I finally had a BM after about two days of feeling bloated and gross because I didn't have one... it was super hard and rather painful, though. I'm just glad to know things are finally starting to move naturally through me. I hate Ex-Lax.

Today my weight was 99.2 lbs; up .2 from yesterday. I have managed about 1650-1700 calories the last two days, and seem well on my way to managing at least that much today. I am trying very very hard for balance in my meals -- carbs (I do whole wheat whenever possible), proteins, veggies and/or dairy, fats. I'm still not eating fruit, but maybe eventually I'll be able to work it in... right now I'm still afraid of it. It really doesn't make much sense, because I'll eat jam or yogurt with sugar in it, but not fruit? I guess fruit is my last hold-out, or something. Maybe in coming days or weeks I can work it back in, somehow, sometime. I don't really care that much, to be honest. Almost all of the micro- and macronutrients in fruit are easily obtained from all the other food groups, anyway. Or so I'm convincing myself.

I still b/p at least once a night, but I knew that was going to happen. I can't control myself from doing it these days. Last night as part of my binge I polished off the rest of a box of cream crackers with real blueberry jam... I mean, really, who binges on blueberry jam and crackers?? But it was ridiculously delicious, and I couldn't hold back. After that I ate a bunch of chocolate, purged, then binged again on Life toasted cinnamon cereal with milk and blueberry muffins with margarine. Purged again; got everything out the 2nd time, and felt a lot better stomach-wise. I was able to go to sleep after that, though, thankfully.

These are interesting times that we live in.

So I've had a very sudden (or seemingly sudden) change of mind: I'm trying to start eating again. By which I mean regularly, and "enough". Yesterday was the first day of it; I know I managed to keep in a lot more cals than usual, though I don't actually know my exact cal count. Maybe close to 1500 or so? That estimate could be off by hundreds, as I ate a lot just before I went to bed, and don't really know the cals of all of it, etc.

Today so far I've had breakfast, which was 469 cals, and just now I had "lunch", which was 326 cals. My "lunch" was a sandwich on whole wheat with a bunch of toppings (including cheese), which I had honestly thought was a lot more cals than it was -- my total is just under 800, when I figured it was more like 900-1000. I guess this is why it's a decent idea to keep track of my food intake on a website or on Notepad (right now I'm using MyPlate): I can't trick myself into thinking I've eaten more than I have, or less. Not to mention I can keep track of stuff like sodium, protein, and fiber, which is useful. I've had quite a lot of protein today, actually... 39g so far. Some of it was from the bread I've had, though. I've eaten 4 slices of it so far today. Oh well -- it helps me get in my calories, and I certainly wasn't getting nearly enough grains before, AND the bread is whole wheat. So I'm not going to beat myself up about that.

Weight today was 98.6; yesterday it was 98. Since the day before that it was 96.4, I know that the weight "gain" is not real weight, but more likely food and water weight from actually eating again. That being said, though, I know this weight won't "go away" as long as I'm eating normally, since is the normal pound or two humans always have in them from actually eating and being hydrated. I'm surprised by how little I'm freaking out about it.

Then again, there is a pretty strong something in my head right now telling me that this is the right thing -- that eating is a good thing to do right now. Whatever that self-destructive/suicidal thing was in my head that made me restrict before seems to have vanished into thin air. I honestly, truly attribute this to my meds. I've noticed that while I'm in the process of falling back into major depression, I also get a serious increase of suicidal ideation, to the point that I really want to do it, my whole life seems hopeless, etc etc. And I have always said that in order to restrict severely I had to have a death wish. So now that the death wish is gone, apparently I may be capable of normalizing my intake again. It does make sense.

I know that bulimia won't go away nearly as easily as this, however, because for me bulimia is as natural as breathing, and has been from the first time I purged. The binging stems from emotional things, and the purging is something I feel to be a necessary response to such binging, so I don't see it stopping anytime soon. It would take a lot more than a simple balanced meal plan to fix that part of it. But whatever... I've had bulimia for years, and I'm used to it. It's the restriction that always desperately interferes with my life when it gets really strong, and the restriction I need to fix before I can do anything else with my life. So I guess it's better that I'm trying to do that now.

Wish me luck, I guess... and pray that this isn't just another "phase" of my eating disorder.

My weight just keeps climbing... due to water retention, I think. Even if I'm keeping more in from b/ps, I KNOW I'm not eating enough to gain real weight. I took lax yesterday, to be "cleaned out" for the doctor today, and instead of losing anything, I GAINED .4 lbs. So today I'm at 97.2, which just means I'm even more hideous and disgusting and fat.

Okay, fine, so my weight doesn't sound objectively fat. But I've put on 2 lbs in about 5 days (and at least some of it is water), and my bulimia is getting more out of control, and I just feel like shit in general. I don't really know why I'm not suicidal, but I'm not, so apparently there is nothing I can do about this. Not that I'd've been able to do anything anyway, probably, since I always fucking tell on myself.

And actually, if I'm being honest, I don't truly want to die. But living this way gets harder and harder by the week. Yet I can't stop... because I can't get FAT. I can't get fat a-fucking-GAIN. I'm so done with that bullshit. I'm done with all the world's bullshit, really. Yet that is all the world seems to be, so I am left going nowhere, and doing nothing in my life except starving and binging and purging.

If only I cared just a little bit more. Ha.

Yesterday, after lots of BMs from lax, my weight was 95.4; today it's back up to 96.2. Still, though, I have lost weight overall, so I'm not extremely dissatisfied.

Last night was difficult, though... I went to my parents' house for supper. They had veggie lasagna (which is just about the only dish they ever make for me now that I'm a vegetarian) and salad, so it really shouldn't have been that bad, but... that lasagna was SO hard. I really just didn't want to eat any of it, but I knew I had to eat some of it, so I took a small square and ate maybe 2/3rds of the portion. I took lots of garden salad and put ranch on it, though, and I ate all my salad, so it probably looked like I ate slightly more than I "really" did. I managed to eat enough to please them (or at least not make a fuss), but it was surprisingly torturous just putting food to mouth. In the past, I've always been able to decide to eat during a family meal, while on an outing, etc, and it hasn't traditionally been difficult... it's strange to find it's not so easy to just push aside ED anymore. I even took Ativan last night to make sure I didn't freak out about the lasagna I ate. That's fairly pathetic, but oh well.

I meant to write about other things, but I don't really feel like it anymore. Maybe later on.

Everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

96.6. BMI: 16.7.

I see the dietician today. I really have no idea what's going to go down. I still can't do a meal plan like she wants me to, so nothing's going to happen that way, unless I have some sort of miraculous breakthrough (which I doubt).

The sad thing is that I really don't have anything else to talk about but the ED. Ever since I stopped working, all I really do is sit at home, restrict, b/p, get online, watch TV, and read when I can. And, well, go to appointments when I have them, which is about once or twice a week on average, lately. That's it. My life is chock full of really fucking boring. Hence why I basically never write lately, except to update about weight and shit.

97.4. BMI: 16.8.

Just another day.

I know I need help, but I don't WANT help, and my lack of motivation is going to make it impossible for anyone to treat me anyway. Therefore, I'm screwed.

98.2. BMI: 17.

Lost a pound since yesterday. 98.6. BMI: 17.1.

I feel fairly like shit, but am definitely not unwell enough to need the ER / a hospital, so right now I am doing "all right", at least according to my standards. A good friend suggested I should see my GP, but I dunno if I actually will or not. I mean, there's like an 80% chance that my bloodwork will be perfectly fine, and I don't think I could stand to go to my GP, say "Maybe I should get bloodwork", only to have it come back and all be PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE. And the only other thing she could say would be "eat". Which I am clearly NOT going to do. So I hardly see the point, unless it's to probably make me feel bad about myself.

No... chances are I'll either wait till I go into some sort of medical crisis or half-crisis, or only go if someone like the dietician says I should have a checkup and/or bloodwork every x weeks. I do not want to go get this shit of my own volition, because I'm tired of saying I feel like x y or z only to have it completely physically unsubstantiated by medical tests.

In the meantime, I roll along the lazy river of "life". Which happens to be in a separate stream from what most people call "life"; but I really don't care how separate I am right now. In fact, most of the time I'd rather be away from other people than among them and their judgments and their pronouncements and their stares. In my river, at least no one looks at me quizzically or asks me questions I can't answer in a way that would make anybody happy.

Reached a new low weight, and also a goal, today: 99.6 lbs. Double digits. I was ecstatic when I saw the number... that lasted for, oh, maybe a couple hours? Now that more time has passed and my exhaustion has hit me again, I just feel like shit. The number was "good", I guess, but it also needs to continue to go down, because if it doesn't I will freak the fuck OUT, and it will not be pretty.

There's really nothing else to write.

After like a week and a half of maintaining my weight even though I was REALLY not eating enough to maintain, I have FINALLY lost!! Today I was 102 lbs. BMI: 17.6.

However, my only safe food these days, aside from the occasional small lollipop or Push Pop, is veggies and dressing :/. I actually had to strike cherry tomatoes from my list of safe foods a couple days ago, too, because I ate the entire container of tomatoes all at once, which led to me feeling too full, which led to a b/p. I mean, wtf?? It's pretty bad when you have to take a VEGGIE off your list of safe foods.

Of course, I've been craving all sorts of other foods like a motherfucker, which naturally leads to me b/ping... a lot. I've been doing it 3 or 4 times a day the last couple of days. However, I seem to have developed an ability to purge "better": that is, quickly and a lot more easily. For awhile purging had basically been torture, as it took at LEAST 20-30 minutes just to get the food out, and every heave was really like... weak and unsupported? But yesterday I suddenly seemed to get the hang of it again, and it goes by so much more efficiently now. I suspect it will wane again if this amount of b/ping continues, though. Ugh. Oh well. I'll deal with that if it comes to it.

So... I'm probably basically the worst I've ever been, ED-wise, especially when it comes to motivation for recovery. I have basically zero motivation to want to get better right now. I went to see the outpatient dietician, who took my history and whatnot, then told me I had a decision to make. She won't keep seeing me pointlessly while I get worse and don't work on anything... she will only see me if I'm actually going to try and get on a scheduled meal plan, etc. At this point I have absolutely no desire to try any sort of meal plan. It's not that I really like this life I'm living right now... it's that no other life seems any better than this, and at least in ED mode I can keep most of my demons at bay most of the time. It's better than constantly living in mental hell.

103.2.

Restricting, binging, purging.

There's really nothing else I can say.

Still the same fucking weight. I am absolutely fucking disgusting.

No more b/ping. It's keeping the weight on me. I NEED TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT NOW.

Today is the first day I've gotten a real weight since late December, and I couldn't be more happy with the number. 103.6 lbs. BMI: 17.9. Officially in the underweight category... not that that matters. I still have so far to go. In my head it's always 10 more lbs, 10 more lbs, 10 more lbs. I am definitely FARRRRR too fat to stop now. And there is no point trying to argue with me, because, frankly, I will not listen. I am GOING to get there, come hell or high water, and I WILL get there. Make no mistake about that.

Had two b/ps last night... was good to be able to "release" that energy finally. However, I am going to try and severely cut back on those sorts of behaviors. If the hospital taught me anything, it's that I am capable of having far more self-control than I ever thought. Which is good for the suicidality thing... but also good for the ED. Or, well, I guess "good" ED-wise is a judgment I make in my own mind. You'll have to decide whether you think all this is "good" or not. But I really, really do.

I didn't give much of an update yesterday -- I basically just copied and pasted my FB status, as I couldn't face making a real entry. But the point remains that other than this bit of self-control, hospital really didn't do a whole lot for me except give me a little bit of space to think (although I tried to avoid thinking most of the time), and all those referrals. It's so ridiculous... I'd thought I was finally going to get out of treatment for awhile, and now I've been loaded down with so many referrals for so many different kinds of treatment that it's almost obscene. Just looking at my hospital laundry list from the discharge sheet makes me go... oh my god, I need all this? I really, really had not realized how serious it actually was, until I saw that list. I mean, the IOP program, a psychiatrist, a social worker, an outpatient dietician (until I go to IOP) AND a new psychologist besides? The IOP program alone could easily fill 3 days of my week, and is so comprehensive, and then I have all this other shit on top of that. It just really boggles my mind to see that they think I need this much support. I'm still not fully sure what to think of it all.

Time to make some coffee, I suppose. God, it'll be nice to have some good-quality perk coffee. And flavors, no less. Timmies and packets of shitty instant coffee off hospital trays just don't cut it, you know?

Love all y'all.

Dr. C is still not in, so today I get no consult either. On the other hand, at least I have the ability to go off ward with people sometimes. Gotta cancel my dentist appointment for today, though, as I'm not allowed to go alone. Sucks. Oh well.


Later that day:

Got out of hospital today... they basically didn't really help me much in there, aside from a bunch of referrals to OP/IOP stuff. Have an appointment with my psychiatrist and a dietician within the next two weeks, am supposed to make an appointment with my social worker (for counseling) and GP (for ED program), and am getting a referral for a new therapist at T Clinic. Phew!!

The next several weeks should be, er, interesting...

Was really agitated last night... am really irritable and depressed-like this morning. Am listening to angsty music on YouTube now... Evanescence, to be exact. Actually, one of the songs was the one in my signature. I do love that song. The other people in the room didn't really appreciate my angsty rock, but who the fuck cares anyway?? Hahaha.

Supposed to meet with Dr. C today. Dr. Mo has told me twice now, on two separate days, that I will definitely see Dr. C by the end of today, so I'm really hoping it will actually happen. I told them I wasn't safe off the ward yesterday, but I'm going to see about being allowed to go on 20-minute passes if someone is going with me, like if people go out for a smoke or whatever. I don't trust myself alone still, but if I'm with other people I'll have to behave, or they'll call security or whatever on me, which would not be fun. But it might be nice to be able to, you know, go to Tims and buy whatever I want, or buy Diet Pepsi for myself, or blah blah blah. A magazine or a Sudoku book or something, even. Whatever.

Ugh... oh, god, I really am irritable, though. I want to get the fuck out of here so badly. The problem is, I don't think I trust myself for extended periods on the outside... I really don't. So maybe accompanied 20-minute passes would be good for me, so I don't get as fucking stir-crazy. I don't know. All I know is that at this point I basically hate everything and (almost) everyone.

Fmfl, seriously.