(Posted yesterday on forum.)


A friend had written to me: Do you have any idea what caused this plummet in things love?


October 1st, 2009

I have known this relapse was coming since a few weeks before I left M House. I don't know why I knew it, or what specifically precipitated it. Maybe it's just that I couldn't deal with the shit that was beginning to come up mentally/emotionally, even while still there. So I began to withdraw. And self-destruct.

Ate extra tonight. Rather hate myself for it. Stomach feels sloshy inside. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel fat. Of course, I am fat, so it's only natural I should feel that way.

Fuck ED. Fuck school. Fuck life. Fuck everything. I'm too tired to deal with this stupid shit right now.

Maybe I'll just hide out in my house for the rest of my life, aside from essential errands. Things would be much less exhausting that way.