Recovery???

I'm busy trying to convince myself that I needed to eat that peanut butter sandwich and drink that milk, because I had antibiotics to take that have to be taken after a meal. It IS true, but I didn't have to eat something so calorie-laden. On the other hand... my therapist kinda convinced me into recovery mode before I left my session today, so I went home determined to eat something "normal". I enjoyed it, and I am now satiated, etc, and the pills aren't making me nauseous or anything, but... !!!

I'm still torn about recovery. On the one hand, it's stupid to starve myself because a) I want attention, and b) I want to get revenge on my mother. It's not so stupid to starve myself because I hate myself; but maybe if I put the energy into at least trying to like myself, instead of into restricting/fasting/whatever, I'd do better than if I starved myself. I can't even honestly say I'm scared of food anymore. Well, okay, I am scared of some food. I won't go near junk food or fast food anymore, and I don't care if that never changes. That shit is bad for you anyway. However, I'm also still scared of meat and of high-carb things like bagels, muffins, pasta, etc. Even though what I ate today was higher calorie than I would usually have consumed at this point in the day, the things I ate were still all "acceptable" foods, even the peanut butter. I don't know what's going to happen if and when I try to eat an unacceptable food.

On the other hand, I'd still love to see bones. I'd still feel accomplishment in the scale going down, in my body getting smaller. I'd love to have my periods halted and to stop having so many woman's curves. And I still hate myself. I feel like I deserve every side effect of starvation. I deserve organ damage, osteoporosis, hair loss, lanugo -- everything. I would even deserve death if it came to that point.

But then I start thinking, "Couldn't I do something better with my time than try to starve myself?" I really want to go back to school in a few weeks, and be able to finish the semester and get decent grades. How can I do that if I am constantly losing weight and depriving my brain of the nutrients and energy it needs to think? But the other side of my mind tells me that being at school will make it easier to restrict, and if I need to study I can just drink something caffeinated or eat something small for energy. Plus, no one can force me into treatment, so no matter how much weight I lose I could probably still finish the semester. I doubt it's going to come off now as quickly as it used to, anyway, since my body's in starvation mode and my BMR is lower now because of my lower weight.

Do you see my dilemma here?? God. I can't believe I'm stupid enough to let an eating disorder take over my brain. I can't believe I'm stupid enough to let my therapist push me into trying to recover when I had made up my mind not to. Where does this go? Where does this end, and how, and why? I don't know. Don't know don't know don't know.

The worst of it is... if I can't get a handle on this, my therapist may or may not stop working with me. And if she does stop working with me, there's just no way I'm going to be able to handle it. I'll have another one of my lovely borderline breakdowns, and that's when I will, with 100% certainty, starve and starve and starve. I don't see how she can do this to me, but at the same time I sort of understand where she's coming from. She just doesn't know what to work on now that I don't want ED as a solid focus. I want to work on emotional stuff, but she's afraid I'll freak out. Well, I'll freak out even more if she leaves me!!!

I'm frustrated and terrified and... gah. Too much shit in my head. I think I'm starting to dissociate a little. I can't take having everything in my head for too long -- I never could. So I guess it's a good thing I wrote this, because at least now I'll remember it.