd say somewhere around 1000. Too much, I know... but I'm too fucking depressed to care. I'm lucky I had the amount of self-control I did today. I wanted to eat just about every piece of junk food / high cal food that existed in my house. I DID resist binging on Mini Croquettes. I DID resist getting a 6-piece nugget meal at McD's instead of a 4-piece. I DID resist getting regular Coke with that instead of diet. I DID resist eating a piece of a swiss chocolate cake so disgustingly high in calories that just eating one TWELFTH can put three or four hundred calories into you. So I didn't totally fail... but I certainly didn't win, either.

I just feel down today. It's not the clinical depression either. Mourning a lost friendship is not clinical depression. But it still really fucking sucks, and I still don't seem to know how to deal with it without comfort food.

Fuck.

Take II, Day 14

Daily weigh-in: 155.6! I hope this is not just my scale being stupid -- the first three times I weighed myself it gave me a different weight each time :/. But 155.6 showed up three times in a row, so, for now at least, I will trust it.

My calorie count for last night was 456... good good :). I might start varying my calorie intake a little -- today, for example, I think I set the bar for 600-700 cals. Practically every community I'm in has said that a varied calorie intake is better for weight loss than sticking to one certain goal every day. So... I decided to give myself a bit of a treat :). Tomorrow, though, it'll probably be 300-400 cals. All play and no work, after all, will make me fat. :D

Take II, Day 13

Morning weigh-in: 157.4. Grossssssss.

Not even going to bother counting calories tonight... but here is a food list:

- Large glass of water with pills
At restaurant:
- 1 large glass of regular Pepsi
- 2 fried chicken taquitos and a small part of a third one
- 1 chicken soft-shelled taco (with lettuce, sour cream, salsa, and one small strip of green pepper)
- About... oh, 15 or 20 fries? Probably about a tbsp of ketchup with those.
After:
- The chocolate insides of a thin piece of cake, about half of its height being made up of substances that were not chocolate insides
- 1 Chipper
- 1 and 0.75 cans of regular Pepsi

If you really wanna calorie-count for me, you can feel free. I am just FAR too lazy to bother trying to estimate all that. I can sum it up in two words, though: Too much.

An interesting article, found on an interesting site. (Warning: The second link leads to a pro-anorexia site.)

Fuck... I HATE it when my antidepressant stops working because I've had alcohol. It really makes me get the munchies -- and what I mean by that is that I eat for comfort, and I am too apathetic (because of the depression) to give two shits about what I eat, or calories, or anything I would if I was feeling better. I've just eaten a Chipper ice cream bar, and am working on a can of regular Pepsi -- and I don't care. Even though I know I should care. I just don't. Right now my attitude is, "I'll eat whatever the fuck I want, and however much of it I want. Why does it matter?"

I'm apathetic and having trouble concentrating and feel out of it and my mood is more "down" and I am generally just fogged-up in the brain right now. Fucking dysthymia... I hate it. And I never realized just how bad it was before I started taking this drug -- and have had a couple of instances where the alcohol has made my antidepressant stop working. How did I live like this before? I really have no idea.

Take II, Day 12

Daily weigh-in: 155.2! So apparently the McDonald's and vodka and eating "too much" last night didn't do a whole lot. I think that's pretty good.

Tonight (actually, very very soon), I'm going to a restaurant with my family to celebrate my mom's birthday, so I will likely be imbuing more calories than I really want to. However, it's funny lately -- I literally cannot fit as much food inside me at once as I could before. My stomach is perfectly satisfied with my 500 cals a day spread out, it honestly is -- no grumbling or feeling really insatiated or anything. Instead of the physical hunger, my real problem is cravings, because when I don't eat the "normal" calorie level I get cravings a LOT, particularly for sweets and grain products. That's when I have to start using the self-control.

Anyway, my point is -- I don't know if I'll even be able to finish that restaurant meal. So I'll just eat what I want until I feel full, and then stop. I think this is the easiest way to manage it, because I won't be actually depriving myself, but I'll be listening to my body's cues and not eating until I feel bloated, which means I won't have to go purge it up. So I can be perfectly satisfied with whatever "meal" I eat, and hopefully not eat too much tonight. I know this sounds like a cop-out (and probably is), but if I DON'T go, or DON'T eat what I usually eat, my family is going to start suspecting. And that cannot happen.