Well, you'll all be happy to know that I'm raising my daily calorie limit back to 500. My usual 200-300 calories isn't enough to keep me from feeling physically awful anymore.

I feel that some of you on my [LJ] list either don't think I have a real eating disorder, or I could very easily recover right now and just won't. I do not honestly believe that either of these are true. If I give the impression here that I think this is some sort of wonderful game I play that I could put away any time I like, then I'm truly sorry, because I do not believe that this is the case. I don't get into most of my emotional stuff here, but suffice it to say that I do have plenty of psychological issues, not the least of which is this eating disorder. This particular ED is new to me, it's true; however, self-destruction is not a bit new to me, and my ED to me seems like just a different method of self-destruction. Yet another terrible coping mechanism that I've come to depend on.

Because, yes, I'm dependent on it now. Within the first few months or so I could have let this go easily, although I wouldn't have. But now... well, I've tried to start letting this go probably half a dozen times or more, and nothing has worked. And I honestly feel like everybody's got darts in their hand, aimed at me and ready to fire anytime I talk about physical complications, because I "should have more sense" or something. I "shouldn't be hurting [my]self". I "could die from this, you know!" You think I don't fucking know that? You think it doesn't keep me up at night? Plus, comments like that don't want to make me recover any more -- actually, they just want to make me cry, because it clearly indicates that even now nobody understands. I would have thought that having [an LJ] friends list full of eating disordered people would mean that they'd be understanding, but I guess I was wrong.

I feel like I'm sinking further and further down, and not even the people who know what it's like will talk to me while I drown. And that makes me feel hurt.