Since yesterday I've been eating... well, too little. Yesterday I had 550 cals, not including my b/p (which may or may not have left some cals behind, but if it did it was no more than 200-250 extra), and so far today I've had 340, and am scared to have more anytime soon. I AM doing vaguely better with it today in terms of my mental state, but not much. Oh, yeah, and yesterday I went for a brisk walk around the ponds near my house, and also walked to the grocery store and back for Diet Pepsi.

It's funny... for awhile I was pretty surely convinced that as long as I still had bulimia, I could give up restriction and be okay with it. But now I'm not so sure about that anymore. Ever since I lost 3-4 lbs, and then gained back 1-1.5 of them, I've had this terror of gaining more weight and getting fatter, and I want to make ABSOLUTELY 100% SURE that I will NOT gain any more weight. More specifically, I don't really want to be above the 127s (I was 127.4 yesterday and 127.6 today), and I could not handle it if I somehow made it to 130 lbs.

Fuck. Just when I thought I was going to be able to give up this restriction business for good, and eat intuitively, and all that shit... this happens. I mean, it's not like I gained a lot of weight in a short space of time recently, and I never even lost those three or four pounds very quickly (I lost about a pound per week), so I don't understand why I'm all of a sudden starting to freak out about it again. I am terrified that I'll gain 2 or 3 or 4 pounds and I'll suddenly stop being able to fit into my clothes the same way and I'll be a hideous disgusting blob and everyone will look at me and know I'm gaining weight and think I'm a fat pig who eats too much and doesn't take care of herself and isn't even remotely socially acceptable. FUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

Somebody help me... ???

:(