My phone is officially dead... isn't transmitting at all anymore, and the last time I turned it on it did an automatic shutdown instead of letting me stay on it to use any of the applications or dial numbers. My friend J is supposed to be bringing me in a bunch of my stuff today, but she has to get the key to my place first. See, I asked her to go to my house and make sure the cat had enough food and lock the door, because I remembered after the fact that when the paramedics left my house, they didn't lock my door. However, J didn't find my keys at all (she only looked on surfaces, but they were probably in my purse), but she did lock the knob before she left, so my keys are now locked in my apartment :( . So I called the landlord the other night, to get the keys from M House (which is where they're all supposed to be kept), and there were lots of keys... for everybody EXCEPT me. So now I have to get Judy T on the phone, get her to find spares, and then, I guess, get someone to bring them over to M House. THEN J has to go over with her ID, get my keys, go to my house, take care of the cat, get my stuff, and then bring my things over to me at the hospital. Soooo even when I get the keys arranged it's gonna be awhile. But hopefully it will happen sometime today.

One of the girls here, Jc (to differentiate from J), was nice enough to get her friend to bring me in some of her old clothes that she doesn't want anymore, so on my third day here I was FINALLY able to change my clothes and have a shower. I literally had nothing on my person when I went to the ER except my sneakers, winter jacket, and my phone, and all I was wearing was a nightgown, PJ pants, socks, and undies (I didn't even have a bra). Soooo I am kind of going au naturel underneath my outer wear today. I don't really have a choice -- I was having diarrhea issues at the ER, and I kind of, er, leaked onto the undies :| . I could have worn johnny gowns and washed my own clothes, but, wouldn't you know it, they have no working washer or dryer on the unit at the moment. They're supposed to be back "early in the new year", but that might not be for another two weeks or more, for all I know. So I had to wear lovely stained underwear and sweaty PJs for three days. I didn't actually smell that bad, though, surprisingly.

This is the first day any of the regular staff has been back from the New Year's stat holiday, so today is the day I'll see the dietician, and also, I guess, the psychiatrist who's assigned to me. I better not get Mak-- (I don't know if that's how you spell it, but whatever). He is a FUCKING ASSHOLE, and I hate him. I actually saw him at one of the back doors to the ward this morning, and I had to turn and walk away, because seeing him just made my blood fucking BOIL. Not to mention the distinct pang of fear that accompanied my anger. So I guess I both hate that man and fear him. I do have really good reasons for not wanting to be under his care, which I would be happy to explain to anybody, including him, if they wanted to hear why. I have already put in the request not to have him as my psychiatrist, but apparently they work on some kind of planned schedule, where they each get patients in turn, or something. So I might end up with him anyway... but I can request to be transferred. And believe me, I will. There is no psychiatrist on Earth that I hate more than this man. I cannot work with him, and I won't.

This has been really long, and also really rambly, I'm sure. I can't seem to stop my head from rambling lately. I don't know if it's anxiety, or some fucked-up mood thing, or what. All I know is that it's there. And also that it's going to increase about a thousand fold when I have to start eating the fucking meal plan the dietician puts me on, whatever that's going to be. Frankly, anything she could assign me at this point would be too much. :/

Wish me luck... I think I'm going to need it.