Yesterday I was back to full-out restricting. Today I want to eat normally. WHAT THE FUCK is going ON in my fucking HEAD!? I'm so fucking confused! Why can't I just recover, or not recover? Why do I have to keep swinging back and forth like this?

I just saw a commercial for Subway -- apparently they have new, healthier sides now. I saw fresh fruit, and I think some sort of juice box. I couldn't help thinking, "Oh, wow, awesome!" But what pisses me off is that I don't know if this is just me wanting to be more nutritious, or my ED feeling pleased because it doesn't have to feel guilty while eating a bag of baked Lays (which doesn't even have THAT many cals, and has 10 less than the low-fat brownie I wouldn't have felt so bad about eating).

I fucking hate this shit. Tell it to go away and leave me alone, so I can exercise, get more toned and less flabby, and eat enough -- not too much and not too little. So I can be happier, instead of always torturing myself somehow. Oh, but wait, I was never all that happy, and I've been self-torturing since I was about 15. But I could stop that -- I could be happy. Couldn't I? Couldn't I???

*brain explodes*