102.8 for the last two days. BMI still rests in high 17s. Body doesn't seem to want to lose weight. I guess I can't really blame it. Wants to survive as a biological organism and all.

Have had half a coffee, an apple, and a bottle of caffeine-free Diet Pepsi so far today. Considering a garden salad before class. We will see.

Saw my psychologist today. She offered to call / go to the ED clinic and see where my referral is in terms of getting processed. The people at [clinic] (where I see her) had an orientation with the ED people last week, which I guess is what gave her the idea. She said it didn't seem to her like the wait list was that long, judging by what they said -- certainly not months like I'd been thinking. Here's hoping she's right. Anyway, she's going to get in touch with them if she can, and if she hears anything she's going to email me.

So that's two professionals trying to get hold of the clinic for me... my social worker has been playing phone tag with them for at least 3-4 days. I suppose one of them might get through eventually. Apparently the clinic doesn't yet have a secretary or anything, so any calls, etc, have to be made by the people who work at the clinic themselves. Guess that would also explain why my doctor was late-ish in receiving the proper medical forms from them, etc. They really need to hire a secretary. o.o

Chug chug. *train*

Two days at 103.4. I am a fatass. The only consolation is that I seem to be in the 103s more often now, which maybe means I'm the tiniest bit smaller? But I could just be kidding myself. I suspect that I am.

Have to go to the grocery store after class sometime and buy Draino, and possibly a plunger. My toilet is not working properly -- it won't flush anything solid, and water drains from it only very very slowly. So now there's a bunch of soiled tissue sitting in it. FUCKING FUN. Since I'm 99.9% sure the toilet is fucked because of my b/ps, I'm going to attempt to fix it myself before I call the superintendant, despite the nastiness. I mean, fuck, if I can puke in the toilet, I can sure as hell clean up my messes when I break the thing. Seems only fair.

Getting fed up with my life. Am currently skipping Research Methods, because I'm sure I've learned whatever he's teaching today before, and frankly the lectures bore the hell out of me right now. Not to mention I'm in a horrid mindset, and the thought of spending two hours in class today nearly sent me over the edge. I woke up wanting to binge/cut, which is a great way to start the morning :|. I didn't do either, but that's not much credit to me binge-wise... I simply didn't want to have yet another bag of puke on my hands / in my garbage can. (There's already one in there from last night.)

I'm a dirty nasty fucking bulimic, and I fail at restriction, not to mention life. But I guess I don't really deserve anything else, since I'm essentially willing myself into this downward spiral. Why the fuck do I do this stupid shit to myself?

Yet another set of crossposted entries. Not too many this time.


September 15th, 2009

105.6. WTF OMG. How the FUCK did I become such a fat fucking heifer?

This needs to change. NOW. I don't fucking care anymore. I cannot gain back 2+ lbs in 3 days. This is ridiculous, not to mention disgusting. I will not let it continue. I cannot.

Fuck my life.


In reply to this, a friend wrote: 'How is that disgusting? 105 lbs is nothing, you must be teeny tiny.'


September 15th, 2009 (Part 2)

I am still a size 3/5 in pants, although I do wear a small in shirts. I'm not sure if I'm still a small B or have become an A cup, but either way I still have boobs. And body fat. My friend saw me today and said I looked "rather fit", as I had lost weight and "had color in my cheeks". I mean, come on... I can't be that bad if H is telling me I look athletic and healthy, can I? Really?

I know what you're getting at... I know I'm not objectively "large". It's just that I'm nowhere near truly "small", IMHO, and everything that objective observers say seems to confirm that. If I was REALLY "small", people would look at me and think I was skinny, not fit. They probably wouldn't think I looked healthy, either. Therefore I must not be very small.

I know this logic is stupid. It works in my mind only because I'm completely fucked in the head. And none of my professionals seem to care how fucked in the head I am right now, and none of my friends are qualified to deal with my shit, so why should I care? Why should I try anymore?

The truth is, I don't care as much, and I'm getting tired of trying. It's just that I also get tired of my life being complete shit. So, essentially, I'm stuck. There is no right way out of this. There is no anything. And I am so tired of living nothingness and meaninglessness.


September 16th, 2009

104 today. Well, at least it's not 105.6. Can't say I'm super thrilled about the actual number, though, still.

Had coffee for breakfast, and a big garden salad with light Italian and a bottle of Diet Pepsi for lunch. I would have considered something slightly more substantial for lunch, but it's Formers' Night at M House, meaning they cook supper for everybody. M House is a social support I value dearly, and I know I probably ought to eat a real meal once in awhile, so I'm going. Plus we have choir afterwards, and they're serving food when we're finished practice, which I know I will probably eat unless I eat the M House supper first. Rumor has it the choir food will be KFC... so I'll take a properly balanced meal over grease, thanks. :|

Had an interesting session with psychologist today. Maybe I'll write about it at some point.

Au revoir.


September 18th, 2009

103. BMI: 17.8. Of course, on a doctor's scale I would be higher, so it's still not even close to good enough yet.

B/ped three times last night. I do it at least once a day now. I've had a little extra money, so I've been buying extra random, fun yummies to b/p on, such as the garlic fingers and onion rings I bought last night. Still have half of what I bought left in my fridge. Have a feeling it will get consumed tonight.

I'm weaker, more tired. I slept a ton yesterday & am still tired. It really wouldn't matter how long I slept, I don't think... I would still be just as fatigued. If I want to be less tired I have to eat more -- I know that -- but I simply cannot do that right now. So I will put up with the tired, and whatever else happens. The random shakiness I sometimes get when I tense my hands. The dizziness I get for a few moments when standing. The muscle aches I get now and again. The headaches. All these things are really minor. Hell, I was medically cleared a few weeks ago -- everything was perfect. My body seems to completely resist medical instability, and I don't care anyway, so why the fuck should I worry?

Life goes on, and I trail along behind it.

I feel so... depressed today. Depressed lately. These last 2-3 days, for sure. It's one of those blank depressions where you're content to just sit and stare at the wall for an hour at a time. When almost all your thoughts just stop, and you have no desire to do anything, ever. Where you wish all your bodily functions and needs would cease, so you would never ever have to move, because you're so exhausted, such a shell, that the mere act of moving seems to take a momentous amount of energy. Where somewhere below all the blankness lies an incredible sadness, which if you could access it and let it out might make you cry for hours, cry until you couldn't produce tears any longer. But you never can. So you are blank, empty, miserable, and left wishing someone would just perform a mercy killing and free you from this fog once and for all. Only for some reason everyone seems to want you alive. You can't imagine why.

Yeah... that's exactly what I feel like right now. Even my food issues don't seem to want to bother me so much, although I'm still restricting because it's familiar, not to mention that when I eat a lot of food at once I seem to have trouble digesting it. Just to give an example: I woke up nauseous after about 5-6 hours' sleep last night, because I had eaten onion rings at around 10:30 or 11 PM, but was still burping them up at 6:30 AM (I woke up at around 5:30). So, essentially, they spent all night rotting in my stomach. Not an experience I desire to repeat.

I am mad at, and disappointed with, myself for not dealing with my issues generally. All sorts of people are actually experiencing real recovery, because they're going through all the pain and misery, and sooner or later, slowly or quickly, are coming out the other end. But me... I'm still running. I'm still avoiding, and dodging, and doing whatever I can to put up all the barriers possible so that no one can ever truly get to me. I'm afraid. Actually, I'm terrified. But that's no excuse. All those other people are afraid, too, and yet they're doing it. N was right. I am a coward.

The only good things I can say about life since [around a week ago] is that I have not SIed since then, and my student loan should be in by late next week. Which isn't exactly timely, but at least I'm getting it.

:|

Was 104.0 this morning. I'd say I think my scale is fucked, but it has been fairly accurate so far, especially since I got weighed at the doctor's office and the difference between the scales was exactly what it should have been. I know my system was pretty empty, though, and I've already had food today, so chances are decent that the weight might be up from that tomorrow. Oh well. I know that, pattern-wise, I am losing, so I don't care.

According to my favorite BMI calculator online, and using the height my doctor measured me as (5'3.75" or 162cm, as opposed to the 5'3.5"/161cm I had been thinking I was), my BMI at 104 lbs is exactly 18. Which means, also according to said calculator, that I am underweight. However, this is only according to percentiles, I think, because when I entered my age as 20 instead of 23, the BMI was suddenly listed as "normal" instead of "underweight". Mind fuckery. I'm sure the weight will be low enough to "actually" call myself underweight soon, anyway.

Has a bit of a freakout moment today at the hosp, also... got my EKG done with plenty of confidence, sure it would be perfectly fine, but when I turned my head to the paper afterwards I saw something like "consider abnormal *something*", and then the person who did the EKG said that she was going to have it read, and asked me to wait outside while they faxed it to my doctor. So I got to spend about 30-40 mins or so wondering what the heck was going on with it, wondering if they could possibly keep me there -- and then the person who was at the front desk came out and told me I was free to go, and apologized for the wait. O.o. As one of my Twitter friends suggested, they were probably just being overly cautious, or something. Evidently nothing is seriously wrong, or else they would have told me instead of just allowing me to leave without comment. So whatever. I'm in perfect health. Surprise!!

I have to go now, but I'm sure I'll be on [the forum] later on my phone. That's what I've been doing lately, as I don't get to a computer often these days. That will change next week when school starts, though.

:)

Crossposted from forum.


So I am finally, FINALLY almost done the fucking referral process for the ED clinic. Really, it's become a bit of a pain in the ass. I went to my GP for the third and final time today to do medical shit for the referral... she had to take my blood pressure & pulse both lying down and standing up, take my temperature, order me an EKG, and make sure she had all the necessary bloodwork done. Turns out there are a few fairly minor things she didn't know about, so now I get to go have my arm pricked again as well as a bunch of sticky tabs attached to my chest -.-. She also had to fill out a form the clinic sent her, which included questions about my high, low, and current weight(s), and current height. Her scale read me as 107.5, which is about what I expected; my home scale read 105.4 this morning, and all I'd had before my appointment was a couple of coffees. Actually, I've been liquid fasting for the last two days, aside from a b/p last night, & also took Colace yesterday evening, as I didn't want to look fat on her scale :|. But whatever. The first thing I did when I came home tonight was have oatmeal and baby carrots, so it's not as if I'm uniformly reluctant to eat real food. I was really glad to finally have something solid in me again, actually. But I digress.

All I have to do is go to the hospital, get the EKG and bloodwork done, and wait for the doctor to send my stuff off and then for the ED clinic to get back to me. I don't think there's any worry of not getting accepted - even my blood pressure and pulse were good, which were the only things I was worried might actually be fucked, and in every other way I am apparently the picture of health. My body always seems to really want to stay stable, & to work hard to make that happen, no matter what I do to it. That's a good thing, I guess.

Also, I saw my psychiatrist today for the first time in two months. He was very nonchalant about the news that I was engaging in ED behaviors again. He just thinks it's a symptom, and that I need to explore why this has suddenly come on again - what it's a reaction to, what the "real" reason for it is, etc. Well, duh, I know that. The problem is that all my insight and all my intellectual ability to analyze shit just isn't stopping the symptoms, and the symptoms are getting too bad too fast to ignore right now. He did seem to think the referral to the ED clinic was a good idea, though - said it would help me to manage the symptoms, at least. Not that he spent a lot of time talking about that, either, but whatever. He admitted himself that he doesn't really do eating disorders, so I guess I can't expect much from him in that regard.

In general, though, I'm just taking everything as it comes for now, one day at a time. That's all I seem capable of at this point, so it will have to do. Hopefully this referral won't be too ridiculously slow in coming through, and I can try yet again to get my life back on track. I just can't help wondering how many more tries this is going to take before it actually fucking sticks. :S

Since it doesn't seem like I'm going to be writing separate entries in here anytime soon, and I update my forum thread pretty regularly, it stands to reason that I should probably just keep crossposting those entries instead. So here we go. Starts at the place where my last entry left off.

Could be triggering. Contains numbers and such.


A friend had asked, regarding my last post: 'What do you think made things fall so quickly?'


August 22nd, 2009

I'm not sure, really. I do know I've had a feeling this was coming for a long while now. Something was going to give - something was going to snap - and it happened to be this. It still seems safer to me than a lot of other ways I could have snapped. (Like being actively suicidal, slicing myself to shit, etc.)

Weighed myself today, expecting to have gained water weight due to the water I could feel in my limbs, but it turned out I'd lost weight instead. Go figure. The scale read 109.6. And I can't lie -- I was fucking THRILLED. I've been wanting to break the 110s for like a week now. I knew I'd still been losing weight slowly, but it wasn't enough for me. So today made me really, really happy.

I'm getting more and more into "I want ED" mode and less and less into "this scares me a lot and I really want to change" mode. Seeing the numbers drop actually is making me feel accomplished now. On the other hand, I think I'm becoming much more of a hermit, and I skipped a gathering of my friends last night because I knew there would be a meal there and I'd be expected to eat it. However, right now, at least, I don't seem to mind this at all. Dealing with the outside world all the time seems tiring. Staying to myself seems easier -- less stressful, safer. Plus I still have the option of going out if I feel like it. So whatever.

Also, the doctor's office called me on Thursday... apparently my GP wants to discuss my bloodwork with me? But they made sure to say on the phone with my sister (who relayed the message) that it wasn't urgent, so I dunno what that's all about. Maybe I'm anemic or something. Or maybe she just needs info from me that she doesn't have to fill out my ED clinic referral. I don't know. I had an appointment for Monday, anyway, so I guess I'll find out soon.


So a friend wrote about that entry: 'The fact you can see this this wanting the ED more and recovery less is a sign you CAN change things it's positive to be able to recognise it. But you DO need desperately to change things love... '


August 24th, 2009

R, I do know I need to change things... I am simply at a loss regarding what I could possibly do to change anything without completely losing my mind. I don't know why it feels like that's what would happen, but it does, and it's too pervasive a fear to be able to ignore. :S. I do plan to talk to my psychiatrist about this anxiety and the ED stuff when I see him, though, so maybe he'll try to do something to help. Who knows.

So anyway, I went to the doctor's office today, and it turns out that what was wrong with my bloodwork was that my protein was quite high in my urine. However, she had me give another sample while I was there and she redid the protein level using a testing strip, and this time it came out completely normal. She's going to send it to the lab to confirm the finding, but basically she thinks it was just some weird thing that happened that day for whatever reason. She said the fasting I had to do for the bloodwork may have had something to do with it. *shrug*

Everything else in my bloodwork was completely fine. She did send off the referral, but she expects it will take awhile before I hear from them. She did, however, tell me to make sure I mention it to my psychiatrist, as it's possible he could expedite the process a little more. I can't say I'm ridiculously thrilled at the idea of the referral coming through a lot sooner than expected, but I also know that's the ED talking. I still feel like I have so much more fucking weight to lose to be even remotely small, and I want to be small so so badly. I just do not want anyone to try and take it away from me -- probably because it feels like doing this is the only way I can survive mentally right now.

Ugh. So even while I'm ostensibly trying to get help, I'm clinging to ED with every fiber of my being. I'm not losing weight fast enough, and I hate that. Gatherings with my friends all seem to revolve around fucking food, and I hate that too. There's a birthday supper for my friend tonight at a Thai restaurant, a friend I've been hanging out with a lot lately, and I would really love to celebrate her birthday with her, but I CANNOT handle the thought of all that food getting into me and digesting and making me fat fat fat. Another friend, a friend who I actually met at residential and who has anorexia, invited me out to lunch at [restaurant] tomorrow at around noon, and I don't think I'm going to make it to that one, either. It's a shame, because I LOVE [restaurant] (it's a vegetarian/vegan restaurant, and it's pretty tasty), and I know it's very healthy and would be good for me, but I don't think I can do it. I can't handle the idea that I may only maintain my weight that day because I ate a big fucking meal. You know? I just can't. Fucking. Do it. Why is it so much to ask that I be able to hang out with my friends WITHOUT having to eat gargantuan amounts of food? :(

Blah blah blah.


August 27th, 2009

Have been 108.2 for the last two days. Not good enough. But it's never good enough. I'm just so fucking impatient about finally reaching the double digits... I want to get there NOW. But of course I can't :(. So I just have to make sure my food intake is absolutely, positively NEVER enough to gain, or even maintain, my weight. I simply can't tolerate even weight maintenance right now.

My social worker had to cancel my appointment with me today, also, meaning that I've had zero counseling sessions this week (my psychologist is on vacation for a week). Yesterday SUCKED, and I was really looking forward to getting to talk to my SW and getting some stuff out, but I guess whatever powers there be just want me to go crazy this week. -.- Whatever. I'll survive, I'm sure.

Am weak lately. Think blood pressure's probably getting a bit low. Don't care. I need to keep going. To stop now would be to fail completely and utterly, and I cannot take failure anymore. I WILL succeed.


August 28th, 2009

I am STILL 108.2 today. Totally fucking rotted. I HATE plateaus. Makes me feel like even more of a failure to plateau these days, when I'm trying so fucking hard to lose this goddamned weight.

However, the ED clinic called me today. The person I talked to asked me some questions, including a few about ED behaviors, etc, and then told me about how the rest of the referral process is going to work. She's sending the full information package to my GP on Monday at the latest, so she told me I should make an appointment with my GP for mid to late next week. The GP will need to take my vitals, such as blood pressure lying down & sitting up, etc, and also fill out some questions on a form that I need to be there to answer. The program requires an EKG, and I'm not sure if my hospital scans in March will be recent enough, so my GP might have to send me for a bloody EKG as well as the bloodwork she already did -.-. Anyway, once all those forms go through, and provided I'm still medically stable, they will then call me with a date/time for an orientation to the program. My guess is that it will take 2-3 weeks from today, absolute minimum, for this process to be completed. I've also heard the wait list is decently long for the program, so even once all my info has gone in it might be awhile before I hear from them.

So... I dunno. I'm really really glad I have some breathing room, at least, partially because I still don't exactly feel as though this ED is severe enough for such "intensive" help. I need to lose more weight, and SOON. I'm guessing the GP is going to have to weigh me for the form, and so if my appointment is going to be in, say, another week, I need to lose all the weight I can before then. How can I expect them to take me seriously if I don't even take myself seriously? You know? I basically just feel like a failed restrictor right now because my weight isn't even close to low enough (the bulimic symptoms, of course, don't matter a whit to me). And I do realize, in another part of my brain, that the failed restrictor thing is kind of a sick way to think, but too much of me needs this right now to really give a shit how sick it is. I just need to lose the weight, NOW.

I don't know why this gives me comfort, or makes me feel safe. It just... does. It feels like almost the only thing I have right now. That isn't even logically true, but emotionally it feels more and more that way as time passes. And I couldn't even begin to explain why.


August 29th, 2009

So I was 107.4 this morning... yesssss. I'm so happy to finally break my plateau. I managed to get away with not eating much yesterday, even though I went over to my friend M's for yet another craft night. I flat out told N (my gf) that I wasn't eating the pizza, and I actually did bring my own food with me, but I ended up eating one of N's bananas (at her house) and then at M's N brought me a plate of salad, which I had with ranch. Yeah... she's not happy that I'm losing weight, but she gets the whole ED thing, and knew what I would eat, etc, so I guess she just decided to make it for me. She probably had some idea that I likely wouldn't have even eaten that much if she hadn't brought it to me. :| I also had about three cups of coffee yesterday with milk.

Today I have so far had a cup of coffee with 1% milk, a golden delicious apple, Quaker maple and brown sugar oatmeal, and a coffee with maybe a tbsp each of cream and milk. Well, actually, I'm still working on that last coffee, as I'm sitting in [shop] right now with my friend. [shop] is a great coffee shop we have downtown in my city which also has free wireless, not to mention an awesome atmosphere. I really ought to come here more often.

I am not sure if I actually want to schedule my appointment with my GP for late next week (I may not get it at the specific time I want it, anyway) or if I'll just request to see her on Monday or Tuesday during the week of September 7th. I'm starting to realize that the beginning of school is closing in on me much faster than I expected -- September 9th is the first day of classes -- and I may not actually want to have a doctor's appointment the day or two before I go back to uni. On the other hand, I don't really want an appointment sooner if I can get one that's 3 or 4 days later. You know? Decisions decisions.


August 31st, 2009

Today my weight was 106.2; yesterday it was 106.4. I have been wondering if my scale is fucked up, as today when I stood on it it kept flipping back and forth between two not-even-close numbers before settling on one, and did that a few times. I also didn't think the 2lbs-in-two-days loss was actually accurate, considering my three day plateau before that. But maybe it is. Anyway, I really WANT to believe my scale, so I think I will. Haha. This means that my BMI is, as of right now, 18.5. :D. The last time I had a BMI this low was around October or November of 2006... it's been a fucking LONG time! I have to admit I'm happy to see numbers like that.

Of course, I have no intentions of trying to maintain anytime soon, either. I still look very "normal" to myself. Objectively speaking, I do have a much higher body fat percentage right now than the last time I was at this weight. My boobs are still a small B cup, and I still have fat on my stomach, tops of my thighs, ribcage, and even a bit on my arms. However, the "tags" on the insides of my upper arms have almost completely gone away, which makes me happy. I figure that in another 5-10 lbs I might actually start looking thin. We will see when I get there, I suppose.

Made my doctor's appointment today, as well -- it's on Thursday at 3:10 PM. The ED clinic said the forms would get to her by today at the latest, so they'd better be there when I go for my appointment. I do NOT want to have to spend an hour on the bus for nothing. :@

Okay, so... it's been a million years since I updated this. I guess I should, as a decent bit has happened on the ED front. I've been updating semi-frequently on a forum I'm part of, and it would be easier for me to just crosspost some of those entries instead of writing a comprehensive update here, so I shall do that.

Could be triggering.


July 14th, 2009

I feel myself wavering. I am weak, and ED is strong. I am fat, and ED could make me thinner. I am too much, too wrong, and ED could take away my self -- all the things that make me wrong.

I'm not relapsing, exactly... yet. I think it could happen. I think it wants to happen. I'm not sure yet whether it's going to win and actually have it happen. What I do know is that part of me doesn't really care if it happens or it doesn't, because it believes that life is meaningless anyway, so why not self-destruct as much as I want? But the other part of me knows this is wrong, and knows that once I'm actually eating and getting proper nutrition consistently, a lot of life seems so much better, and I have the potential to be happier.

Maybe all this is just happening because I've been depressed lately. It's certain that my b/p urges get WAY stronger when I'm sad or lonely. I just don't know how to combat this sort of depression. It's the kind I've had off and on since I was 15 years old. How the heck am I supposed to defeat it?


July 24th, 2009

Trying to lose weight again. Last time I weighed myself at gym the scale said 123.2, but that's probably ~2 lbs higher than my home scale would say. I'll have my home scale back in a couple of weeks, anyway, but for now I can live with the gym scale. At least I'll know if I'm losing, even if I don't know my "real" (unclothed morning) weight.

I've been eating at least 800-900 calories a day, anyway (I try to stay around 1000-1100 if I can, although I failed to do so yesterday), and I've been going to the gym. I've gone twice already this week, and I'm planning to go again today right after lunch. Burned 210c Monday and 310c Tuesday. Am hoping for a number similar to Tuesday's today. The workout is a good one: 150c elliptical, 100-110 treadmill, and then 50c rowing machine. I want to work out all parts of my body, so I get generally toned all over. I don't want to be "skinny-fat" again like I was the last time I was a low weight. I want to actually look like I do some exercise. The exercise also lets me eat more calories and still lose weight, which I prefer, since it gives me a clearer head and more energy.

Leaving M House and moving into my new place in 1 week and 6 days. Should be interesting to see what happens when I'm buying my own groceries, and have my days entirely to myself. Hopefully I can at least hold it together enough to have some mental clarity and energy. I guess we shall find out.

Later addendum: I'm losing weight because it's the only thing keeping me sane right now. And I still feel fat. I'm not saying it's 100% healthy, but I NEED it right now, and I'm trying to do it as healthily as possible while still losing the weight I need to lose. It's not going to be possible to do it entirely the healthy way, but I'm doing the best I can at the moment. If that's not good, well, it's not good. I'm not fussy about whether it's objectively good or not atm. *shrug*


July 30th, 2009

Been going to the gym a decent bit lately, and trying to keep my food consumption down as much as possible without being super extreme / having my food restriction noticed by staff. My weight yesterday on gym scale was 121.0, which is okay, but still nowhere near good enough IMO. I still feel fat as hell. I look at myself and see fat fucking ALL over me. Stomach, love handles, thighs... I hate them all. Even my calves and my arms could use improvement.

I just do not like this body that I'm living in -- this weight that I am -- and I have to change it. The time to put it off has passed. It needs to happen now. I told myself so many times that I should try recovery... that I could lose weight later, later, later. Well, "later" is here, and fuck it if no one else likes that. I need this for ME, and I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. Let them say what they like. This is my life, and my body, and I have to live in it, and I'll do whatever the fuck I want. And, well, I'm 23 years old... who can really stop me?


July 31st, 2009

So yesterday more than one person told me I'm starting to look "a little too skinny". Wtf? How the hell is 5'3.5' and around 120 lbs too skinny?? I just can't see it. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I HAVE lost inches these last few weeks, and I can see that; but to me I'm finally, finally starting to look right. I can actually wear some fairly clingy shirts now without feeling like my fat rolls are popping out everywhere. I actually sort of have a waist now. Why is this such a bad thing? Why is it that all of a sudden I'm now "too skinny"?

I just don't fucking get it. The moment I'm small enough to start having a bit more confidence about my own body, people start making comments like this. Seriously... I really can't fucking win, can I?

*heavy sigh*

To this entry, a friend commented: "If these people know your history they're probably just worried about where things are going. Which is fair enough really."


August 1st, 2009

I know one of them knows my history, and I'm about 85% sure the other one does, which made it even more awkward :|. I felt really guilty about it. I still do. The problem is that I can't seem to stop. :S

Weighed myself "officially" today -- my scale is at my new place, and I spent the night there, so this morning I weighed nude, right after I peed. It said 117.4. I should have felt accomplished, or at least some kind of happiness/relief, but I didn't. It almost didn't mean a thing to me. I knew it would be a number like that, so it was a very "meh" kind of moment. I suppose it is validation, at least, that people's concerns are accurate, and maybe my weight is starting to get a little too low for my body type. Again, though, this doesn't seem to stop me.

Like, I just don't know what the fuck it's going to take to stop this shit. I was at the hospital today visiting my friend who's on psychiatry for her anorexia, and I actually saw another girl there who I met at residential who's also there for her anorexia, and it wasn't fun. Actually, neither of them were very happy, and it wasn't hard to tell. I myself have NO desire to be in hospital whatsoever. Yet I know that if I continue to restrict, exercise, lose weight, eventually I might be headed for that myself. So WHY can't I stop? WHY, when all my logic is telling me, "You really need to start eating and maintaining now" am I still clinging to this stupid shit?

The terror of food is coming back, too. I was at my aunt's last night for her retirement party, and it was like torture. I managed to get away with not eating most of what was on my plate, and it didn't look like anyone really noticed, but I can't be sure of that. And when my cousin came over to my sister's friend and told her about all the desserts, I sat for a few seconds more and then fled from the house. I could not stand the thought of eating dessert after having consumed all that unwanted supper food. I know it wasn't "that much" food objectively speaking, but it seemed like massive towering piles to me. I was just completely and utterly afraid.

WHY is this happening? Fuck me. Seriously.


August 4th, 2009

So I saw my GP today, and she's referring me to the ED clinic and also sending me for bloodwork. The slip had about a million items written on it. I remember offhand that they included CBC, blood sugars (as I have to fast from midnight) and some sort of urine thing. Urinalysis = fun times??

My weight on Sunday, at home, was 116.4. Weight @ gym was 119.6. I think this is a decent indication that my scale at home actually is calibrated right, despite the assertions I've made in my head to the contrary. Time to face up to facts: I'm losing weight, and I'm only about 9 lbs from my lowest maintained weight. What. The. Fuck.

Anyway, I guess it's not making any difference what I objectively weigh / look like, since I'm still planning for restriction. Had coffee & water for breakfast this morning, and it looks like water & gum is going to be my lunch. I'm purposely spending an hour at the library before going back to M House instead of going on the 11:00 bus, because I can say my appointment ran late (I said before I left that it might) and then I don't have to eat lunch at the house. I am fucking pathetic. And this is fucking pathetic.


August 12th, 2009

Weight today was 113.6. I've only eaten 140 food cals (20 more from cream in coffee), and as a result I'm freezingly cold and vaguely weak right now. Oddly, I don't feel that hungry, but I will probably also end up eating later and purging. Lately I've been doing that semi-regularly :S. I don't binge, per se... I just eat a large portion of something and then purge it. I don't even want to full-on binge lately... I just want to eat, but I can't tolerate the thought that I'll gain any weight from it whatsoever, so I purge afterwards.

Haven't heard a thing from my GP yet. As I got my bloodwork done Friday, and it's been three work days for her since then, I can only assume this means everything checked out just fine, as I knew it would. I'm nowhere close to medically unstable at this point. Part of me is glad for that, but at the same time it also makes me feel fairly pathetic. How can I call this any sort of a real eating disorder when my BMI is still normal, and I still function okay, and absolutely nothing is actually physically wrong with me?

I don't know. This shit is starting to warp and twist my brain until I have no idea what's real and what isn't. The only thing I know for certain at this point is that I don't have a choice anymore. It simply causes me too much anxiety to even try to eat maintenance cals, much less gain any weight. Even typing that freaked me out. I am way too fat and I need to loseloselose. Fatty McFatty. -.-


August 16th, 2009

I am doing really fucking badly. 111.6 today. No signs that I'm going to be able to give up losing weight anytime soon. Today I've had a coffee with milk and sweetener, a 100-calorie mini golden Oreo cakesters pack, an apple, and oatmeal made with water. Writing that out makes it seem like I've had SO MUCH food, but it all adds up to less than 400 calories. And even that seems like a massive number to ED brain.

My mindset seems to be deteriorating rather quickly. This whole thing is starting to scare me. What the fuck is going to happen to me?

No word from doctor, or people from ED clinic who are supposed to call once the referral goes through. Gotta make an appointment with the doctor about something else, anyway, so within the next week or two I'll see her and find out what's up with it. I could really use more ED support than I have right now. Which is basically zero.

Oh, yeah, and I'm back to purging again. It started off with only eating and purging, but lately it's turned into more "real" binges. It seems to fill some other need that pure restricting does not. I still don't want to do it super often, but I seem to be doing it at least every other day now. Have done it 2x/day at least a few times.

Falling.

Crossposted from another site.


So I've been home for... what, nine hours? Less? And I've already b/ped. I'm here on a weekend pass, catsitting, as my family is out of town until Monday. I had a feeling that coming here was just going to unleash me in terms of b/ping, and so far that seems to be true.

Thing is, I know I could probably call M House and talk with whatever counselor is in now -- tell them I'm struggling, talk for awhile. But what would I say? That I feel sad, that I hate myself, that I wish I could be anyone but me, that I wish I could escape this stupid life? What good would telling them do? I mean, maybe calling would alleviate some of my loneliness, but part of the problem is that apparently I can't be by myself for several hours without doing something self-destructive, and it seems kind of ironic/counterproductive to call and have them attempt to bail me out of my own self again.

I have been suspecting that once I left M House I'd probably end up on the relapse train, and this only makes me suspect it even more strongly. I just don't know how to stop the train so it doesn't end up making a big fucking trainwreck yet again.

Googlism is hilarious. But sometimes strikingly true.


anorexia is phat
anorexia is socially acceptable suicide
anorexia is difficult
anorexia is no thin matter
anorexia is not an indication that parents have gone wrong in raising their children
anorexia is the kind of thing that you just have to deal with
anorexia is not your friend anorexia is not your lover anorexia is not your escape anorexia is not your freedom anorexia is not your happiness anorexia is not
anorexia is one of the best ways to recover
anorexia is a condition where the cavy refuses to eat -- ?
anorexia is one of the few psychiatric disorders that can lead to death -- if by "few" you mean "almost all", then yes.
anorexia is still in the pioneer stage
anorexia is possible but it takes many years
anorexia is my creed my whole and restrained existence is one great painful trim
anorexia is dus een psychisch / emotionele aandoening


bulimia is a self
bulimia is its secrecy
bulimia is an act of disgust and an act of need
bulimia is in a no
bulimia is not about intelligence or logic
bulimia is simple; anorexics starve themselves
bulimia is latin
bulimia is not a pretty disease
bulimia is usually average


ednos is absolute nothingness
ednos is used for chronic dieters who purge what is considered by them to be “fattening” foods -- that's the only kind of ednos, obviously.


This one is pretty funny:


purging is safe?
purging is ineffective because it denies the attraction of crossdressing
purging is a powerful new tool for containing attacks before they cripple your network
purging is distributed among many simpletons
purging is completed in about 5~8 min
purging is accomplished in two steps
purging is not essential to the diagnosis
purging is allowed and
purging is the key to a trouble
purging is associated with health
purging is based upon an arbitrary volume
purging is the only way
purging is not included
purging is required
purging is our only business
purging is stopped both plungers are moved to the full forward position for head removal or
purging is accomplished by self
purging is postponed for about thirty minutes after drinking a large amount of water
purging is to place in fresh water where the worms will defecate
purging is too expensive and troublesome in most cases


Annnd:

binging is fun
binging is your enemy
binging is caused by distorted positive thoughts
binging is defined as explosive
binging is anything more than 3 glasses of wine in one sitting
binging is normal? i'm so confused
binging is more 'acceptable' in the dark
binging is a little bent but not bad at all
binging is good for the soul; exploding cigar exploding cigar
binging is out for liver lovers
binging is to avoid food for the entire day
binging is associated with increased risk of death
binging is not in fact recommended -- you don't say.
binging is becoming the weekend warrior's self
binging is so popular that stephen wallace


I'm done for now.

Written on the 12th on another website.


Home scale yesterday said 122.2. Fucking nuts. I cannot believe I am that small. It's difficult to imagine that I'm actually only 2 lbs heavier than my long term healthy goal weight. Whaaaaat.

Problem is, I don't feel like I've lost half the weight I actually want to lose. I still look at myself and see fat everywhere. I figure I'd need at least 10-15 more lbs to actually be small, to start with. I also feel like there's a part of me, hanging out in the back of my brain, that doesn't necessarily want to stop. That just wants to get smaller and smaller and smaller indefinitely. I guess that would be the anorexic bitch who still lives in there, despite the fact that I haven't truly given in to her for a very very long time. She's waiting for her comeback chance, and is willing to be patient, and lose weight slowly for now, so that she doesn't actually get stamped out. Biding her time.

I'm afraid that she's never going to go away. I'm afraid of her going away. Ambivalence. Turns out that one of my major obstacles to recovery is this bloody ambivalence, which seems to exist in every part of my life, not just ED, and I suspect that its resolution may take a long time. I am in a place where I am semi-safe and do eat at least enough to function right now, but I won't always be here. Will the ambivalence get resolved enough before I leave M House that I don't fall right back into ED? Or will I leave and start my downward spiral again?

Uncertainty.

So today I went to the Y for the first time, and when I went into the locker room I found... a scale. I POUNCED on it, because I haven't seen a scale in weeks. I weighed myself first with my hoodie & shoes, and the scale said something like 127. However, with shoes and sweatshirt off, it said I was 124.2. O.o. I hardly believe it, honestly. I mean, I still had my gym pants, t-shirt and undergarments on, and I had eaten that day, and it says 124.2? I suspect it might be a bunch of bullshit. I'm going to weigh myself when I go home tomorrow, on the scale I trust, so I'll be able to tell then how accurate my weigh-in was today.

I'm excited about the prospect of regular access to a scale, though, nonetheless. I might start going to the Y at least 2-3 times a week, as long as my energy keeps up. I mean, I can go anytime it's open and not pay a cent, and it's about a 10 or 15-minute walk from the house. What's there to lose, really? I just have to try not to let the weight and calories aspect of the whole thing consume me. I don't know if I can do that, but we'll see, I guess.

I had forgotten the way binging feels -- the sticky warmth of it, the way I feel like a failure for having so much food in me in the first place. Not that I always used to feel like a failure for binging. Right now I don't mind purging at all, but lately I hate anything and everything to do with binges. The anticipation, the rush, the frank enjoyment of the food... they're just not there anymore. I mean, I like the way the food tastes or whatever, but I don't *relish* it the way I used to. It's really fucking odd for me not to enjoy a binge.

I don't know what else to write.

Today I weighed myself for the first time in weeks and was a little afraid of what I'd see... but the scale again read 125.4. What's more, I had food/water weight in me at the time, which means I probably lost like... a pound since last weigh-in. I think that's fairly awesome, considering I haven't been doing much towards losing any weight lately.

One of my pairs of size 30 jeans (the loosest ones) are also starting to get a teeny bit looser on me, and I'm also a little bit closer to making the 11th notch on my belt. I can actually do it UP now, at least, whereas before the belt simply would not stretch to 11.

W00t.

[but i still want more.]

I'm beginning to seriously debate whether I want to stay at M House anymore. Actually, "want" isn't even the right word. It's not so much a matter of whether I want to as of whether I am actually able to. At this point, there are times when it's hard to see what end is up, let alone figure out whether I can ultimately handle dealing with my issues here.

The biggest problem is that there are issues cropping up for me now that I'm not sure I even want to talk about here, in large part because it kind of involves people here, and it's so stupid and ridiculous that I already feel like an idiot for making such a big deal about it. But I'm not even as afraid of seeming like an idiot as I am of them finding out about this shit. Cognitive distortions: because *I* can't handle it, I assume no one else is going to be able to either. Or, at least, I assume they can't handle it here. Maybe someone who's actually trained to handle this shit can handle it. Which is my way of saying I'm thinking of trying to discuss it with my psychologist, but don't want to talk to anyone else about it, aside from maybe M or A. But I feel like I can't deal with anything else until I deal with this, and since I can't talk about it at M House (according to me), it basically fucks everything up for me here until it is resolved. Which may take weeks, months, even years. I just don't fucking know.

I feel like this entry is super disorganized. Is it? I feel like even in talking about this stuff here my brain is flying around all over the place. I am irritable and edgy and getting harder and harder to live with or have a productive conversation about my "issues" with, and if I'm being honest, I can't see the end in sight to this shit. I'm tired of not being able to mute myself out with my "negative coping mechanisms", tired of my completely ridiculous mood swings lately, tired of obsessing about suicide because I lack any other way of dealing with my horribly intense feelings. I'm just tired of all of it. I want out, NOW. Only I can't get out.

I wonder how I lived through 2006, feeling like this. Because I know that this is how I felt basically all the time. I guess it's true that I did try pretty hard not to live through it. I wanted someone to shut off my brain, to take all this dysphoria and pain away from me, and no one could do it, and I simply could not control myself. Eventually, though, I discovered ED, which led to being able to mute all the intense feelings I couldn't deal with or control, but also led to a whole host of other shit. And, now, trying to recover from all the behaviors has just led straight the fuck back to THIS. All this shit I never wanted to feel or have to deal with ever again. And I still can't deal with it.

So now I'm left with wonderful options. Stay here, and try to deal with the undealable, or leave, and jump right back into disorders. Which option is better? Which option is worse? Can I find some happy medium where I self-destruct just enough to deal, until such time as I can actually confront the real issues? Is that even possible for me?

I'm so confused and fucked up. And sometimes I'm afraid I really do need to stick the adverb "hopelessly" in that sentence.

What do you do when you have no fucking idea what to do??