Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Why is it that you never show your emotions? Why did you teach me through your actions that emotions were unacceptable to express? Why did you stop hugging me just because, AS A TODDLER, I didn't SEEM to want to be hugged as much? Didn't you think I had emotional needs? In fact, have you ever fucking cared about my emotional needs?

Half the time I think you don't really love ME... just some image you seem to have of what I am. And you still don't spontaneously hug me, or understand why when you verbally ask to hug me I refuse. If you really MEANT it you wouldn't have to ask to do it... you'd just do it! And if I'd actually been raised with hugs in the first place, I'd be used to it.

You made a royal fucking mess, and you'll never, ever admit it. You think you did everything right. And that's what gets me most of all. Because I'm sure that, if you actually loved me, you'd acknowledge your part in my downfall. Only you never did, and you won't, and never ever will, because you don't love me enough to go through a little emotional pain for my sake. You won't endure living with the fact that you fucked up if it means I would get better. No -- you live only for yourself. Your children's welfare doesn't really matter to you, unless it upsets you somehow. If I upset you, you'll do ANYthing to recify things -- but the second I stop making you feel unpleasant things, you wander off and pay no attention to me at all.

See, I'm pretty sure half the reason I do this shit is to get you to pay attention. To get you to care. Because when I don't have a disorder of some kind, you don't care about me at all. And I am so pathetically miserable and lonely that I'd hurt myself terribly, or even come close to death, just to feel like somebody gives a shit.

I wish you were capable of caring about me. But you aren't, and you'll never be. And that absolutely fucking kills me inside.

I wish I'd ever had a real mommy.