After like a week and a half of maintaining my weight even though I was REALLY not eating enough to maintain, I have FINALLY lost!! Today I was 102 lbs. BMI: 17.6.

However, my only safe food these days, aside from the occasional small lollipop or Push Pop, is veggies and dressing :/. I actually had to strike cherry tomatoes from my list of safe foods a couple days ago, too, because I ate the entire container of tomatoes all at once, which led to me feeling too full, which led to a b/p. I mean, wtf?? It's pretty bad when you have to take a VEGGIE off your list of safe foods.

Of course, I've been craving all sorts of other foods like a motherfucker, which naturally leads to me b/ping... a lot. I've been doing it 3 or 4 times a day the last couple of days. However, I seem to have developed an ability to purge "better": that is, quickly and a lot more easily. For awhile purging had basically been torture, as it took at LEAST 20-30 minutes just to get the food out, and every heave was really like... weak and unsupported? But yesterday I suddenly seemed to get the hang of it again, and it goes by so much more efficiently now. I suspect it will wane again if this amount of b/ping continues, though. Ugh. Oh well. I'll deal with that if it comes to it.

So... I'm probably basically the worst I've ever been, ED-wise, especially when it comes to motivation for recovery. I have basically zero motivation to want to get better right now. I went to see the outpatient dietician, who took my history and whatnot, then told me I had a decision to make. She won't keep seeing me pointlessly while I get worse and don't work on anything... she will only see me if I'm actually going to try and get on a scheduled meal plan, etc. At this point I have absolutely no desire to try any sort of meal plan. It's not that I really like this life I'm living right now... it's that no other life seems any better than this, and at least in ED mode I can keep most of my demons at bay most of the time. It's better than constantly living in mental hell.