Today is the first day I've gotten a real weight since late December, and I couldn't be more happy with the number. 103.6 lbs. BMI: 17.9. Officially in the underweight category... not that that matters. I still have so far to go. In my head it's always 10 more lbs, 10 more lbs, 10 more lbs. I am definitely FARRRRR too fat to stop now. And there is no point trying to argue with me, because, frankly, I will not listen. I am GOING to get there, come hell or high water, and I WILL get there. Make no mistake about that.

Had two b/ps last night... was good to be able to "release" that energy finally. However, I am going to try and severely cut back on those sorts of behaviors. If the hospital taught me anything, it's that I am capable of having far more self-control than I ever thought. Which is good for the suicidality thing... but also good for the ED. Or, well, I guess "good" ED-wise is a judgment I make in my own mind. You'll have to decide whether you think all this is "good" or not. But I really, really do.

I didn't give much of an update yesterday -- I basically just copied and pasted my FB status, as I couldn't face making a real entry. But the point remains that other than this bit of self-control, hospital really didn't do a whole lot for me except give me a little bit of space to think (although I tried to avoid thinking most of the time), and all those referrals. It's so ridiculous... I'd thought I was finally going to get out of treatment for awhile, and now I've been loaded down with so many referrals for so many different kinds of treatment that it's almost obscene. Just looking at my hospital laundry list from the discharge sheet makes me go... oh my god, I need all this? I really, really had not realized how serious it actually was, until I saw that list. I mean, the IOP program, a psychiatrist, a social worker, an outpatient dietician (until I go to IOP) AND a new psychologist besides? The IOP program alone could easily fill 3 days of my week, and is so comprehensive, and then I have all this other shit on top of that. It just really boggles my mind to see that they think I need this much support. I'm still not fully sure what to think of it all.

Time to make some coffee, I suppose. God, it'll be nice to have some good-quality perk coffee. And flavors, no less. Timmies and packets of shitty instant coffee off hospital trays just don't cut it, you know?

Love all y'all.