Weighed in at 115.6 today, which makes me happy. I'm glad my true weight isn't actually 117. I was having a really hard time trying to deal with the fact that I was bigger than I was comfortable with. At this weight, at least, I feel slightly more secure, slightly less "fat". I just really really hate the idea of being much above 115. I don't know what it is, exactly, other than that 117 is too close for comfort to 120, which is a number I never ever ever ever want to see again. I would feel absolutely, disgustingly, hideously fat at 120. I don't know why, really. I just know I can never ever fucking get back there again, or risk just trying to off myself right there and then because I truly cannot deal with being that large.

Also, I guess I have a confession to make... I haven't been managing my three meals a day, or at least not in any proper way. What had been happening was that I would eat breakfast and lunch (lunch during work), eat my carb before and after a workout, go home. Then I would make and eat supper, but still be hungry, and be craving chocolate and shit, so I would end up eating too much, then having to purge. And, of course, some of supper would come back up as well . I have been eating something smaller late at night... usually carbs... but I know I'm probably not getting in the proper post-workout protein because of the purging. I'm truly at a loss about how to stop it, though. I can't eat more during the day -- I'm eating quite enough already -- and I can't seem to resist the night cravings. And I have a feeling this is not going to positively impact my muscle recovery and growth. *sigh*

I dunno. I've actually been vaguely, really considering Homewood again lately. It's the only place in the country that I know of that has a residential program for bulimia, which is what I know I would need if I wanted to kick this thing and get truly, 100% healthy. I never seriously considered doing a program solely for my bulimia before -- it was always restriction I wanted to get rid of -- but, as I said in a previous entry, the thought has been entering my head lately that maybe, MAYBE, I should try to kick bulimia too. I just know that I'd never be able to stick to it on my own, because the emotional consequences of not b/ping, or semi-restricting, would be far too great for me to be able to handle on my own. Which is why maaaaaybe Homewood would be a good idea.

For now, though, this is just an idea I am tossing around. I'm definitely not going to ask anybody for a referral. Even though I'm thinking more along the lines of recovery lately, I still don't see my situation as medically, or even psychologically, serious. It's probably stupid to wait till I get to a less stable, more breakdown-like place to apply for a program, but it seems that that is basically what I'm doing. Oh well. I simply do not have enough motivation to pick up and leave everything and fly halfway across the country for two months right now. I mean, that's a BIG change/upheaval. Who would take care of my cat? How could I pay my rent? And how the heck would I tell my coworkers that seemingly stable, happy Niika actually has a very annoying problem with binging and puking, and is going to fly away to live in a hospital for nine weeks?

So yeah... no. It's not going to happen now. But maybe, someday, it will... or maybe someday it will have to. Either way, maybe I'll be more receptive to that if or when the time comes.