I feel ED's pull... its band of control gets tighter and tighter, little by little. I'm not taking a big leap off a cliff this time -- its progress is gradual. But I know it's progressing. Thing is, I don't know how to stop it, or if I even can. I basically feel helpless. I have to do what it says, because I can't live if I don't.

My brain is telling me: Eat less. If you do eat, work out. Get rid of the food. Whatever way you have to do that is okay in my books. Sure, diuretics won't make you lose weight, but dehydration is a great way to punish yourself. Laxatives are cool too, if you can ever find a day when you don't have to work and you can take them. You need to lose weight, you fucking fatass, so you'd better fucking do something about it, or be a lardy disgrace forever. You have too many jiggly parts... get rid of them. Get rid of them NOW.

And it just keeps going on in that vein. Forever and a day, it seems. And I am getting stricter in my routines. Seems to be becoming: Have coffee for breakfast (cream is allowed, because it's yummy cream). Go to work. Nibble at work (that's allowed too); have a healthy break (only healthy is allowed). Usually this consists of burger on whole wheat, a container of full-fat yogurt, and a fruit serving. Nibble more if you like. Drink at least a liter of diet root beer on shift, because you're thirsty / want to. Pee a bazillion times. Get home from work, (or from my workout, which I've eaten a carb before), try to eat something healthy, crave horribly unhealthy foods, binge, purge. Then usually I end up eating something before bed, because I can't stand being as hungry as I get.

I just... I dunno. I don't know how to stop this. It's just... my life. My brain. And it just keeps going.