I read this awhile ago, and thought it was so true. So I thought I'd share it with you guys. Written by an LJ user.


Bulimia is like a rollercoaster. Anorexia is like sitting on a bench at the amusement park while everyone else rides the rides.

Bulimia is plunging headfirst into the deep end, and then running out, then plunging in again. Anorexia is hanging your feet in the shallow end of the pool, too scared to go in but too scared to run out, either.

Bulimia is hitting Fast Forward followed by frantic attempts to Rewind. Anorexia is Pause.

Bulimia is fun and ferocious and horrible. Anorexia is counting calories, doing math problems and making graphs of weight-loss trends.

Bulimia is f--d and sex and life and death. Anorexia is staring at the minute hand of a clock.

Bulimia is gaining and losing 10 lbs within the space of a few hours. Anorexia is tiny increments, subtle change day by day, thigh circumfrence change measured in milimeters.

Bulimia is like creating a soap opera out of life to distract from the fact that you just can't handle living. Anorexia is making life smaller and smaller and more manageable because you just can't handle living.

582 cals today. For the love of all that is good, PLEASE don't let me eat any more food today.

In other words, if you've got anything motivating you could say or paste here, or otherwise direct me to, I'd really appreciate it... :).

850 cals so far today. I'd like to avoid going above 1000 if I can.

I actually think that lately I've been building a little muscle (not that much, but a little) and losing more inches, instead of losing weight. Reasons for this hypothesis:

1. I looked at my body in the mirror a few days ago and said, "Wow... I have a sort of athletic look to me. And I kinda... like it!" It was really bizarre.
2. This could be a result of washing/stretching, of course, but it seems like my newest jeans, the sizes 27/28 (size 3-5), are getting slightly loose on me.
3. My therapist said she thought I had been continuing to lose weight... even though my weight has been relatively stable for at least a month and a half now.

So... I really don't know. I'd like to believe it, but I'm hardly able to. I look bigger to myself these days. I'm always afraid that I'll wake up one day and not be able to get my smallest jeans on. If that happened, well, I'd completely freak the fuck out. I'm already freaking out enough because I swear I've got more fat on my body now, and my thighs are jigglier, and my stomach poofs out more -- if I gained much and/or stopped being able to fit into my clothes, we would have REAL problems.

Fuck "recovery".

I'm back.

I thought I was doing this great thing today when I made myself buy a club sandwich and large carton of chocolate milk, and then over about two hours eat and drink the whole thing. It's true that I did need the calories -- I'd been walking a lot that day, and twice had sat down, completely red in the face, full of sweat, and exhausted to a dangerous point. So I had to have some sort of substantial food -- preferably something I couldn't look up on the Internet later to check calories. I mean, it was fine... or so I thought.

Now, though, I think my intestines are getting back at me for putting such a strange type of food inside it -- a food it hasn't seen for quite awhile. I'm completely bloated and clogged up and heavy-feeling. My stomach is sticking out so far that I swear I almost look pregnant. And, worst of all, this load of water I've been drinking doesn't seem to want to help the food move through me at all.

If you've never read this before, read it now. Please.

http://www.net33.com/thin/updown.htm

My hands and feet are really cold, but I'm sweating because I'm too warm. Fucked up much? :|

Afraid of gaining. Afraid of losing. Afraid of eating. Afraid of not eating.

I hate this.

So when I eat too much, or eat a lot and don't count the calories, what do I do? Exercise compulsively. How the hell am I supposed to get better like this? Or will I ever fucking snap out of it?

I'm sorry I sound so depressed and pessimistic lately. The fact is, my mood has taken a turn for the worse, and it doesn't seem like my antidepressant is helping me all that much anymore. Plus the pdoc's got me started on a low dose of Seroquel, which serves to make me extremely groggy (and doesn't help me fall asleep any faster). Then, of course, there's the not being able to get warm, hair falling out, and hips too big for body things that are becoming issues now. Yeah. When I was blowdrying my hair today, every five or ten seconds another hair would just fall out of my scalp. It's not a lot of hair loss -- yet -- but it will become that. And my body is starting to look strange even to me. All I want is to be thinner, but I hate the way I look even at this weight, and I know I will hate it more if my weight diminishes.

I dunno. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I have a cold sore in the corner of my lip, there's something unidentified and painful in the bottom of my left foot (I can't see anything, but I can feel it), and my eating disorder is starting to scare me because I'm always cold and weird-feeling now no matter how much I eat.

So how are you today? :/

I'm debating whether I should go to the doctor for a full physical. On the one hand, I'm scared that she'll find out about the eating disorder (of course she would) -- but more scared that something is seriously wrong and she's going to threaten to send me to specialists / the hospital. On the other hand, not knowing what's going on with my body unnerves me, and if something happens to me I probably won't even know what it is, let alone know what to do when it happens.

Any opinions? :/.

Hey girls (and boy!). I was doing excellently in my 200 cal day until tonight... which i don't really consider my fault at all. Certain combinations of circumstances left me depressed, angry, and sitting in a little ball on a couch as I tried to figure out what the hell to do with myself. The only thing I could think of, other than self-injury or yet another OD, was to take Ativan. Specifically, 6mg of Ativan all under the tongue at once. Didn't take too long for me to start feeling hyper -- and then, after the brief interlude of dancing-craziness-insanity, a nice sleepy calm came over me, which has been with me ever since. I must confess, I like feeling calm. It's an emotion that's rare for me lately.

But anyway... after taking the Ativan I went to my kitchen and started eating. Now, all I had was four cookies (300 cals) and a bowl of Multigrain Cheerios with milk (175-200 ish) -- well, okay, and like two Wheat Thins. I still don't feel guilty about it; but I'm sure it'll hit when I get on that scale tomorrow.

I kinda liked the ability to just enjoy a treat when on the Ativan, though. I haven't had Rainbow Chips-A-Hoy in forever, and it was nice to be able to allow myself a couple of them. It seems that when my anxiety goes away, I eat about as "normally" as it is possible for me to eat. On the other hand, this is probably my last night overloading on the Ativan, since I start 25mg of Seroquel tonight for sleep. I really hope that one works -- and maybe will have some slight mood stabilizing properties, too, even though it's such a small dose. One can hope, right?

Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed now. Already feeling pleasantly relaxed from the Ativan, so it's looking mighty tempting to pop the Seroquel now and get ready for lights out. :)

Au revoir!

I have decided to try one thing, and NOT WAVER on it: I will not drink diet soda anymore. I honestly think that diet soda is a big factor keeping me on this plateau. Lately I've really been lovin the diet soda, and I'm probably loving it too much. It always had a tendency to make me plateau... I thought that effect might go away if I drank diet soda for long enough, but I guess it didn't! And, I mean, it's not like 600-900 cals per day isn't still restricting anyway......

Okay... I just got a serious reality check. I posted my monthly weigh-in at [a LiveJournal community], and I lost a grand total of... THREE fucking pounds. Not to mention that I've gained it all BACK since my weigh-in day.

Omfg. I think I'm gonna lose it. I never realized just how little I was losing... I was ignoring my under-500 thing (doing between 600 and 1000 cal days, but mostly 600-800), thinking, "Oh, it's not a big deal." But I just realized how much of a big deal it IS. I want to lose the weight, and I want to lose it FAST.

So... opinions about what I should do? Do you think the 2468 diet would work for me? How about a juice fast, or fruit fast, or some other only-certain-foods type fast? I'm not sure I could handle a 0-cal fast right now, because I get really weak really easily from lack of nutrients, but I need SOMEthing better than what I have right now, because I have GOT to LOSE MORE.

All right. Shit is better now. I told my therapist a goodly amount of what I wrote in my last entry, and said some things I really needed to say, so I feel a bit better about the whole thing now. Translation: I haven't entirely given up hope on it yet :). Plus, psychology class was awesome -- not the lecture (which was pretty much all biology, a subject I know barely anything about), but the fact that I was on MSN and AIM chatting with people WHILE taking notes. I was just... amazed. Haha.

On the eating front, I had a few candies this morning (yeah, I know... but it was only 100 cals), and then smartly and randomly decided to go to Subway after my appointment. I had a turkey deli... and discovered that ranch and BBQ sauce go well together. Who'd have thought!? (The BBQ sauce is somewhat sweet at Subway, so that doesn't necessarily hold true for other barbecue sauces.) Then, after class, I made my dad bring me to McDonald's to get a free muffin, and I ate about 3/4ths of it. And I've just put away all the groceries Mom brought home, and some of them are beginning to look mighty appetizing.

Today I think I may make a bit of an exception food-wise, though. I'm dizzy basically every time I walk (mild -- I'm not always falling over or clutching things, but I have a weird feeling in my head like I'm kinda swaying), and I think my blood pressure is a bit low. Note the word think. Oh, yeah, and I'm starting to get a headache. Anyway, I might eat just because that deli did make me feel better, so I probably need some food to feel better, and... ughhhhhh. I dunno. Maybe maybe not. I am conflicted. Then again, aren't I always???

Sorry for the lack of caps lock in this post. I originally wrote it in another journal.

◘◘◘◘◘◘◘◘◘◘

oh my. gotta go to the t soon. not really looking forward to it. not sure what i'm gonna say......

i was supposed to get in contact with my old t and see if i could set something up with her. however, she's sick right now. like, really sick. as in, sick leave for two weeks because her flu made her asthma go wacked. she's still got a week of the sick leave left, so this means i have at least one more week (this week) with the new t. i don't know what she's going to think about that, or do in today's session. i think she's finding me pretty impossible to work with, and i HATE that. the old t could always work with me on some level -- or at least, if she couldn't, she never said, "i don't know what the fuck to do with you today." i wonder if new t has any idea whatsoever how earth-shattering those words can be when said in practically every session (minus the curse words of course). like, every session being told you're hopeless and even the person who's supposed to know what the fuck to do doesn't know what to do with you. you're weird; you're tough; you're complex; you have defensive layers so high that it's a wonder you stay standing. but my old t managed to get past all that. now, not always, and not even for a full session -- but enough to get shit done. what do i do with a t who won't even try to penetrate that -- who will just sit there if i make no active attempt to break free of those walls? unfortunately, it isn't quite that easy for me. i shouldn't be having to make her trust ME... SHE should be making me trust HER enough for defenses to come down. but she isn't. she isn't.

god. i've got like five minutes left on my laptop before i have to pack up and leave to walk over to that bloody clinic to go to that bloody appointment. so what do i do? i don't know. i wish i could just run away and never face therapy again... but that's not how borderline girls get better. and if i don't get better, i die.

sometimes, though, i don't know if i'd just rather die out of it instead of trying so hard and so futilely. everywhere i go, it seems, someone wants to flatten me or trip me up or just turn my shoulders in a wrong direction. and i'm fucking sick of it. sick of the world. sick of this life. SOMEBODY let me out of this hell i'm stuck in, PLEASE?