So I haven't purged in like 2 days... but my weight today was 116.8, and I feel hideously fat and disgusting, even though at the same time I think I can see a little more definition and a little less fat throughout my middle, etc. I may be imagining that last part, though.

I just... I dunno anymore. I can't decide if I'm fat or not, if I'm bulimic or not, if I'm a restrictor or not. I don't know if I even have the right to call myself eating disordered, when I can eat so much fucking food and be okay with it, and even enjoy it, most of the time. It's like the part of me that thinks I'm disgusting and huge, and the part of me that eats, are two totally different parts, and I can't make one connect with the other. If there was some way I could think of to drop loads of weight without having to stop eating and keeping in meals, I would do it. I've thought of diet pills, laxatives, diuretics, the whole she-bang, and I can't think of a damned thing that I personally could get my hands on that would allow me to do what I want to do.

So... I try to at least control my food somewhat, and I exercise. I want to go to the gym 4-5 times a week, if I can manage it. I want to make sure I can't get fat, even if I have to build up some muscle mass (and therefore not lose weight on the scale) to do it. Of course, today when I was at the gym the flu hit me fairly hard, so I had to stop my workout basically right in the middle, which I was pissed about. So chances are I can't even go in the next few days anyway -- AND I ate like the stupid pig I am tonight. A huge bowl of ice cream with syrup and two packs of Smarties, among other things. I did want the food, and I liked it, but... the mental consequences of eating like that, for me, are not exactly pleasant.

I fucking fail at everything.