I have decided that there are better, more immediate, and more effective ways to kill myself than by spending months restricting and slowly losing weight. Therefore, I have decided to try and give up restriction. It's not nearly as easy as I make it sound in writing that -- I still get urges to restrict, although they are less frequent -- but I WILL do it.

But the other side of it... binging and purging... I don't know if I can give that up. In fact, I'd say I probably cannot. See, at this point, I have NO coping mechanisms if I don't have that. And I do pretty much mean self-destructive coping mechanisms... unfortunately, the constructive ones don't work even half as well. Binging and purging seems to soothe my anxiety and/or get rid of dysphoric feelings, if only for a few hours or half a day or a day, or whatever. I mean, obviously I know it's temporary relief, but which would you prefer: temporary relief, or no relief at all? Yeah, I thought so.

I just need something. And all I can really say is -- at least it's not restriction anymore. B/ping is just going to have to be enough for me to get by day-to-day, that's all. At least until I get some proper help... if I ever do get proper help. It remains to be seen whether this next therapist will work out. But hopefully I will see somewhat soon; and in the meantime, I can do something to try and fill up my time a little more, like work. Which I also need to do if I ever hope to get the money to go back to university in the fall -- but that's another story for another time.