96.8 lbs. BMI: 16.7.

I want to lose more. Lose all this fat weight that I gained. Lose muscle, too, if necessary.

ED brain: 110% ON. 

Morning weight: 97.7 lbs. BMI: 16.9. As I said in the entry before this, I really thought I weighed a lot more than that... I guess not O.o. But I can see the fat gain all over my body and I HATE IT and I want it gone. And I don't want to deal with any of my psychological shit right now because I CAN'T deal on my own and I feel that's basically what I would have to do right now... I have no psychologist, no true psychological supports. I mean I could call the dietician or something but what would that do? She can't help with the psychological crap.

ARGH I HATE ALL THIS.

Just weighed... a night weight, but still... and I was 99 lbs. That means I'll probably be lower tomorrow morning. How is it possible that I've hardly gained any weight? I feel like I definitely look the same as at my "unsafe" weight (like 103-105) and I need to lose lose lose. I can't get this shit out of my head right now. FUCK.

(Ranty type thing ahead)

Ugh... yesterday and today were harder than things have been for awhile... people in my IOP treatment place talking about the millions of treatment centers they've been to, making me think I'm not good enough, I'm not sick enough... and then friends who are basically in full-out relapse mode, making me think "well if they can do it I can do it too"... and just not wanting to feel feelings, and all sorts of other shit. I need to quiet this stupid ED for good but I don't know how to do it. It seems like the more I eat, the more brain power I get, the louder ED gets because I start remembering everything from my past and I get triggered by stupid things like this and then I want to just restrict again. AAAAGH I don't even know

Did my first "week" of ED IOP Monday and Tuesday of this week, then had a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday... when I remembered today that this weekend is a long weekend (meaning I have a holiday on Monday from IOP) I was SO glad!!! Being at IOP was incredibly hard. It made me angry to be there, and then I would get ridiculously anxious after groups or meals, only to come home and crash into a drained, extremely empty depressive state. But now that I've not had groups or meal supports or any other sort of therapizing for a couple days, and have done some fun things, I sort of feel like my head's back on a little better... if that makes sense.

I don't know what I weigh right now. Last time I weighed myself was over a week ago, the day of my psychology assessment; that day I was 98.2 lbs. I'm kind of afraid to get on the scale now; but, more than that, I find myself partly not even caring what the number is (!!). I think this is because I know I'm likely to freak out at whatever number I see at this stage, and not caring is an easy thing to default to when in truth I really just don't WANT to care... and can't afford to think about that sort of shit if I'm going to be able to stay in recovery.

I still feel that this body is fat fat fat. Ginormous. Monstrous. Huge. The list could go on and on. And eating is still mostly a chore, and often something I hate doing; but the hatred seems to be easing off, if only slightly, and there are times when I do somewhat enjoy my meals or snacks. The trick is to just KEEP GOING. That is so important right now. The dieticians would call it mechanical eating. I call it just not letting ED's opinion affect what I am determined to do, which is to get my life back... even if it means having to eat regularly. I still dislike eating so much that this is still the way I see it. But I want my life back, GODDAMNIT, and I'm going to GET my fucking life back and ED can have a punch in the goddamned fucking FACE. And then screw off. Because I don't want to fucking listen to him/it anymore. 

I got accepted to [ED IOP]... but then I got an appointment for my psychological evaluation for two weeks away. And I was told on THAT day is when I'll get my appointment for the dietician assessment! *headdesk* Oh well. I suppose at least I'm getting anything for the ED. Some people can't even access services at all. Just a few years ago, that would have been the case here too.

As for me... well, I know I'm at least 94 now. It's possible I've gained more, but I'm not certain of it. I do know I'm getting hungrier in between meals, or after supper, like for a snack or whatever, and I haven't been able to stop myself eating crappy things like chocolate bars when I get like that, which pisses me off. I did NOT want to gain much weight before going to the program. But evidently my body has other things in mind... god fucking dammit!!! I hate this body... but I hate this eating disorder just as much... afhdskjfahskfhdskhfsa.

I'm quite frustrated. If you can't tell. Ha.

Eating. Trying to recover... slowly. If I do it too fast I will freak out. Last time I checked my weight it was ~94, and may have increased since then. I don't know. I am loathe/scared to find out. I don't want to freak out about the food I'm eating, because by a dietician's standards it probably still isn't enough, especially because I'm pretty sure they're going to want me on a weight gain plan eventually, and I'm not sure I'm actually doing that yet. I mean, to me I feel like I'm eating quite a lot of food, and I HAVE gained at least 2-3 lbs, so to me this still feels like a weight gain plan. Plus I think I've been eating more in the last couple of days, as I will get up at like 8 AM, eat something, then go back to sleep... then get up and have the "meals" I was already having. So there are some extra calories already.

I feel okay about this... for now. Tomorrow I am supposed to get the call with whether or not I am going to be offered a spot at HOPE. I had the RMI, and generally speaking I think I passed it, although there were a couple of questions that weren't so great or that I probably did not pass. But I'd say I passed at least 80% of them. So they can't really deny me entrance to the program... can they??? I don't know. I really hope not. I really think I need the support if this is to continue. One of my main issues is that I hate being alone, recovering alone, and then having everyone think I'm doing JUST FINE!!! because I look fine from the outside. I have absolutely no intentions of ever doing that again. If I'm going to gain weight and look "normal" again, I want support, because otherwise it will just be too painful to deal with and sooner or later I will fall back into ED. Partly maybe because I would wilfully want it, but also partly just because I'd be terrified of having to deal with anything in my life without it.

So there you have it... an update. I just noticed I hadn't posted anything in awhile, so I figured I'd write something.

90.9 lbs. BMI: 15.7.

Went to the dentist this morning and got a filling done. After I went to Shoppers to buy my bus pass, and took the bus to the grocery store, AND came back home with what little food I could purchase, part of my mouth and tongue were STILL numb. But I knew I had to eat/drink something because I did so much walking and was dehydrated, so I did it anyway... but I've gotta tell ya, trying to eat Greek yogurt and drink Coke Zero with half your mouth and tongue still numb made me feel like a damned infant. I could hardly get the fucking yogurt in my mouth, and if I wasn't careful while drinking I dribbled Coke down my chin. *sigh*

Ah well. First world problems. It could be much, much worse!!

Nothing now until next week, which as I mentioned before is basically chock full of appointments. So now I play the waiting game yet again. 

91.7 lbs.

Saw the liaison nurse today… talked a lot about the DBT that Dr. D is going to do with me. (It’s easier to write Dr. D than his full name, because it’s long and really difficult to spell. Haha.) They have this theory that once I get far along enough in DBT, I will be able to break down the barriers around my ED and I’ll be able to recover myself. Well, I sure hope that’s true. And I sure hope it happens before I end up in a hospital (aka the same psych ward I just got discharged from). You know.

My schedule looks a little something like this: Tomorrow I got a cancellation appointment to get my filling done (YES!) at 11:40. I say YES! only because I’ve been waiting forever to get it filled, and things like brushing can cause it pain because I have about three fillings in that one tooth and at least one is apparently crumbling. Then next Tuesday the liaison nurse comes over again at 1, on Thursday at 3 I see Dr. D for my first outpatient appointment, and on Friday I go in for my readiness inventory for the ED IOP at 1 PM. Yes, that’s right… I have to wait yet another week and a half to get the RMI done. Apparently everyone was or has been on vacation, and this was the earliest I could get an appointment. Woo-fucking-hoo.

At least I feel like thing are sort of starting to go somewhere now… though it remains to be seen how any of it will actually turn out. But I have hope that maybe at least some of it will help (like the DBT), and maybe I actually CAN do enough DBT work to be able to turn ED around before I end up hospitalized again. Maybe. I’d like to think it’s the last time I’ll ever need to set foot in a hospital... but, then, I’ve thought that so many times before. 

92 lbs. BMI: 15.9.

I just got up, so there isn't much to say. Gonna beg my dad to buy me a 2L of Diet Pepsi and I'll give him the money for it when he gets here. Haha. (I'm lazy and don't want to walk to the store.) Gonna take my meds with Powerade Zero and make my coffee in a bit.

Life wanders on.

 

92.3 lbs. BMI: 16 on the nose. (Also my lowest-ever adult weight thus far.) I think it will only be another .1 or .2 lbs before I'm in the 15s. I've never been in the 15s before, so that should be... well, vaguely interesting, I guess.

It's funny how the numbers don't matter at all, and yet they do. They only seem to matter in the context that I keep losing weight and that my BMI keeps going lower. The actual numbers aren't nearly as important as the downward progression. The numbers MUST go down, and continue to go down. That is my #1 goal right now in my entire life and being. How sad is that, right? But it's all I have left to cling to that doesn't drive me deep into despair and desperation and suicidality. So I will cling to it with all my might, and believe it is the most important thing in the world, because I have to. My life simply will not work if I try to do it any other way.

Oh, ED, you've certainly got a really fucking good hold on me now, haven't you. 

To make a long story short about my psych ward stay:


- Rediagnosed with BPD as my longest-standing, and underlying-everything-else, issue.

- Going to see a new psychiatrist who's going to do DBT-type stuff with me. Not precisely sure how that's going to work, but I guess I'll find out.

- Been medically accepted to the local ED program, and now have to go in and do the readiness inventory, which is this really long, tedious test that tells them how "motivated" you are to get better. I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to pass it. But, again, I guess I'll find out.

- Liaison nurse from hospital is going to see me until I get a psychologist, which is supposedly in another month or so. I haven't gotten a letter or anything saying when to come in or who I'm seeing, so I'm kind of starting to wonder what's happening with the psychologist thing. May call the clinic to try and see what's up with the referral.


 
So that's what I got out of it in the end... well, that and a few new friends, who, of course, I lost as soon as I left (and I'm not allowed to visit the ward for at least 2-3 months). But such is the way of psych wards. Mostly, you never keep in touch with people you meet in there. 

Going home today at around 5PM. I could have stayed for another day but nothing will change or be done differently in that day so I don't see the point in staying. I just hope I can keep myself safe when I get back home. I would imagine it's going to involve diving deeper into the ED, maybe deeper than I've ever been before. But I'm gonna have to handle it, cause I can't keep getting hospitalized like this. It's not going to do me any good to be in again and again after this.

I wish I could c/p my handwritten journal entry from last night... haha. But basically I have my "big" interview with the psychiatrist today, and I'm basically nervous as fuck about it. I'm afraid of misdiagnosis; I'm afraid he won't want to put me on the Lamictal as my own psychiatrist recommended; I'm afraid that he'll put me on the ED protocol, and I'm also afraid that he won't. Really, there seems to be no winning in any of this. I'm also afraid of being discharged before I'm actually ready. If I went back to my life today, absolutely nothing would be different, and I know it would probably be sooner rather than later that I ended up back in the same headspace that brought me here.

I'm... not eating much again. I tried to eat more for a day or two, but I just can't handle it. ED is in absolute control and freaks the FUCK out if I break its rules. So I'm not going to try to break the rules anymore. I just can't challenge ED when I'm being given zero support to help me do so. I tried, and I really, truly can't do it. :/

So... there it stands with me as of now. I'll talk to the psychiatrist later on today sometime... no idea when. Not like it really matters. More time before it happens means more time when I don't have to think about it happening. I'm all right with that.

I feel like this little red dude:

Very short background to this post: I was admitted to the gen hosp psych ward very early Friday morning because I was very suicidal, so this is my third day on the unit.


Just finished my second breakfast in two days... I feel terribly bloated and fat. It was a cheese omelette (2 eggs & equiv about 1 thin slice cheese), a banana, half a cup of 1% milk, and then my decaf coffee with whitener and milk in it. I feel more guilty about the coffee than anything else... I shouldn't be letting myself have whitener that comes to 45 cals for ONE tablespoon. That's the way you're gonna get fat, Niika, the anorexia voice taunts in my head. All those extras. Not to mention all that FOOD. And you're not even on protocol. You disgusting, horrible pig.

It's a constant presence in my head, that voice... I feel very much like the ED is controlling me now, rather than me controlling it. I'm walking slowly up and down the one hall obscured from general nursing view and the girl here who's actually on protocol and is sitting down eating right now... not to get rid of cals so much as to try and keep my mind off this awful sense of fullness. Doing something else that involves my body detracts from the stomach sensations. And if I concentrate too much on how full I am, breakfast is going to go down the toilet just like supper did last night :/.

I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS ALONE. I shouldn't have to do this alone!! It's not that I want to be on protocol... I hate protocol too... but my ED is terrible right now and I've told the nursing staff this multiple times, but they don't seem to care at all. And then last night the nurse was all "but [the ED] is not what you're here for". This same nurse, by the way, was the one I told last night that the ED feeds into and partly causes my depression, so if they actually want to adequately treat my mood disorder they have to treat the ED too. But nobody fucking listens around here.

Tbh I'm starting to panic now. I might have to go get Ativan. This is just too much... too much to deal with alone... but I feel horridly guilty for purging. Plus I actually told them last night that I purged, so now they might pay more attention if I'm in a bathroom with water running. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE I HATE THIS SHIT.