If I was in school, after a binge-tastic night like I've had tonight, I could just choose to eat almost nothing all day tomorrow and sort of "cleanse" myself, and then I'd feel better and not hate myself so much. But tomorrow I have to work, and I have to eat at break at work (or it will look extremely weird), and then I might have to go out to supper before I go see a musical with my dad... FUCK!!! I just can't goddamned win!
I hate food, and I hate eating, and I hate the fact that these last few nights I've been shovelling a bunch of shit in my face and not purging nearly enough of it out. I am going to be fat as a fucking pig by the time my exams are done. I think the stress, combined with the fact that I've decided not to restrict during exam time, are making me OVEReat as a stress relief mechanism. :|
WHY is it that unless I'm restricting I'm flat-out fucking BINGING????
And now I'm going to bed. I'm pretty tired, and I have to get up at 5:50 AM yet again tomorrow morning. (I've been getting up at 5:50 AM every day since Monday for work. Fun, hey??) Wish me luck in getting through my shift tomorrow -- I expect it to be fairly brutal -- and also in actually studying for my exams. I am having a really hard time concentrating on studying, and I'm really terrified I'm going to fail.
What a way to update after writing no entries in forever.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Article: Why The Scale Lies
This is an awesome article I just discovered through a non-dieting group that I'm part of on Yahoo Groups. Take a read!!
Why The Scale Lies
by Renee Cloe, ACE Certified Personal Trainer
We’ve been told over an over again that daily weighing is unnecessary, yet many of us can’t resist peeking at that number every morning. If you just can’t bring yourself to toss the scale in the trash, you should definitely familiarize yourself with the factors that influence its readings. From water retention to glycogen storage and changes in lean body mass, daily weight fluctuations are normal. They are not indicators of your success or failure. Once you understand how these mechanisms work, you can free yourself from the daily battle with the bathroom scale.
Water makes up about 60% of total body mass. Normal fluctuations in the body’s water content can send scale-watchers into a tailspin if they don’t understand what’s happening. Two factors influencing water retention are water consumption and salt intake. Strange as it sounds, the less water you drink, the more of it your body retains. If you are even slightly dehydrated your body will hang onto it’s water supplies with a vengeance, possibly causing the number on the scale to inch upward. The solution is to drink plenty of water.
Excess salt (sodium) can also play a big role in water retention. A single teaspoon of salt contains over 2,000 mg of sodium. Generally, we should only eat between 1,000 and 3,000 mg of sodium a day, so it’s easy to go overboard. Sodium is a sneaky substance. You would expect it to be most highly concentrated in salty chips, nuts, and crackers. However, a food doesn’t have to taste salty to be loaded with sodium. A half cup of instant pudding actually contains nearly four times as much sodium as an ounce of salted nuts, 460 mg in the pudding versus 123 mg in the nuts. The more highly processed a food is, the more likely it is to have a high sodium content. That’s why, when it comes to eating, it’s wise to stick mainly to the basics: fruits, vegetables, lean meat, beans, and whole grains. Be sure to read the labels on canned foods, boxed mixes, and frozen dinners.
Women may also retain several pounds of water prior to menstruation. This is very common and the weight will likely disappear as quickly as it arrives. Pre-menstrual water-weight gain can be minimized by drinking plenty of water, maintaining an exercise program, and keeping high-sodium processed foods to a minimum.
Another factor that can influence the scale is glycogen. Think of glycogen as a fuel tank full of stored carbohydrate. Some glycogen is stored in the liver and some is stored the muscles themselves. This energy reserve weighs more than a pound and it’s packaged with 3-4 pounds of water when it’s stored. Your glycogen supply will shrink during the day if you fail to take in enough carbohydrates. As the glycogen supply shrinks you will experience a small imperceptible increase in appetite and your body will restore this fuel reserve along with it’s associated water. It’s normal to experience glycogen and water weight shifts of up to 2 pounds per day even with no changes in your calorie intake or activity level. These fluctuations have nothing to do with fat loss, although they can make for some unnecessarily dramatic weigh-ins if you’re prone to obsessing over the number on the scale.
Otherwise rational people also tend to forget about the actual weight of the food they eat. For this reason, it’s wise to weigh yourself first thing in the morning before you’ve had anything to eat or drink. Swallowing a bunch of food before you step on the scale is no different than putting a bunch of rocks in your pocket. The 5 pounds that you gain right after a huge dinner is not fat. It’s the actual weight of everything you’ve had to eat and drink. The added weight of the meal will be gone several hours later when you’ve finished digesting it.
Exercise physiologists tell us that in order to store one pound of fat, you need to eat 3,500 calories more than your body is able to burn. In other words, to actually store the above dinner as 5 pounds of fat, it would have to contain a whopping 17,500 calories. This is not likely, in fact it’s not humanly possible. So when the scale goes up 3 or 4 pounds overnight, rest easy, it’s likely to be water, glycogen, and the weight of your dinner. Keep in mind that the 3,500 calorie rule works in reverse also. In order to lose one pound of fat you need to burn 3,500 calories more than you take in. Generally, it’s only possible to lose 1-2 pounds of fat per week. When you follow a very low calorie diet that causes your weight to drop 10 pounds in 7 days, it’s physically impossible for all of that to be fat. What you’re really losing is water, glycogen, and muscle.
This brings us to the scale’s sneakiest attribute. It doesn’t just weigh fat. It weighs muscle, bone, water, internal organs and all. When you lose "weight," that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve lost fat. In fact, the scale has no way of telling you what you’ve lost (or gained). Losing muscle is nothing to celebrate. Muscle is a metabolically active tissue. The more muscle you have the more calories your body burns, even when you’re just sitting around. That’s one reason why a fit, active person is able to eat considerably more food than the dieter who is unwittingly destroying muscle tissue.
Robin Landis, author of "Body Fueling," compares fat and muscles to feathers and gold. One pound of fat is like a big fluffy, lumpy bunch of feathers, and one pound of muscle is small and valuable like a piece of gold. Obviously, you want to lose the dumpy, bulky feathers and keep the sleek beautiful gold. The problem with the scale is that it doesn’t differentiate between the two. It can’t tell you how much of your total body weight is lean tissue and how much is fat. There are several other measuring techniques that can accomplish this, although they vary in convenience, accuracy, and cost. Skin-fold calipers pinch and measure fat folds at various locations on the body, hydrostatic (or underwater) weighing involves exhaling all of the air from your lungs before being lowered into a tank of water, and bioelectrical impedance measures the degree to which your body fat impedes a mild electrical current.
If the thought of being pinched, dunked, or gently zapped just doesn’t appeal to you, don’t worry. The best measurement tool of all turns out to be your very own eyes. How do you look? How do you feel? How do your clothes fit? Are your rings looser? Do your muscles feel firmer? These are the true measurements of success. If you are exercising and eating right, don’t be discouraged by a small gain on the scale. Fluctuations are perfectly normal. Expect them to happen and take them in stride. It’s a matter of mind over scale.
Article taken from here.
Why The Scale Lies
by Renee Cloe, ACE Certified Personal Trainer
We’ve been told over an over again that daily weighing is unnecessary, yet many of us can’t resist peeking at that number every morning. If you just can’t bring yourself to toss the scale in the trash, you should definitely familiarize yourself with the factors that influence its readings. From water retention to glycogen storage and changes in lean body mass, daily weight fluctuations are normal. They are not indicators of your success or failure. Once you understand how these mechanisms work, you can free yourself from the daily battle with the bathroom scale.
Water makes up about 60% of total body mass. Normal fluctuations in the body’s water content can send scale-watchers into a tailspin if they don’t understand what’s happening. Two factors influencing water retention are water consumption and salt intake. Strange as it sounds, the less water you drink, the more of it your body retains. If you are even slightly dehydrated your body will hang onto it’s water supplies with a vengeance, possibly causing the number on the scale to inch upward. The solution is to drink plenty of water.
Excess salt (sodium) can also play a big role in water retention. A single teaspoon of salt contains over 2,000 mg of sodium. Generally, we should only eat between 1,000 and 3,000 mg of sodium a day, so it’s easy to go overboard. Sodium is a sneaky substance. You would expect it to be most highly concentrated in salty chips, nuts, and crackers. However, a food doesn’t have to taste salty to be loaded with sodium. A half cup of instant pudding actually contains nearly four times as much sodium as an ounce of salted nuts, 460 mg in the pudding versus 123 mg in the nuts. The more highly processed a food is, the more likely it is to have a high sodium content. That’s why, when it comes to eating, it’s wise to stick mainly to the basics: fruits, vegetables, lean meat, beans, and whole grains. Be sure to read the labels on canned foods, boxed mixes, and frozen dinners.
Women may also retain several pounds of water prior to menstruation. This is very common and the weight will likely disappear as quickly as it arrives. Pre-menstrual water-weight gain can be minimized by drinking plenty of water, maintaining an exercise program, and keeping high-sodium processed foods to a minimum.
Another factor that can influence the scale is glycogen. Think of glycogen as a fuel tank full of stored carbohydrate. Some glycogen is stored in the liver and some is stored the muscles themselves. This energy reserve weighs more than a pound and it’s packaged with 3-4 pounds of water when it’s stored. Your glycogen supply will shrink during the day if you fail to take in enough carbohydrates. As the glycogen supply shrinks you will experience a small imperceptible increase in appetite and your body will restore this fuel reserve along with it’s associated water. It’s normal to experience glycogen and water weight shifts of up to 2 pounds per day even with no changes in your calorie intake or activity level. These fluctuations have nothing to do with fat loss, although they can make for some unnecessarily dramatic weigh-ins if you’re prone to obsessing over the number on the scale.
Otherwise rational people also tend to forget about the actual weight of the food they eat. For this reason, it’s wise to weigh yourself first thing in the morning before you’ve had anything to eat or drink. Swallowing a bunch of food before you step on the scale is no different than putting a bunch of rocks in your pocket. The 5 pounds that you gain right after a huge dinner is not fat. It’s the actual weight of everything you’ve had to eat and drink. The added weight of the meal will be gone several hours later when you’ve finished digesting it.
Exercise physiologists tell us that in order to store one pound of fat, you need to eat 3,500 calories more than your body is able to burn. In other words, to actually store the above dinner as 5 pounds of fat, it would have to contain a whopping 17,500 calories. This is not likely, in fact it’s not humanly possible. So when the scale goes up 3 or 4 pounds overnight, rest easy, it’s likely to be water, glycogen, and the weight of your dinner. Keep in mind that the 3,500 calorie rule works in reverse also. In order to lose one pound of fat you need to burn 3,500 calories more than you take in. Generally, it’s only possible to lose 1-2 pounds of fat per week. When you follow a very low calorie diet that causes your weight to drop 10 pounds in 7 days, it’s physically impossible for all of that to be fat. What you’re really losing is water, glycogen, and muscle.
This brings us to the scale’s sneakiest attribute. It doesn’t just weigh fat. It weighs muscle, bone, water, internal organs and all. When you lose "weight," that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve lost fat. In fact, the scale has no way of telling you what you’ve lost (or gained). Losing muscle is nothing to celebrate. Muscle is a metabolically active tissue. The more muscle you have the more calories your body burns, even when you’re just sitting around. That’s one reason why a fit, active person is able to eat considerably more food than the dieter who is unwittingly destroying muscle tissue.
Robin Landis, author of "Body Fueling," compares fat and muscles to feathers and gold. One pound of fat is like a big fluffy, lumpy bunch of feathers, and one pound of muscle is small and valuable like a piece of gold. Obviously, you want to lose the dumpy, bulky feathers and keep the sleek beautiful gold. The problem with the scale is that it doesn’t differentiate between the two. It can’t tell you how much of your total body weight is lean tissue and how much is fat. There are several other measuring techniques that can accomplish this, although they vary in convenience, accuracy, and cost. Skin-fold calipers pinch and measure fat folds at various locations on the body, hydrostatic (or underwater) weighing involves exhaling all of the air from your lungs before being lowered into a tank of water, and bioelectrical impedance measures the degree to which your body fat impedes a mild electrical current.
If the thought of being pinched, dunked, or gently zapped just doesn’t appeal to you, don’t worry. The best measurement tool of all turns out to be your very own eyes. How do you look? How do you feel? How do your clothes fit? Are your rings looser? Do your muscles feel firmer? These are the true measurements of success. If you are exercising and eating right, don’t be discouraged by a small gain on the scale. Fluctuations are perfectly normal. Expect them to happen and take them in stride. It’s a matter of mind over scale.
Article taken from here.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The eating disorder speaks
You should fast tomorrow.
You're so fat. You fat cow.
What the fuck were you doing, binging like that, anyway?
Yeah,I know you were tired. That doesn't give you the right to eat chocolatey sugar until you're stuffed to the fucking gills. I don't even care that you did get the energy you needed from it. You're a pig. A fat motherfucking PIG.
You need to go to the gym tomorrow, too. Desperately.
Also,you should skip off going to the center tomorrow, because if you see all those people eating you're going to want to eat, and the LAST thing you fucking need is to eat, you goddamned FATTY HOG.
You have to burn off all those disgusting calories you consumed tonight. Disgusting calories that are going to make you blow up into even more of a balloon than you already are.
You can feel how your stomach bulges out. How your unrestrained breasts press down on it, so the whole front of your torso is like one large roll extending all the way down your front. You can feel, with a simple movement of your hand, all the fat that pudges out, everywhere.
The love handles that stick out from the sides of your middle, extending visibly underneath any even semi-tight shirt that you ever wear.
The pieces of extra flab on the inside of each thigh, rubbing together near the very top of your legs when you walk.
The bit that you can grab on the bottom of each upper arm, even though your arms are supposed to be the skinny part of you, you goddamned fatty. Ugh. Even your fucking ARMS are getting fat!!
You disgust me. You pig. Pig pig pig.
Why do I bitch and complain at you about this?
Because being fat makes you unworthy.
You know it's true.
You try to ignore me -- you try to tell yourself that what is inside is really important. And maybe that's true. But you're starting to realize the thing that I've always known: that, really, essentially, there's nothing inside. You're not motivated to achieve. You're not brilliant. You're not gorgeous. You're not going to be any sort of really important person in life. Sometimes you think you might as well just give up trying, and I think you're right. And every time you get to that line of thinking, I am always here, waiting for you. Whenever you decide to acknowledge your deeper feelings, your worst feelings, I am here. Don't you think there must be a reason for that?
Sometimes I think you were destined to go back to me. To be mine.
We could make a fine pair, you and I. You provide the shiny tap-dancing shoes, and I provide the puppet strings. You clean the leather painstakingly, I plan out the dance moves, and together we make a fabulous team -- and you get to dance down the gorgeous polished floor, all light and air and rhythm, and maybe finally feel happy and free.
Too bad you still sometimes think this is an empty promise. Because I really think we could have a future together. A beautiful one.
Just think about it.
You're so fat. You fat cow.
What the fuck were you doing, binging like that, anyway?
Yeah,I know you were tired. That doesn't give you the right to eat chocolatey sugar until you're stuffed to the fucking gills. I don't even care that you did get the energy you needed from it. You're a pig. A fat motherfucking PIG.
You need to go to the gym tomorrow, too. Desperately.
Also,you should skip off going to the center tomorrow, because if you see all those people eating you're going to want to eat, and the LAST thing you fucking need is to eat, you goddamned FATTY HOG.
You have to burn off all those disgusting calories you consumed tonight. Disgusting calories that are going to make you blow up into even more of a balloon than you already are.
You can feel how your stomach bulges out. How your unrestrained breasts press down on it, so the whole front of your torso is like one large roll extending all the way down your front. You can feel, with a simple movement of your hand, all the fat that pudges out, everywhere.
The love handles that stick out from the sides of your middle, extending visibly underneath any even semi-tight shirt that you ever wear.
The pieces of extra flab on the inside of each thigh, rubbing together near the very top of your legs when you walk.
The bit that you can grab on the bottom of each upper arm, even though your arms are supposed to be the skinny part of you, you goddamned fatty. Ugh. Even your fucking ARMS are getting fat!!
You disgust me. You pig. Pig pig pig.
Why do I bitch and complain at you about this?
Because being fat makes you unworthy.
You know it's true.
You try to ignore me -- you try to tell yourself that what is inside is really important. And maybe that's true. But you're starting to realize the thing that I've always known: that, really, essentially, there's nothing inside. You're not motivated to achieve. You're not brilliant. You're not gorgeous. You're not going to be any sort of really important person in life. Sometimes you think you might as well just give up trying, and I think you're right. And every time you get to that line of thinking, I am always here, waiting for you. Whenever you decide to acknowledge your deeper feelings, your worst feelings, I am here. Don't you think there must be a reason for that?
Sometimes I think you were destined to go back to me. To be mine.
We could make a fine pair, you and I. You provide the shiny tap-dancing shoes, and I provide the puppet strings. You clean the leather painstakingly, I plan out the dance moves, and together we make a fabulous team -- and you get to dance down the gorgeous polished floor, all light and air and rhythm, and maybe finally feel happy and free.
Too bad you still sometimes think this is an empty promise. Because I really think we could have a future together. A beautiful one.
Just think about it.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Eating Disorder Recovery
I found this information quite useful, and I thought that maybe somebody else might, too. :)
++++++++++
Why Recover?
The experience of an eating disorder is different for everyone and the benefits and value of recovery might be hard to understand when you have an eating disorder. For many people the behaviours associated with your eating disorder act as a reward or serve a purpose in your life and therefore it may be difficult to see a good reason for stopping these behaviours.
Recovery might involve feelings and experiences that could be unknown to you.
Here are some reasons that you might choose to leave your eating disorder behind:
• Not having to live your life in fear or with self-hatred and sadness
• Not having your mood or actions dictated by a number on a scale or the number of calories consumed, times purged, or sit-ups performed
• Being able to form and maintain quality give-and-take relationships (both friendships and romantic)
• Feeling comfortable in your own body
• Not having the way that you feel about yourself stop you from doing things that you love
• Being able to enthusiastically engage in study, work, and voluntary activities
• Have energy to do the things that you do (or once did or might soon) love
• Not having to feel guilty about the concern that your eating disorder stems from your family and friends
• Not having to live a "secret life"
• Being able to rejoin the world (emotionally, psychologically, physically) and leave behind the feelings of isolation
• Recovery is likely to allow you to feel good and that feeling of peace that accompanies it might have you smiling to yourself in moments you would least expect
Relapse
Recovery might be a rocky road - often a case of two steps forward and one step back. The number of times you fall over or back into your eating disorder is not important - what is important is that each time that you do, you don't let yourself dwell for too long. Try to pick yourself up and take off where you left off. It might be a slow and frustrating process, but you will still be moving forward, and that is what will get you there in the end!
Often something might trigger your relaspe. It could be something as "big" as a break-up or a death or as "small" as the tone in someone's voice or an unanswered SMS. Being able to identify your "triggers" might be helpful because it could allow you to look at how you originally responded to it, and to think about how you might respond in a more positive way next time . Identifying these things can be hard at first and may take some time, but with practice you will become a pro and be able to catch yourself in the moment.
Depression, Anxiety, and Other Mental Health Issues
Some people find that when they let go of their eating disorder behaviours and symptoms, they still experience things such as depression, anxiety, social phobia, or obsessive-compulsive behaviours.
You might wonder why you would work so hard to give up your eating disorder, only to have it replaced with something else. The answer is because there is no guarantee that you will go on to experience any of these things, or that if you do, that they will be as bad to live with as your eating disorder has been.
One of the main problems and causes of these issues popping up post-eating disorder is that they have usually been underlying issues of the disorder. The behaviours of your eating disorder were a way to cope with the mental health difficulties and once when you remove the behaviour; the underlying issues no longer have their usual outlet - the fall-back coping mechanism has been removed.
So if you find that you are experiencing one or more of these problems during recovery, it is important that they are dealt with too.
What Can Help With Recovery?
Things that might help you along the journey of recovery range from the big to the seemingly tiny, but they all play a role. Here is a list of things that some people have found have helped them with their own recovery (some will work for some - others for others!):
• Therapy - (in whatever form is most personally suited to you - everyone is different).
• Keep a "recovery journal" - fill it with positive and affirming thoughts. Write about why you want to recover, what your eating disorder gives and takes away from you, where you will be in 5 or 10 years if you stick with your eating disorder instead of giving it up, and/or anything else that will help to get and keep you motivated
• Spend time around positive and supportive people who are comfortable with themselves and their bodies (who have a healthy relationship with food!). Spend time with people that possess qualities that you admire and aspire to develop within yourself
• Talk to other people recovering from eating disorders or people who have already recovered. Mutual support can be great and motivating, and seeing someone else make progress or enjoying life might help to keep you inspired, too.
• If body image is something you are really struggling with, take a trip to the art gallery, and have a look at all the different shapes and sizes that beauty comes in. It sounds corny, but this can be a very positive activity! Similarly, go out one day with your "blinders" off - notice the diversity of shapes around you - don't only focus on the thinnest people and block the rest out (you may be amazed at your tendency to do this).
• Think about your own ideas of what beauty is. If they don't seem 100% kosher to you, question and re-evaluate them!
• Think about (maybe even write about) the people that you like and admire and what it is about them you like. Is it their size? Or is it something greater? Do you like your friends because they are thin? Or do you like them because they are fun or interesting or possess other great qualities?
• Keep something around where you can see it that will remind you of why you want to recover. Don't ignore it when you are feeling like crap - this is when you need to pay attention to it the most.
• Read recovery-oriented books - these can help inspire and keep you motivated (check out the health section of your local library or bookshop)
• Take up a hobby - get out there and live. Is there something that you used to love doing but have stopped? Is there something you have always wanted to try but have let your fear get in the way?
• Do things that nourish your soul. This could be anything from dancing to bongo drums, to planting a veggie patch, to climbing a tree, to sailing a tall-ship, or to engaging in voluntary work, to having a bubble bath. It doesn't have to be big; it doesn't have to be expensive. Experiment with different things - part of recovery is getting to know yourself all over again (or for the first time!) and you won't necessarily like everything you try.
• Hospitalization in an eating disorder clinic or hospital ward (when it is medically or emotionally needed or helpful)
Something to Keep in Mind
The most important thing to know and remember about recovery is that it is possible - not just for everyone except you, but for everyone including you. It takes an enormous amount of persistence and courage, but it is possible and it is definitely worth it.
++++++++++
Why Recover?
The experience of an eating disorder is different for everyone and the benefits and value of recovery might be hard to understand when you have an eating disorder. For many people the behaviours associated with your eating disorder act as a reward or serve a purpose in your life and therefore it may be difficult to see a good reason for stopping these behaviours.
Recovery might involve feelings and experiences that could be unknown to you.
Here are some reasons that you might choose to leave your eating disorder behind:
• Not having to live your life in fear or with self-hatred and sadness
• Not having your mood or actions dictated by a number on a scale or the number of calories consumed, times purged, or sit-ups performed
• Being able to form and maintain quality give-and-take relationships (both friendships and romantic)
• Feeling comfortable in your own body
• Not having the way that you feel about yourself stop you from doing things that you love
• Being able to enthusiastically engage in study, work, and voluntary activities
• Have energy to do the things that you do (or once did or might soon) love
• Not having to feel guilty about the concern that your eating disorder stems from your family and friends
• Not having to live a "secret life"
• Being able to rejoin the world (emotionally, psychologically, physically) and leave behind the feelings of isolation
• Recovery is likely to allow you to feel good and that feeling of peace that accompanies it might have you smiling to yourself in moments you would least expect
Relapse
Recovery might be a rocky road - often a case of two steps forward and one step back. The number of times you fall over or back into your eating disorder is not important - what is important is that each time that you do, you don't let yourself dwell for too long. Try to pick yourself up and take off where you left off. It might be a slow and frustrating process, but you will still be moving forward, and that is what will get you there in the end!
Often something might trigger your relaspe. It could be something as "big" as a break-up or a death or as "small" as the tone in someone's voice or an unanswered SMS. Being able to identify your "triggers" might be helpful because it could allow you to look at how you originally responded to it, and to think about how you might respond in a more positive way next time . Identifying these things can be hard at first and may take some time, but with practice you will become a pro and be able to catch yourself in the moment.
Depression, Anxiety, and Other Mental Health Issues
Some people find that when they let go of their eating disorder behaviours and symptoms, they still experience things such as depression, anxiety, social phobia, or obsessive-compulsive behaviours.
You might wonder why you would work so hard to give up your eating disorder, only to have it replaced with something else. The answer is because there is no guarantee that you will go on to experience any of these things, or that if you do, that they will be as bad to live with as your eating disorder has been.
One of the main problems and causes of these issues popping up post-eating disorder is that they have usually been underlying issues of the disorder. The behaviours of your eating disorder were a way to cope with the mental health difficulties and once when you remove the behaviour; the underlying issues no longer have their usual outlet - the fall-back coping mechanism has been removed.
So if you find that you are experiencing one or more of these problems during recovery, it is important that they are dealt with too.
What Can Help With Recovery?
Things that might help you along the journey of recovery range from the big to the seemingly tiny, but they all play a role. Here is a list of things that some people have found have helped them with their own recovery (some will work for some - others for others!):
• Therapy - (in whatever form is most personally suited to you - everyone is different).
• Keep a "recovery journal" - fill it with positive and affirming thoughts. Write about why you want to recover, what your eating disorder gives and takes away from you, where you will be in 5 or 10 years if you stick with your eating disorder instead of giving it up, and/or anything else that will help to get and keep you motivated
• Spend time around positive and supportive people who are comfortable with themselves and their bodies (who have a healthy relationship with food!). Spend time with people that possess qualities that you admire and aspire to develop within yourself
• Talk to other people recovering from eating disorders or people who have already recovered. Mutual support can be great and motivating, and seeing someone else make progress or enjoying life might help to keep you inspired, too.
• If body image is something you are really struggling with, take a trip to the art gallery, and have a look at all the different shapes and sizes that beauty comes in. It sounds corny, but this can be a very positive activity! Similarly, go out one day with your "blinders" off - notice the diversity of shapes around you - don't only focus on the thinnest people and block the rest out (you may be amazed at your tendency to do this).
• Think about your own ideas of what beauty is. If they don't seem 100% kosher to you, question and re-evaluate them!
• Think about (maybe even write about) the people that you like and admire and what it is about them you like. Is it their size? Or is it something greater? Do you like your friends because they are thin? Or do you like them because they are fun or interesting or possess other great qualities?
• Keep something around where you can see it that will remind you of why you want to recover. Don't ignore it when you are feeling like crap - this is when you need to pay attention to it the most.
• Read recovery-oriented books - these can help inspire and keep you motivated (check out the health section of your local library or bookshop)
• Take up a hobby - get out there and live. Is there something that you used to love doing but have stopped? Is there something you have always wanted to try but have let your fear get in the way?
• Do things that nourish your soul. This could be anything from dancing to bongo drums, to planting a veggie patch, to climbing a tree, to sailing a tall-ship, or to engaging in voluntary work, to having a bubble bath. It doesn't have to be big; it doesn't have to be expensive. Experiment with different things - part of recovery is getting to know yourself all over again (or for the first time!) and you won't necessarily like everything you try.
• Hospitalization in an eating disorder clinic or hospital ward (when it is medically or emotionally needed or helpful)
Something to Keep in Mind
The most important thing to know and remember about recovery is that it is possible - not just for everyone except you, but for everyone including you. It takes an enormous amount of persistence and courage, but it is possible and it is definitely worth it.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
I feel so goddamned fat today.
I binged and purged last night, and again tonight. I managed a week and a day without it before I caved. The biggest problem was not the actual stopping of the bulimia-- it was what happened as a consequence of stopping. Basically, I've been spending the last week overeating/binging... er, well, a lot. I didn't really bother counting how many times it happened, but it happened almost every day. There might have been one, or maybe two, days when I didn't "really" overeat or binge.
I weighed myself the other day and found out that in a period of not quite two weeks, I gained FIVE AND A HALF pounds. So that made me freak out. And then I freaked out more when I started scrutinizing myself in the mirror, as I am wont to do to check to see if my fat deposits have grown or shrunk, and I saw that they had grown. Given the weight gain, I am not at all convinced that seeing the enlargement of my fat was even close to being an image distortion. I mean, if you look at yourself practically every goddamned day in the mirror, minute changes are not that hard to see.
I am just so fucking sick of being fat. I was at a healthy BMI for my height when I weighed 20 pounds less than this, so WHY do I have to weigh so fucking MUCH??? Why do I feel like I should stay somewhere around this weight? Because my new pants won't fit me anymore? Because I'll start wearing my older jeans, and someone might notice I'm wearing all my smaller clothes and suspect I'm losing weight? Why does it even fucking matter if anyone knows I'm losing weight? I mean, it's MY business, not anyone else's, and if I want to lose weight, I am perfectly within my rights as an adult woman to do so. I'm 21; I go to university; I paid for my own tuition; I have a job. I'm not exactly independent and responsible, but I'm not a child either.
The only reason people are able to have that weight-maintenance influence on me is because I let them. And I let them because their opinions matter to me, and I don't want them to think I'm weird, or suspect that I have even slight food issues, or have any reason to know or even guess that I have and/or used to have mental illness problems. I just want to seem normal. Really, I want to BE normal. The problem is that I'm not even sure normal is attainable for me. I do know that the appearance of normal is fairly attainable, although I will always have quirks that come out despite my best efforts -- but so do most people. So even that can be normal, as long as I don't talk about certain subjects to certain people or what have you.
I'm just so sick of having to put all this effort in just to seem okay, normal, stable, well. Sick of how much thought and planning it can take just to both look and feel somewhat normal about food on a given day. Sick of how much thought and planning it takes to organize my life: I have to make sure I get this or that thing done, make sure I eat enough calories to live but not so many that I gain any weight, make sure I get good grades in school, make sure my coworkers don't start hating me or thinking I'm a slacker or a crappy employee, make sure I socialize some, make sure my friends don't feel neglected or like I hate them, make sure I am being somewhat active so I'm not a lazy slob with too much body fat, etc etc etc. I mean, the list could go on for days. There's so much in there that it fucking exhausts me. Is it any wonder I just want to get rid of it all so often? How can anyone person be expected to perform optimally in everything all at once? And yet I feel that I must, because people who are only part of one area of my life have no idea if I'm being a wonderful, stellar achiever in everything else -- if I do badly in the one area that THEY see, they will still think that I am horrible. And for some reason I just can't handle the thought of that.
So, yeah... I'm perfectionistic, I guess. But I really have been my whole life. Making sure that things look awesome -- that people perceive me as someone who can do things, who is good at something, or who has talent or intelligence -- has always been a way of making sure my world stays in alignment. Everything will be okay as long as it looks okay. Such an astounding illusion, really, but such a powerful one. Even yet, I still believe that if I can make everything look okay enough, eventually I will HAVE to be okay.... or maybe even good enough. Maybe, someday, good enough to be liked. Good enough to be loved.
Too bad I've never quite managed to reach that stage yet.
I binged and purged last night, and again tonight. I managed a week and a day without it before I caved. The biggest problem was not the actual stopping of the bulimia-- it was what happened as a consequence of stopping. Basically, I've been spending the last week overeating/binging... er, well, a lot. I didn't really bother counting how many times it happened, but it happened almost every day. There might have been one, or maybe two, days when I didn't "really" overeat or binge.
I weighed myself the other day and found out that in a period of not quite two weeks, I gained FIVE AND A HALF pounds. So that made me freak out. And then I freaked out more when I started scrutinizing myself in the mirror, as I am wont to do to check to see if my fat deposits have grown or shrunk, and I saw that they had grown. Given the weight gain, I am not at all convinced that seeing the enlargement of my fat was even close to being an image distortion. I mean, if you look at yourself practically every goddamned day in the mirror, minute changes are not that hard to see.
I am just so fucking sick of being fat. I was at a healthy BMI for my height when I weighed 20 pounds less than this, so WHY do I have to weigh so fucking MUCH??? Why do I feel like I should stay somewhere around this weight? Because my new pants won't fit me anymore? Because I'll start wearing my older jeans, and someone might notice I'm wearing all my smaller clothes and suspect I'm losing weight? Why does it even fucking matter if anyone knows I'm losing weight? I mean, it's MY business, not anyone else's, and if I want to lose weight, I am perfectly within my rights as an adult woman to do so. I'm 21; I go to university; I paid for my own tuition; I have a job. I'm not exactly independent and responsible, but I'm not a child either.
The only reason people are able to have that weight-maintenance influence on me is because I let them. And I let them because their opinions matter to me, and I don't want them to think I'm weird, or suspect that I have even slight food issues, or have any reason to know or even guess that I have and/or used to have mental illness problems. I just want to seem normal. Really, I want to BE normal. The problem is that I'm not even sure normal is attainable for me. I do know that the appearance of normal is fairly attainable, although I will always have quirks that come out despite my best efforts -- but so do most people. So even that can be normal, as long as I don't talk about certain subjects to certain people or what have you.
I'm just so sick of having to put all this effort in just to seem okay, normal, stable, well. Sick of how much thought and planning it can take just to both look and feel somewhat normal about food on a given day. Sick of how much thought and planning it takes to organize my life: I have to make sure I get this or that thing done, make sure I eat enough calories to live but not so many that I gain any weight, make sure I get good grades in school, make sure my coworkers don't start hating me or thinking I'm a slacker or a crappy employee, make sure I socialize some, make sure my friends don't feel neglected or like I hate them, make sure I am being somewhat active so I'm not a lazy slob with too much body fat, etc etc etc. I mean, the list could go on for days. There's so much in there that it fucking exhausts me. Is it any wonder I just want to get rid of it all so often? How can anyone person be expected to perform optimally in everything all at once? And yet I feel that I must, because people who are only part of one area of my life have no idea if I'm being a wonderful, stellar achiever in everything else -- if I do badly in the one area that THEY see, they will still think that I am horrible. And for some reason I just can't handle the thought of that.
So, yeah... I'm perfectionistic, I guess. But I really have been my whole life. Making sure that things look awesome -- that people perceive me as someone who can do things, who is good at something, or who has talent or intelligence -- has always been a way of making sure my world stays in alignment. Everything will be okay as long as it looks okay. Such an astounding illusion, really, but such a powerful one. Even yet, I still believe that if I can make everything look okay enough, eventually I will HAVE to be okay.... or maybe even good enough. Maybe, someday, good enough to be liked. Good enough to be loved.
Too bad I've never quite managed to reach that stage yet.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Normal eating is a strange creature. It does not stay the same from one day to the next. It fluctuates, moves, changes with the environment, perking its ears to the sounds of breezes through trees, mind examining and calculating the possible dangers, the pitfalls, the way to move fluidly through the forest without stumbling and breaking a bone. Its keenest instinct is for survival. It knows that the method to do this is... well, not any one method at all. General guidelines, which can change when the guidelines prove useless or dangerous.
Normal eating, though, is not self-starvation. It is not the wild creature laying down, wrapping its tail around its body, occasionally getting up to lap from a pool of water and otherwise resting, languid, slowly but surely making its way to blending with the earth, no more indistinguishable than the patch of dirt upon which it rests.
Normal eating is also not bulimia. It is not the lion cub, tearing at a bloody carcass savagely, devouring as much of the raw fuel as it can fit inside its belly, and then running, growling, paws pounding hard over rough stones and blistering, scorching savanna for hours and days, frantic and stuffed and never fulfilled all at once.
Normal eating is the hummingbird, its beak poised inside a brightly-colored blossom, intaking the sweet essences contained in the flower's heart. It is a tree, its roots planted firmly in the ground, its branches outstretched, the sunlight warm and caressing on its full green leaves. It is, too, the stray dog begging for every scrap of food a human hand is willing to toss down to it; it is the seagull tearing apart garbage, scavenging for all the crumbs it can find in a greasy paper bag, a plastic toxic concoction of half-eaten oils and starches. But it is also the hawk soaring over water, catching a fish in its talons, soaring even with the heavy weight dragging it down -- finding the shore, finding life -- triumphing in the end as it rejoices in its hard-earned prize.
I want to be the hawk.
Normal eating, though, is not self-starvation. It is not the wild creature laying down, wrapping its tail around its body, occasionally getting up to lap from a pool of water and otherwise resting, languid, slowly but surely making its way to blending with the earth, no more indistinguishable than the patch of dirt upon which it rests.
Normal eating is also not bulimia. It is not the lion cub, tearing at a bloody carcass savagely, devouring as much of the raw fuel as it can fit inside its belly, and then running, growling, paws pounding hard over rough stones and blistering, scorching savanna for hours and days, frantic and stuffed and never fulfilled all at once.
Normal eating is the hummingbird, its beak poised inside a brightly-colored blossom, intaking the sweet essences contained in the flower's heart. It is a tree, its roots planted firmly in the ground, its branches outstretched, the sunlight warm and caressing on its full green leaves. It is, too, the stray dog begging for every scrap of food a human hand is willing to toss down to it; it is the seagull tearing apart garbage, scavenging for all the crumbs it can find in a greasy paper bag, a plastic toxic concoction of half-eaten oils and starches. But it is also the hawk soaring over water, catching a fish in its talons, soaring even with the heavy weight dragging it down -- finding the shore, finding life -- triumphing in the end as it rejoices in its hard-earned prize.
I want to be the hawk.
Friday, February 22, 2008
I am not going to purge this binge I engaged in at the movies tonight. I am also not going to eat yet again more, so I can purge my stomach completely empty afterwards and feel somehow better about myself.
Tonight I am going to sit with it. I am going to live with the consequences of my actions. I am not going to take the cop-out way of sticking two fingers down my throat, leaning over a toilet bowl, feeling that familiar and easy release. I am not going to fucking do it.
I'm tired of living my life worried about food. My aim is for three fairly balanced, fairly healthy meals a day, plus snacks whenever I need them. An evening one will probably be necessary. Essentially, I am trying to put myself back on the Homewood meal plan again, only minus some of the food bulk and probably some of the calories. The Homewood meal plan was 2000 cals easy, though, so I don't feel guilty about cutting out a few hundred. I can easily maintain my weight on something like 1800, and hopefully feel satiated as well.
I know that this whole normal eating thing is going to take quite a bit of time. There are days when I'll possibly not eat certain meals, or put off certain meals; there are certainly going to be days when I overeat, by accident or just because I can or in spite of the fact that I know I'll probably feel like shit afterwards. Thing is, it is very hard for me to actually, TRULY learn if, every time I make an overeating mistake, I simply purge it out and forget about it. That's not how normal human beings learn to eat less. Rather, they eat too much, get sick and full and feel gross, and the next time they want to eat the same things in the same quantities they remember how it felt before, then choose to do it or not, as the case may be.
I need... to do something about all this ED shit. Because I'm sick of relying on it as that cop-out thing I do, and I'm sick of obsessing about food, and I'm sick of that same old bullshit story that I HAVE to be thin to acceptable, that only thin people ARE acceptable, and that being thin is not only preferable to being overweight, but preferable to being a normal weight as well. It's all fucking SHIT, and I'm SICK of it!! It is NOT normal to diet yourself beyond your set point, any more than it is normal to binge or compulsively overeat yourself beyond it. It is not normal to be a weight that is abnormal on your frame. The weight on your frame doesn't even mean anything about the real fucking you... rather, it is a visible, pointed statement about your food habits up until this very moment in your life. I don't know who decided that your previous eating habits were complete indicators about your various personality traits, but it's a load of crap, and I can't believe people buy into this shit so often. Including me. Maybe especially me.
I want to be healthier. I want to have more emotions. I want to live, instead of just pretending -- going through the motions with a happy fucking smile even when I'm not happy. So maybe there are days when I won't be happy! So what??? People aren't supposed to be happy and placid all the time! That's not even the way human nature works!
I am so sick of society's bullshit. So fucking sick of it. And I am, one way or another, going to remove myself from all of this before it is too late, and it takes away significant chunks of my soul as well as my body and mind.
I WILL NOT. FUCKING. HAVE IT.
Tonight I am going to sit with it. I am going to live with the consequences of my actions. I am not going to take the cop-out way of sticking two fingers down my throat, leaning over a toilet bowl, feeling that familiar and easy release. I am not going to fucking do it.
I'm tired of living my life worried about food. My aim is for three fairly balanced, fairly healthy meals a day, plus snacks whenever I need them. An evening one will probably be necessary. Essentially, I am trying to put myself back on the Homewood meal plan again, only minus some of the food bulk and probably some of the calories. The Homewood meal plan was 2000 cals easy, though, so I don't feel guilty about cutting out a few hundred. I can easily maintain my weight on something like 1800, and hopefully feel satiated as well.
I know that this whole normal eating thing is going to take quite a bit of time. There are days when I'll possibly not eat certain meals, or put off certain meals; there are certainly going to be days when I overeat, by accident or just because I can or in spite of the fact that I know I'll probably feel like shit afterwards. Thing is, it is very hard for me to actually, TRULY learn if, every time I make an overeating mistake, I simply purge it out and forget about it. That's not how normal human beings learn to eat less. Rather, they eat too much, get sick and full and feel gross, and the next time they want to eat the same things in the same quantities they remember how it felt before, then choose to do it or not, as the case may be.
I need... to do something about all this ED shit. Because I'm sick of relying on it as that cop-out thing I do, and I'm sick of obsessing about food, and I'm sick of that same old bullshit story that I HAVE to be thin to acceptable, that only thin people ARE acceptable, and that being thin is not only preferable to being overweight, but preferable to being a normal weight as well. It's all fucking SHIT, and I'm SICK of it!! It is NOT normal to diet yourself beyond your set point, any more than it is normal to binge or compulsively overeat yourself beyond it. It is not normal to be a weight that is abnormal on your frame. The weight on your frame doesn't even mean anything about the real fucking you... rather, it is a visible, pointed statement about your food habits up until this very moment in your life. I don't know who decided that your previous eating habits were complete indicators about your various personality traits, but it's a load of crap, and I can't believe people buy into this shit so often. Including me. Maybe especially me.
I want to be healthier. I want to have more emotions. I want to live, instead of just pretending -- going through the motions with a happy fucking smile even when I'm not happy. So maybe there are days when I won't be happy! So what??? People aren't supposed to be happy and placid all the time! That's not even the way human nature works!
I am so sick of society's bullshit. So fucking sick of it. And I am, one way or another, going to remove myself from all of this before it is too late, and it takes away significant chunks of my soul as well as my body and mind.
I WILL NOT. FUCKING. HAVE IT.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Two words patter over and over in my head like the soft footsteps of a child:
Weight-loss-weight-loss-weight-loss-weight-loss
It is soft and breathy and full of seductive undertones. It pulls me under, a hypnotist, eyes black as starless night, and I am powerless to defend myself against it.
++++++++++
She said, "I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty
And I think my head is cavin' in"
Weight-loss-weight-loss-weight-loss-weight-loss
It is soft and breathy and full of seductive undertones. It pulls me under, a hypnotist, eyes black as starless night, and I am powerless to defend myself against it.
++++++++++
She said, "I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty
And I think my head is cavin' in"
RIP, Polly Williams.
Polly Williams, one of the main characters in the documentary "Thin" by Lauren Greenfield, has passed away.
Her obituary can be found here.
This makes me so, so sad. :'(
Her obituary can be found here.
This makes me so, so sad. :'(
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Self-harm triggers
Tore my arm up a bit with a fresh razorblade tonight. Blood was running down my arm in several places, dripping pleasantly on the hardwood floor. More droplets than I think I've ever dripped there before. I did a whole bunch of cuts, very quick slices with some pressure, enough to make the seams come open and really bleed. That's what I wanted -- needed. Wanted to see proof that I am, for now, truly harming myself enough.
I pulled back on the bulimia enough to try and have a semi-clear head for my psych test; but I haven't got a really important test for a good while, so I don't fucking care right now. I b/ped once earlier tonight, and then -- funny enough -- went to a screening of a film for eating disorders awareness week, with a discussion panel of eating disorder experts afterwards. I was hungry when I was there, and sort of hungry when I got home, but I am not putting even MORE unnecessary food into this stupid body.
Odd, isn't it, that all the ED awareness week stuff has just served to motivate me even further to self-destruct? Maybe because they only take you seriously if you're actually doing serious, deliberate, cruel damage to yourself. Maybe because I still really, truly believe I deserve every bit of it. I take a sadistic pleasure in it (and I do mean sadistic, not masochistic). Maybe I can bring myself to semi enjoy the pain, but I much more enjoy being the inflictor of it. Only upon myself, of course; but that lessens none of the pleasure.
I am totally, hideously fucked up. I know. You really don't have to tell me.
I pulled back on the bulimia enough to try and have a semi-clear head for my psych test; but I haven't got a really important test for a good while, so I don't fucking care right now. I b/ped once earlier tonight, and then -- funny enough -- went to a screening of a film for eating disorders awareness week, with a discussion panel of eating disorder experts afterwards. I was hungry when I was there, and sort of hungry when I got home, but I am not putting even MORE unnecessary food into this stupid body.
Odd, isn't it, that all the ED awareness week stuff has just served to motivate me even further to self-destruct? Maybe because they only take you seriously if you're actually doing serious, deliberate, cruel damage to yourself. Maybe because I still really, truly believe I deserve every bit of it. I take a sadistic pleasure in it (and I do mean sadistic, not masochistic). Maybe I can bring myself to semi enjoy the pain, but I much more enjoy being the inflictor of it. Only upon myself, of course; but that lessens none of the pleasure.
I am totally, hideously fucked up. I know. You really don't have to tell me.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Binged. Purged. Took six diuretics -- four Pamabrom and two Aldactone. Feel fat as hell. It sounds stupid, but I take diuretics basically because they make me feel thinner... that, and I know they're probably at least somewhat fucking up my electrolytes and throwing my body's natural balance out of whack, which is also something I want, for whatever reason. I hold my breath when I take them, because they taste really really bad, and I drink them with the smallest amount of liquid I can get away with, because otherwise I feel like the liquid will take up all the space that the diuretics just drained, and the thought of it makes me crazy.
Lately all I want is pills pills pills. These herbal diuretics I see everywhere (who knows if they actually work or not, but I'd try them anyway). Maybe some more laxatives (I only have three left, which is no good for anything). More water pills. Diet pills, maybe. I haven't had the courage to buy diet pills or laxatives, but I'm getting there, I think. Eventually I'm sure I'll want them so badly that I'll say "fuck it" and just BUY them. Have considered things like green tea pills, herbal supplements of various sorts, mixes of this and that extract which supposedly stimulate the metabolism or suppress the appetite or generally make you lose weight. I don't know why I want weight loss pills, really, because I'm not all that willing to modify my diet such that I actually would lose weight. I guess maybe I just want assurances that I'm not going to gain a zillion pounds. And, of course, there's also my constant conviction that I'm more or less a beached Beluga whale -- white and grotesquely rotund and unfit to be gazed upon by the human race.
And the beat goes on
Lately all I want is pills pills pills. These herbal diuretics I see everywhere (who knows if they actually work or not, but I'd try them anyway). Maybe some more laxatives (I only have three left, which is no good for anything). More water pills. Diet pills, maybe. I haven't had the courage to buy diet pills or laxatives, but I'm getting there, I think. Eventually I'm sure I'll want them so badly that I'll say "fuck it" and just BUY them. Have considered things like green tea pills, herbal supplements of various sorts, mixes of this and that extract which supposedly stimulate the metabolism or suppress the appetite or generally make you lose weight. I don't know why I want weight loss pills, really, because I'm not all that willing to modify my diet such that I actually would lose weight. I guess maybe I just want assurances that I'm not going to gain a zillion pounds. And, of course, there's also my constant conviction that I'm more or less a beached Beluga whale -- white and grotesquely rotund and unfit to be gazed upon by the human race.
And the beat goes on
Sunday, February 03, 2008
What do you do when you think you're standing at the precipice of a long, narrow valley named "breakdown"?
I am tired of caring. I am tired of things being vital. So tired, I think, that my mind shut them all out; and now they are no longer vital. Now I don't have to worry about things. I don't have to care if I study properly for this test, or complete that assignment, because they don't matter to me. I don't have to care if I do really well at work on any given day, because I don't care whether people get mad at me or even if I get fired. I just don't fucking care about any of it.
As long as I can self-destruct, I think, I will always survive. Because nothing else matters, so I don't have to be ridiculously anxious about it, or completely broken up if it doesn't work out... which means I can focus on what my mind really wants to focus on in the first place, which is destroying myself. I don't really understand why my brain desires self-destruction so much, but it does -- and resisting the urges, and dealing with the feelings that brings up, on top of all the other stressors and depressors and irritations and anger-provoking things in my life, is just too fucking much. So I self-destruct, and I coast through life without having to deal. Without having to feel all these things which cause my moods to fluctuate so wildly and unpredictably, and which consequently cause me to feel insane.
Plus... I am alone, and not cared about by anyone. And a girl who isn't loved doesn't deserve to be nice to herself, or gentle or compassionate towards herself. No; a girl who is not loved, whom nobody even wants to be intimate with, deserves nothing less than self-destruction -- deserves nothing less than pain and dizziness and mental disorientation and dissociation. Because when a girl is not loved, doing harmful things to herself is the only way she can get by. Anything less just hurts too fucking much to handle. Self-destruction really is less painful than the things that lie beneath.
I am tired of caring. I am tired of things being vital. So tired, I think, that my mind shut them all out; and now they are no longer vital. Now I don't have to worry about things. I don't have to care if I study properly for this test, or complete that assignment, because they don't matter to me. I don't have to care if I do really well at work on any given day, because I don't care whether people get mad at me or even if I get fired. I just don't fucking care about any of it.
As long as I can self-destruct, I think, I will always survive. Because nothing else matters, so I don't have to be ridiculously anxious about it, or completely broken up if it doesn't work out... which means I can focus on what my mind really wants to focus on in the first place, which is destroying myself. I don't really understand why my brain desires self-destruction so much, but it does -- and resisting the urges, and dealing with the feelings that brings up, on top of all the other stressors and depressors and irritations and anger-provoking things in my life, is just too fucking much. So I self-destruct, and I coast through life without having to deal. Without having to feel all these things which cause my moods to fluctuate so wildly and unpredictably, and which consequently cause me to feel insane.
Plus... I am alone, and not cared about by anyone. And a girl who isn't loved doesn't deserve to be nice to herself, or gentle or compassionate towards herself. No; a girl who is not loved, whom nobody even wants to be intimate with, deserves nothing less than self-destruction -- deserves nothing less than pain and dizziness and mental disorientation and dissociation. Because when a girl is not loved, doing harmful things to herself is the only way she can get by. Anything less just hurts too fucking much to handle. Self-destruction really is less painful than the things that lie beneath.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
"Carbohydrate addiction?" Pffffffft.
So someone who is a pusher of the concept of "carbohydrate addiction", as he/she calls it, left this comment in my blog detailing various emotional issues and self-destructive behaviors:
If you were taking speed could it cause all these problems? -- Carbohydrates ARE speed!
This is how I responded:
Speed would cause my heart to race and probably get palpitations, my hands to shake, my blood pressure to increase, and my mood to swing wildly into insane mania. Carbohydrates -- even straight sugar from the box -- would not do THAT. And, actually, I think that speed's effects would be much more similar to drinking too much coffee than to eating a lot of sugar.
Look, I admit that high GI carbs do have a strange effect on the body sometimes, and they do often cause my blood sugar to swing and me to get strange and insistent hunger pangs when I am not actually hungry. HOWEVER, clearly I am aware of the effect high GI foods have on my body. If I do eat them, I can anticipate the physiological changes and act accordingly. As in, I know that when a hunger pang hits me really hard half an hour after I eat something filling that was very high on the GI, it's probably not a true hunger pang, so I should wait a little while for it to go away.
And, you know, I do limit my high GI carbs for this reason. However, high GI carbs do not CAUSE my eating disorder, nor do they CAUSE the states of mind that make me engage in bulimic (or anorexic) behaviors. In fact, sometimes high GI carbs are more like a punishment, because I know my body hates them and doesn't process them evenly and well as it does with other foods.
PS: You may be interested to know that I eat lower GI carbs without any blood sugar problems whatsoever (whole wheat bread, for example), and can usually tolerate the occasional fruit (and, actually, I find that fruits agree with me very well).
Can you see now why your theory does not really do me that much good? I can eat carbs -- just not the high GI ones (often). And even when I am eating very mindfully, my eating disorder rears its ugly head anyway, because it's EMOTIONAL, not just physiological. No psychologist or psychiatrist would ever agree that a clinically diagnosable eating disorder is solely physiological anyway, because it's a load of crap to try and claim that. Eating disorders are what they call "biopsychosocial", which means they are multifaceted. They don't come from just one cause (like eating carbs).
++++++++++
I'm tired of people going around claiming that this or that ONE SPECIAL THING!!! will suddenly magically cure every problem I have. Even IF I did decide to do a zero-carb diet, that would only fix the food aspect of things. I would probably still end up going to other self-destructive coping mechanisms, like cutting, and I would still have all the emotional issues that built up over the course of my life to deal with.
So, no, stopping all carbs is not a quick fix. It's a nice idea, and wouldn't it be lovely if we could cure all the world's ills with one tiny diet change? but it just isn't true at all. I mean, god, people have been eating carbohydrates for thousands of years, and only in the last, say, 30 or 40 have we even had this "obesity epidemic". Where were all the poor carbohydrate addicts a thousand years ago? Seriously. People just ate to survive then -- which is what WE should do. If we actually did do that, we wouldn't get as fat as we do. This is why I am a firm believer in true intuitive eating -- eating what our biology requires and desires to stay healthy, with wiggle room for food as pleasure or food as part of socialization. THAT's what I strive for... not low-carb, not low-fat, and not some other diet. I am sick of diets, and sick of "gurus" claiming they will cure your every ill, when they really, truly won't.
Okay, I'm done.
If you were taking speed could it cause all these problems? -- Carbohydrates ARE speed!
This is how I responded:
Speed would cause my heart to race and probably get palpitations, my hands to shake, my blood pressure to increase, and my mood to swing wildly into insane mania. Carbohydrates -- even straight sugar from the box -- would not do THAT. And, actually, I think that speed's effects would be much more similar to drinking too much coffee than to eating a lot of sugar.
Look, I admit that high GI carbs do have a strange effect on the body sometimes, and they do often cause my blood sugar to swing and me to get strange and insistent hunger pangs when I am not actually hungry. HOWEVER, clearly I am aware of the effect high GI foods have on my body. If I do eat them, I can anticipate the physiological changes and act accordingly. As in, I know that when a hunger pang hits me really hard half an hour after I eat something filling that was very high on the GI, it's probably not a true hunger pang, so I should wait a little while for it to go away.
And, you know, I do limit my high GI carbs for this reason. However, high GI carbs do not CAUSE my eating disorder, nor do they CAUSE the states of mind that make me engage in bulimic (or anorexic) behaviors. In fact, sometimes high GI carbs are more like a punishment, because I know my body hates them and doesn't process them evenly and well as it does with other foods.
PS: You may be interested to know that I eat lower GI carbs without any blood sugar problems whatsoever (whole wheat bread, for example), and can usually tolerate the occasional fruit (and, actually, I find that fruits agree with me very well).
Can you see now why your theory does not really do me that much good? I can eat carbs -- just not the high GI ones (often). And even when I am eating very mindfully, my eating disorder rears its ugly head anyway, because it's EMOTIONAL, not just physiological. No psychologist or psychiatrist would ever agree that a clinically diagnosable eating disorder is solely physiological anyway, because it's a load of crap to try and claim that. Eating disorders are what they call "biopsychosocial", which means they are multifaceted. They don't come from just one cause (like eating carbs).
++++++++++
I'm tired of people going around claiming that this or that ONE SPECIAL THING!!! will suddenly magically cure every problem I have. Even IF I did decide to do a zero-carb diet, that would only fix the food aspect of things. I would probably still end up going to other self-destructive coping mechanisms, like cutting, and I would still have all the emotional issues that built up over the course of my life to deal with.
So, no, stopping all carbs is not a quick fix. It's a nice idea, and wouldn't it be lovely if we could cure all the world's ills with one tiny diet change? but it just isn't true at all. I mean, god, people have been eating carbohydrates for thousands of years, and only in the last, say, 30 or 40 have we even had this "obesity epidemic". Where were all the poor carbohydrate addicts a thousand years ago? Seriously. People just ate to survive then -- which is what WE should do. If we actually did do that, we wouldn't get as fat as we do. This is why I am a firm believer in true intuitive eating -- eating what our biology requires and desires to stay healthy, with wiggle room for food as pleasure or food as part of socialization. THAT's what I strive for... not low-carb, not low-fat, and not some other diet. I am sick of diets, and sick of "gurus" claiming they will cure your every ill, when they really, truly won't.
Okay, I'm done.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I've had a very binge-y day today... a small "breakfast", a fairly large meal at work, then McDonald's for supper tonight, after a few cookies and before a "dessert" (aka end-of-a-binge) of three chocolate-coated granola bars. And then half a glass of caffeine-free Diet Pepsi with four Aldactone. (Aldactone would be the potassium-sparing diuretics I mentioned an entry or two ago.) Not that the Aldactone really helped much... but perhaps it helped a little, or will help more later when things are digested better. I hope so anyway.
I suppose I knew this was coming, though. I've been purging far too much lately -- lost a couple of pounds, which really isn't a big deal since I'm nowhere near underweight, but I always tend to freak out a bit when I lose any weight at all. It's stupid, but it's like losing a pound or two = OMG YOU'RE STARVING YOURSELF AGAIN AREN'T YOU YOU IDIOT. Which I'm really actually NOT, since I tend to eat a fairly healthy breakfast and lunch every day, at the very least; but there's still some block in my brain against even semi-deliberate weight loss. Sometimes I even think that this is the reason I've gained weight... because gaining, in my mind, is better than losing. Gaining means I am not conforming to completely stupid and brainwashing societal ideals of thinness, and it also means I am definitely not even close to starving to death. And, yes, I realize how illogical this all sounds... but it is how my brain works.
I severely need to go to bed now, though. I am tired out of my freaking mind. I was supposed to finish a math assignment tonight, but couldn't because I couldn't concentrate at all due to being completely miserable -- and then, of course, just as my mood was just beginning to lift, fatigue slammed its iron fist deep into my belly and brain. Soooo... no math for me tonight. Oh fucking well. I'll get done what I can get done tomorrow morning / early afternoon, and that will have to be good enough. And if it isn't, well, it's my own fucking fault again, isn't it?
I am terribly afraid this will be a repeat of my last school semester -- which ended with me dropping all my courses and getting zero money back for any of them. I do NOT want that to happen again. CANNOT let it happen. And yet... I am already unable to concentrate properly on my work. This really, really is not a good sign.
Bulimia frequency increase? Check.
SI frequency increase? Check.
Self-hatred and self-destruction taking over? Check.
And now... schoolwork going amiss? Another fucking check.
I wonder just how many checks it will take before really bad things start to happen.
I suppose I knew this was coming, though. I've been purging far too much lately -- lost a couple of pounds, which really isn't a big deal since I'm nowhere near underweight, but I always tend to freak out a bit when I lose any weight at all. It's stupid, but it's like losing a pound or two = OMG YOU'RE STARVING YOURSELF AGAIN AREN'T YOU YOU IDIOT. Which I'm really actually NOT, since I tend to eat a fairly healthy breakfast and lunch every day, at the very least; but there's still some block in my brain against even semi-deliberate weight loss. Sometimes I even think that this is the reason I've gained weight... because gaining, in my mind, is better than losing. Gaining means I am not conforming to completely stupid and brainwashing societal ideals of thinness, and it also means I am definitely not even close to starving to death. And, yes, I realize how illogical this all sounds... but it is how my brain works.
I severely need to go to bed now, though. I am tired out of my freaking mind. I was supposed to finish a math assignment tonight, but couldn't because I couldn't concentrate at all due to being completely miserable -- and then, of course, just as my mood was just beginning to lift, fatigue slammed its iron fist deep into my belly and brain. Soooo... no math for me tonight. Oh fucking well. I'll get done what I can get done tomorrow morning / early afternoon, and that will have to be good enough. And if it isn't, well, it's my own fucking fault again, isn't it?
I am terribly afraid this will be a repeat of my last school semester -- which ended with me dropping all my courses and getting zero money back for any of them. I do NOT want that to happen again. CANNOT let it happen. And yet... I am already unable to concentrate properly on my work. This really, really is not a good sign.
Bulimia frequency increase? Check.
SI frequency increase? Check.
Self-hatred and self-destruction taking over? Check.
And now... schoolwork going amiss? Another fucking check.
I wonder just how many checks it will take before really bad things start to happen.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I used to think that things like a truly good, meaningful life, intimate relationships, and fulfillment just didn't exist. My thinking has enlightened some since those times: I believe, now, that these things can possibly exist... for other people. But I do not truly believe they will happen for me.
To have these things in my life would take a truly remarkable combinations of the right circumstances, as well as the right people coming into my life at the right times. What are the fucking chances that it will ever happen? I just don't think my life is set up in such a way as to allow me to be receptive to anything so good as the things which I crave. I don't, in short, believe that idealism will ever come true for me. Ever.
The only reason, therefore, that I have any hope at all is because, if I can't live IN the things I most desire, at least I can sit on the fringes and watch. At least I can know it's there... and maybe I can drink some of it in by proxy.
Maybe.
I apologize if this wasn't truly coherent. I have to admit I recently came off a bit of a b/p, and as such I am not quite as clearheaded as usual right now.
To have these things in my life would take a truly remarkable combinations of the right circumstances, as well as the right people coming into my life at the right times. What are the fucking chances that it will ever happen? I just don't think my life is set up in such a way as to allow me to be receptive to anything so good as the things which I crave. I don't, in short, believe that idealism will ever come true for me. Ever.
The only reason, therefore, that I have any hope at all is because, if I can't live IN the things I most desire, at least I can sit on the fringes and watch. At least I can know it's there... and maybe I can drink some of it in by proxy.
Maybe.
I apologize if this wasn't truly coherent. I have to admit I recently came off a bit of a b/p, and as such I am not quite as clearheaded as usual right now.
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