I'm 5'3.5", 128 lbs, and massively, grotesquely FAT.
The ideal weight for my height is supposed to be something like 115-120 lbs. So already I'm at LEAST 8-10 lbs over ideal.
There's also the fact that, as I've discovered over the last couple of days, I can't exercise for shit. I'm disgustingly unfit. I wouldn't even mind being this weight if most of it was actually muscle weight -- but it's not.
I am covered with an abundant layer of fat from head to toe. I gained a coating of it at Homewood, and I continue to live with it stuck to me every day, a gathering of slimy yellow bundles beneath my skin, pulsating, taking up unnecessary room. The soft feel of chubbiness, obesity, available to experience with every touch, every brushing of fingertips against my pale pillowy skin.
I want to be thin, and trim. But I don't have the discipline to achieve it without an eating disorder, and the idea of going back to severe restriction scares me, so I'm never ever going to be able to change this. I'm going to be stuck as a fat, verging-on-overweight blob for the rest of my goddamned life.
I am a 5'3.5", 128-pound monster.
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1 comment:
im the EXACT same height and weight and have ednos. Im 16. I gained 10 pounds back after trying to recover and now i feel like a fat blob too. The only way i know how to lose it is to go back to the same ol ways and be unhealthy. I want to weigh 120 pounds and im angry. I fele your pain hun.
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