Sorry for the lack of caps lock in this post. I originally wrote it in another journal.

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oh my. gotta go to the t soon. not really looking forward to it. not sure what i'm gonna say......

i was supposed to get in contact with my old t and see if i could set something up with her. however, she's sick right now. like, really sick. as in, sick leave for two weeks because her flu made her asthma go wacked. she's still got a week of the sick leave left, so this means i have at least one more week (this week) with the new t. i don't know what she's going to think about that, or do in today's session. i think she's finding me pretty impossible to work with, and i HATE that. the old t could always work with me on some level -- or at least, if she couldn't, she never said, "i don't know what the fuck to do with you today." i wonder if new t has any idea whatsoever how earth-shattering those words can be when said in practically every session (minus the curse words of course). like, every session being told you're hopeless and even the person who's supposed to know what the fuck to do doesn't know what to do with you. you're weird; you're tough; you're complex; you have defensive layers so high that it's a wonder you stay standing. but my old t managed to get past all that. now, not always, and not even for a full session -- but enough to get shit done. what do i do with a t who won't even try to penetrate that -- who will just sit there if i make no active attempt to break free of those walls? unfortunately, it isn't quite that easy for me. i shouldn't be having to make her trust ME... SHE should be making me trust HER enough for defenses to come down. but she isn't. she isn't.

god. i've got like five minutes left on my laptop before i have to pack up and leave to walk over to that bloody clinic to go to that bloody appointment. so what do i do? i don't know. i wish i could just run away and never face therapy again... but that's not how borderline girls get better. and if i don't get better, i die.

sometimes, though, i don't know if i'd just rather die out of it instead of trying so hard and so futilely. everywhere i go, it seems, someone wants to flatten me or trip me up or just turn my shoulders in a wrong direction. and i'm fucking sick of it. sick of the world. sick of this life. SOMEBODY let me out of this hell i'm stuck in, PLEASE?