So yesterday was a pretty shit day in terms of eating... was restricting again all day (well, as much restricting as I seem able to do lately, anyway), and then b/ped when I came home from open mic last night. I was a little worried to see some of the baby carrots I'd eaten at... what, 1? 1:30?... come up at about 10:30-11 PM :| .

Today has been a little better, though -- only had coffee for breakfast as per usual, but I had my session with my social worker today, and afterwards she asked me if I wanted to stay for lunch at the house (M House), so I accepted. So I had a bowl of homemade turkey soup, a white dinner roll, a teeny tiny bowl of fruit salad, and some shortbread-like cookie thing. Well, and Coke Zero, but that doesn't really "count", I suppose.

I did have to leave my apartment basically right after I came back from M House, though, because I knew I would binge if I sat in my place much longer. I really have to get over this thing where being home seems to = automatic binge trigger. There are times when I can be at home for 3, 4, 5 hours without wanting to binge, but the urges never fail to come sooner or later. I know that at least part of this has got to be due to the restriction/malnourishment... but that doesn't make it any easier to mentally handle the urges, or always eat when I feel binge-y. The restrictive part of my disorder simply can't handle keeping down good amounts of foods for extended periods, yet. I seem to be able to eat normally or semi-normally every 2-3 days, anyway, so that's sort of an improvement, I guess??

I don't know if I'm going to be able to make any sort of "supper" for myself tonight, let alone keep it down, though. It seems that when I am served food, instead of having to make it for myself, I can handle that if I decide it's okay to eat it; but even if I am hungry, know I should eat healthily, I find it near impossible to actually prepare meals for myself. I think it's because it feels like I'm being so "nice" to myself when I do that, and I don't want to be nice to myself. It also feels like some dam inside me is going to burst apart, and everything inside of me is going to flood out and destroy me / others, if I let go of this ED. That's the bigger part of it, I think. Somehow I have to figure out how to deal with that... but I have absolutely no idea how doing so would work at present. :S