I am still not sure if it actually was that doctor... she thought she met me on a medical floor at some point. Who the fuck knows, I guess.

Anyway, I'm home. Picked up my script for my new 150mg dose of Effexor, and also bought my own blood sugar testing kit. The kit was free, but the testing strips were FIFTY DOLLARS. I was talking to my friend M later on and she said that she and her dad had the Walmart brand, which is just as good as the OneTouch I got, and the strips only cost them $20. Fml, seriously. I should have asked what the cheapest kind was. -.-

Anyway, my blood sugar soon after I got home (and purged the stupid A&W I just had to eat) was 6.6[119], which is quiiiiite a bit higher than it has been, though still normal. So I didn't test it again till just now, and it's gone down to 5.4[97]. That's still well within normal sugar levels, though, so I am in no way worried. I'm certainly not going to eat any calories before I go to bed tonight. It will just be me, my Diet Pepsi, my trazodone, and possibly an OTC sleep med or two, to make absolutely sure I conk out.

I guess the biggest question now is: Can I control myself over the next few days? Can I not land myself back in hospital? Already tonight I've had urges to take more pills than is healthy, but then I happened to look down at my kitten, who was looking up at me with these big eyes, and I just broke. I even got teary, for the love of god. I got sad. I don't want to leave him without his mommy. Then again, the other part of me says, "Oh, don't worry, your parents will foster him out with Heavenly Creatures, he'll get a new home, he won't be put down." It's like this constant fucking verbal battle between the part that wants to die and the part that wants to live. And I still don't know which one is going to win.

IOP program referral: Check. The only reason I even let them do it is because I want to be able to ask somebody there if there is ANYwhere I can go inpatient/residential that would take a case like mine. Homewood, the only one I really know, doesn't take people who are suicidal, and they also don't deal with self-injury and stuff. They basically ONLY deal with eating disorders, or will medicate you if you have, say, depression or anxiety. That's IT. AND they have no individual therapy, and I can't talk about my deepest crap in groups... and then there's the fact that they diagnosed me with AN when I was on the weight maintenance contract (and therefore obviously didn't meet the criteria for AN). I just really don't think it's going to work for me, at all, for a lot of reasons. So there had better be something else, otherwise I'm just going to cave in and self-destruct until I die. I already more or less am.