102.8. Took lax last night, but I only BMed a "normal" amount this morning. We'll see if anything more happens when I drink some coffee (aka bowel irritant).

Yes, I'm lapsing. Yes, it could (and probably will) become a relapse. And, no, I don't care. I just can't handle this weight, and all the food, and the ED brain SCREAMING in my ear all the time, as well as all the other psychological shit that comes up when I'm eating. I just... can't... do it. I'm not strong enough to handle all of that on my own. And I have zero supports, aside from seeing my pdoc once every 3-6 weeks, and that's just for med checks. It's not as if he does any sort of therapy with me.

How can any rational person expect a polymorbid individual with a strong and long-standing ED to recover on her own? I look at it now and I shake my head. I don't know how I could ever have expected to just be able to gain the weight without any repercussions. My steel will only lasts for so long... with mental illnesses constantly tearing and pecking and poking at the will left and right, it is impossible for it to hold fast forever -- eventually it always begins to show the signs of wear and tear. And after that it's only a matter of time before it just starts to unravel completely.

So it goes.