I got up at about 5 AM or so today... that's getting pretty normalized. So that's good.

On the other hand, though, apparently I don't have to worry about my weight, because it went up 1.5 lbs in two fucking days. Today I was 104 lbs. Fuck my fucking life. I need to gain weight, yes, but not THAT FAST! Ughhhhh.

I'm having a hard time telling the ED to go fuck itself lately. I keep thinking more and more about wanting to get skinny and lose this stupid weight again. And then I remember it never does me any good to lose the weight, that I always get sick and sad and miserable. But I fucking hate the numbers always going up and up and up, and eating so fucking much because apparently now I'm ravenously hungry most of the time (and I have eaten a LOT in the last couple of days). I hate all this recovery bullshit. Yet I don't want to back down from the "commitment" I made to myself and to a lot of other people. I was pretty public about putting my recovery out there. A bunch of people I know IRL, or am close to online, know I'm recovering again and this time I have been saying it's really for real, I intend to gain all the weight back, whatever. How can I let them down? But at the same time... how do I deal with all this fucking SHIT???