I'm on the short stay unit now. There are only three people here, and two of us came in last night. (The unit holds 7 people total.) Merry Christmas to us all, I guess. I'm pretty sure they left my purse at the assessment unit, but they're being really slow about calling back about it. I want some lip chap / lipgloss, and also money for Diet Pepsi if I can get it, and this phone needs to be fully charged. I am not eating today, of course. After that fiasco of yesterday??? Yeah fucking RIGHT. No food for me. Coffee, water, and diet soda. That's it.

I'm tired, and yet bored. There's not very much to do here so far. I think this phone is going to end up being my life line.

My friend called 911 on me tonight, so here I sit, waiting to get assessed, and probably admitted to fucking short stay.

I fucking hate my fucking life.

On my forum thread, a friend said: "what happened to treatment? what did your GP say?" (I had been vaguely considering actually doing something about the bulimia)


I told my GP I was still binging and purging, and that I couldn't stop, and that I didn't know what to do anymore. And she said... nothing. Except to just keep trying. Which just basically showed me that I'm clearly not in any sort of crisis, therefore I don't need treatment at this point. I felt that asking about treatment after what I said, and her reaction, would just be basically whining for "extra" that I didn't really "require", and so I didn't bother.

But it's okay, because I am so fucking done with life it's not even funny. I don't care if I can keep my job long-term, or if I ever go back to school full-time, or anything. I don't want to do anything except what I have newly planned to do. And so I am going to do it.

It's Christmas Eve, and I wish I could say that I've enjoyed it as much as other years, but that would simply not be true. My aunt's gathering was an exercise in "how little can I eat and still look normal?" with a little bit of "fuck, I didn't have to eat THAT" and "why did I eat so much of that??". I ate, literally, 60 calories before going to her house, not counting the milk in my two half coffees (max 20 cals), and by the time I was done like 4 hours of work I was really tired and cranky and just wanted to go home, and I've had a couple of significant downswings today, mostly related to my sister's completely inane yelling about extremely stupid shit. Seeing my family was good, and talking with a couple of my cousins that I haven't really talked with, and getting presents... but overall, this day really hasn't been so great. And I'm not expecting too much more from the next couple of days.

The only, and I do mean the ONLY, reason I'm surviving right now is because I'm also self-destructing. Literally nothing else is keeping me alive.

I've just... given up.

Merry Christmas.

113.6.

I am so fucking sick of everything. Life sucks and then you die.

So I haven't purged in like 2 days... but my weight today was 116.8, and I feel hideously fat and disgusting, even though at the same time I think I can see a little more definition and a little less fat throughout my middle, etc. I may be imagining that last part, though.

I just... I dunno anymore. I can't decide if I'm fat or not, if I'm bulimic or not, if I'm a restrictor or not. I don't know if I even have the right to call myself eating disordered, when I can eat so much fucking food and be okay with it, and even enjoy it, most of the time. It's like the part of me that thinks I'm disgusting and huge, and the part of me that eats, are two totally different parts, and I can't make one connect with the other. If there was some way I could think of to drop loads of weight without having to stop eating and keeping in meals, I would do it. I've thought of diet pills, laxatives, diuretics, the whole she-bang, and I can't think of a damned thing that I personally could get my hands on that would allow me to do what I want to do.

So... I try to at least control my food somewhat, and I exercise. I want to go to the gym 4-5 times a week, if I can manage it. I want to make sure I can't get fat, even if I have to build up some muscle mass (and therefore not lose weight on the scale) to do it. Of course, today when I was at the gym the flu hit me fairly hard, so I had to stop my workout basically right in the middle, which I was pissed about. So chances are I can't even go in the next few days anyway -- AND I ate like the stupid pig I am tonight. A huge bowl of ice cream with syrup and two packs of Smarties, among other things. I did want the food, and I liked it, but... the mental consequences of eating like that, for me, are not exactly pleasant.

I fucking fail at everything.

I feel ED's pull... its band of control gets tighter and tighter, little by little. I'm not taking a big leap off a cliff this time -- its progress is gradual. But I know it's progressing. Thing is, I don't know how to stop it, or if I even can. I basically feel helpless. I have to do what it says, because I can't live if I don't.

My brain is telling me: Eat less. If you do eat, work out. Get rid of the food. Whatever way you have to do that is okay in my books. Sure, diuretics won't make you lose weight, but dehydration is a great way to punish yourself. Laxatives are cool too, if you can ever find a day when you don't have to work and you can take them. You need to lose weight, you fucking fatass, so you'd better fucking do something about it, or be a lardy disgrace forever. You have too many jiggly parts... get rid of them. Get rid of them NOW.

And it just keeps going on in that vein. Forever and a day, it seems. And I am getting stricter in my routines. Seems to be becoming: Have coffee for breakfast (cream is allowed, because it's yummy cream). Go to work. Nibble at work (that's allowed too); have a healthy break (only healthy is allowed). Usually this consists of burger on whole wheat, a container of full-fat yogurt, and a fruit serving. Nibble more if you like. Drink at least a liter of diet root beer on shift, because you're thirsty / want to. Pee a bazillion times. Get home from work, (or from my workout, which I've eaten a carb before), try to eat something healthy, crave horribly unhealthy foods, binge, purge. Then usually I end up eating something before bed, because I can't stand being as hungry as I get.

I just... I dunno. I don't know how to stop this. It's just... my life. My brain. And it just keeps going.

Weighed in at 115.6 today, which makes me happy. I'm glad my true weight isn't actually 117. I was having a really hard time trying to deal with the fact that I was bigger than I was comfortable with. At this weight, at least, I feel slightly more secure, slightly less "fat". I just really really hate the idea of being much above 115. I don't know what it is, exactly, other than that 117 is too close for comfort to 120, which is a number I never ever ever ever want to see again. I would feel absolutely, disgustingly, hideously fat at 120. I don't know why, really. I just know I can never ever fucking get back there again, or risk just trying to off myself right there and then because I truly cannot deal with being that large.

Also, I guess I have a confession to make... I haven't been managing my three meals a day, or at least not in any proper way. What had been happening was that I would eat breakfast and lunch (lunch during work), eat my carb before and after a workout, go home. Then I would make and eat supper, but still be hungry, and be craving chocolate and shit, so I would end up eating too much, then having to purge. And, of course, some of supper would come back up as well . I have been eating something smaller late at night... usually carbs... but I know I'm probably not getting in the proper post-workout protein because of the purging. I'm truly at a loss about how to stop it, though. I can't eat more during the day -- I'm eating quite enough already -- and I can't seem to resist the night cravings. And I have a feeling this is not going to positively impact my muscle recovery and growth. *sigh*

I dunno. I've actually been vaguely, really considering Homewood again lately. It's the only place in the country that I know of that has a residential program for bulimia, which is what I know I would need if I wanted to kick this thing and get truly, 100% healthy. I never seriously considered doing a program solely for my bulimia before -- it was always restriction I wanted to get rid of -- but, as I said in a previous entry, the thought has been entering my head lately that maybe, MAYBE, I should try to kick bulimia too. I just know that I'd never be able to stick to it on my own, because the emotional consequences of not b/ping, or semi-restricting, would be far too great for me to be able to handle on my own. Which is why maaaaaybe Homewood would be a good idea.

For now, though, this is just an idea I am tossing around. I'm definitely not going to ask anybody for a referral. Even though I'm thinking more along the lines of recovery lately, I still don't see my situation as medically, or even psychologically, serious. It's probably stupid to wait till I get to a less stable, more breakdown-like place to apply for a program, but it seems that that is basically what I'm doing. Oh well. I simply do not have enough motivation to pick up and leave everything and fly halfway across the country for two months right now. I mean, that's a BIG change/upheaval. Who would take care of my cat? How could I pay my rent? And how the heck would I tell my coworkers that seemingly stable, happy Niika actually has a very annoying problem with binging and puking, and is going to fly away to live in a hospital for nine weeks?

So yeah... no. It's not going to happen now. But maybe, someday, it will... or maybe someday it will have to. Either way, maybe I'll be more receptive to that if or when the time comes.

Breakfast: Two scrambled eggs, two slices of whole wheat toast with jam (one strawberry, one blueberry), and my coffee with insanely yummy creamer (dulce de leche :D). Also will have caffeine-free Diet Pepsi to take pills with.

I don't have time to go into a lot of detail right now, but the personal training session prodded me into making a fresh attempt at eating healthily, including more protein, and going to the gym regularly. I basically admitted my eating disorder to the personal trainer... who, as it turned out, had been bulimic herself at one point. Just having an understanding ear, and someone who actually believed the bulimia was a problem that I needed to overcome, seemed to make me actually feel guilty for the shit I do to myself, and made me actually feel like I should try and be healthier.

So I'm attempting to eat three meals a day, and trying to get in more protein, like I said, because she told me that the reason I probably had all the muscle aches before was that I wasn't getting enough protein. Her advice was to eat 1 starch/carb half an hour before a workout and half an hour after, and within 1-2 hours of finishing the workout I should have protein. Other than that, a normal, balanced diet would obviously apply. I'm even trying to eat some fruits and veg, which for me lately is just crazy, because I've been totally skipping both, aside from lettuce and tomato on burgers at work. I didn't have fruit or anything at breakfast today, but I ate a LOT for me for breakfast, and it was healthy stuff, so I'm feeling pretty pleased about breakfast generally. I'm not going to beat myself up about not doing it "perfectly", either, because I know this isn't all going to happen in a day, and if I expect it to I'm only setting myself up to fail. And the idea here is to have balance, but also some leeway. So if I want to have some junk as a dessert, or I want to go out for a meal, or whatever, I can do that. But overall, in a general sense, I do need to try and be healthier. So I'm going to try.

I don't know my weight atm and... well, it's not that I don't care, exactly, but that I'm trying not to pay attention. With healthy eating and good exercise I should get quite fit, even if I don't lose any body fat (I didn't last time I worked out regularly), so I shouldn't need to know a specific weight. I guesstimated 117 for the gym machines yesterday. I might get on the scale now and again to see how I'm doing overall, but I'm going to try NOT to let the number freak me out. We'll see if that works, but....... I'm going to try? :S

I am disgusted with myself. Somehow I made it back up to 117 again... I have no idea how I gained 2-3 lbs in like a week. (I ate more, yes, but not enough for THAT kind of weight gain.) I'm a fucking fatass, and I seem extremely unmotivated to get my act together and just stop fucking eating shitty foods. I'm disgusted with myself because apparently I want to remain this weight, given my gluttony and relatively apathetic attitude. Of course, a part of me obviously still cares a bit, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this... but it's just that usual critical aspect of myself, not my "real" self too. At least, I don't think it is.

The point is, I'm a fat fuck who seemingly won't stop being a fat fuck. I think I have every right to be disgusted with myself.

Today I'm doing a personal training session at my gym... although she called it a "personal health profile". I'm pretty sure she'll be doing a few fitness tests on me, and she said something about measurements and stuff... so, basically, I get to see just how fat and weak I actually am. Well, at least I'll know, with solid evidence, how I'm really doing, instead of playing a lot of guessing games.

God, I'm negative today.

114.0 today... which quite frankly AMAZES me, since I ended up eating and keeping in a bit of food yesterday (some chips and dip) and had other calories besides. I wonder if my very very long sleep last night had something to do with it. Whatever. I'll take it!!

I was just looking at my weight graph on MyPlate (on the Livestrong site), and I was going to post it somewhere else anyway, so I thought maybe I would post it here as well. I bet every damn bulimic on the planet would have a weight graph that looks as crazy and zigzagged as this one... bulimics, as many of you probably know, can drop and gain weight like crazy. As it goes, in fact, I would imagine this sort of graph is pretty typical of your average bulimic.



So there you can see my low maintained weight of late August to mid September... my weight spike to 113 lbs when I started going to the gym and gaining a bit of muscle weight... and then the lack of weighing myself at all when I stopped going to the gym and started comfort eating, only to top out at 117.4 on October 21st. Which, of course, is when I decided I HAD to do something about it. I've lost quite gradually since then... an average of maybe a pound a week? But at least I've lost. And I haven't been completely starving myself, comparatively speaking, which I guess is sort of an improvement in one way, though another part of me really fucking hates it because I clearly have no willpower if I can't lose faster, and blah blah fucking blah. Lots of ED bullshit. You know.

So, basically, my weight has been a nice zigzag since then, because gradual weight loss doesn't show up right away, so you can gain a pound of water weight here or lose a real half a pound there, and it takes viewing the trend to actually see the weight loss consistently. It was only upon viewing that graph that I realized the 114.0 is probably accurate, given the weight loss trend that's been happening so far, and all those spikes upward were probably water or poop weight or some crap. I AM losing, though it's not exactly as fast as I'd like it to be. On the other hand, I have some energy, and am not totally 100% ED-crazy at the moment, so maybe it has its benefits.

I do not want to digest solid food for the next two days. If I do eat solid foods, I must purge. But ideally I will not eat solid foods at all.

So far I've had Diet Pepsi, half a large coffee with 3 milk, and a medium French vanilla cappuccino. So it's not like I haven't had any calories... I'm just not eating "real" food.

I really, honestly feel like I could continue this indefinitely right now. Just... not eat. Or if I do, purge. I've purged at work several times now, and so far nobody's even come into the bathroom when I've done it. I can do it quickly, and silently. So far, nobody at work even suspects anything, because I've made it a habit to go to the bathroom at the end of breaks anyway, so it doesn't look any different to them. My other option is to just leave the store during break, bring my lunch container with some diet soda or something in it, or just say I'm getting Tims, and not even have to purge. There are so many ways around eating, honestly. It's only a matter of which I prefer to do.

It's strange how quickly this got bad. After I had to call the ambulance on [my friend who ODed], it was like all my anxiety just started nagging at me, and I started feeling worse at times than I had been, and I guess it hit me that good spurts in one's life don't last forever... eventually things always start getting shaken up again. And after I realized that, it was easy to just fall back into old habits, old routines. It was easy, so easy, to want to lose weight again, to want to not eat, to want to pursue ED to the fullest.

I guess I'm just fucked up. Whatever.

BMed from the lax last night, and woke up to 115.2 :D :D. I am so glad the weight "gain" wasn't actually real weight. I also now have some assurances that what I'm doing is working, which pleases me, as hopefully I can keep this routine, or something similar, going for quite awhile. My work pants don't quite fit yet, but they're not hideously tight like they were several weeks ago, so I'm decently pleased with my progress. Just gotta keep it going. Ya know.

Watching movies and/or reading tonight... I bought 30 blank DVDs and jewel cases within the last week or so, and have been using my Internet-less computer to burn off some movies. As it happens, so far they've all been children's or Disney movies . A few of them were duds, so I've had to burn them off again, but whatever :/. So far I've burned and watched Pokemon: The First Movie, Finding Nemo, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, and now I'm watching Beauty and the Beast. Am currently burning off Matilda... hopefully that will be done very soon after I finish watching Beauty and the Beast. :)

Love you all!!

I was 116.6 today... I so faaat :(. I have no idea how it's even possible for me to have gained ANYthing on what I'm eating. Maybe it's water/poo weight? I guess we'll see once the laxatives I took an hour or 2 ago take effect... ought to be either sometime during the night or early in the day tomorrow. I can't wait to get flushed out. I feel fat as fucking hell, what with the gain, and the shit I ate today, and all the b/ping, and all the rest of it. Ugh. I'm so sick of being a FATASS. :/

Nothing else to really report. Just fat fat fat fat fat.

Keep forgetting to weigh myself... meh. My intake yesterday was "good", by which I mean I didn't keep in too much food... under 1000 cals, I think/hope. I did purge three times, though :/. Ah well.

Today I have so far had a veggie ciabatta sandwich from Mega Wraps, which was only $3.99 and REALLY good. I'd estimate that at about 500 cals (huge bread, cheese, mayo, blah blah). I plan to have a Luna bar (180) for break at work, and that's all I want to keep in today. Chances are decent that I'll end up b/ping tonight, but whatever. I don't care anymore. If that's the only way I can stick to losing weight, that's what I'm going to have to do. All I care about, food-wise, right now is whether I'm losing weight. The rest of it can get shot to hell, and it really doesn't matter to me, sadly.

I just want to be thin again. Thin thin thin.

In other news, R is coming to my house Monday morning (I hope) to install my Internet and cable ^_^. I'm getting a digital cable box for my living room, and just regular cable in my bedroom. The whole thing, taxes in, is going to cost me about $71 a month, according to the R guy. So it's pretty good, actually. About the same as I would have paid with the student rate thing, even though it's not technically any sort of student rate, but rather a "bundle". Whatever. As long as it works, I don't care. Heh.

Oh, yes, and I should probably mention that I went to the psychiatrist today. The appointment itself was fine -- meds are the same -- but I mentioned that I have a lot of really random bruises on my body, and asked him if maybe the prescriptions I'm on could be doing it. He didn't think so, and apparently I don't take enough ibuprofen that it should thin my blood enough to account for the bruises, so he wrote me a slip for some basic bloodwork (CBC, iron, B12, thyroid, and some clotting factor thing) and told me I should make an appointment with my GP, as apparently she can do more extensive platelet testing. It seems most likely that I'm anemic, but then again I've thought in the past that I might be anemic, only to have my hemoglobin, iron, and B12 all come out fine. The other most likely possibility is that something is wrong with my platelet count, and if that's the case any number of things could be wrong. I'm really hoping it's nothing... but I guess I'll find out. o.o

Peace out.

I have been eating waaay too much these last several days. I was down to 115.8, but with my luck I'm up again from all the stupid eating I've done. I should probably weigh myself tomorrow to check on it.

Moved into my new two-bedroom apartment on Sunday. It's lovely and spacious, and I have a whole basement (three rooms) on top of a regular apartment upstairs. It's RIGHT across the road from the university, and as such is close to bus routes to basically anywhere in the city, and the area itself is lovely -- nice properties, lots of trees, etc. AND my rent is basically the same as it used to be, except that cable isn't included anymore. Oh well. I plan to call R within the next couple of days and begin the process for getting cable and wireless Internet installed, as they have a student deal... $59.98 a month for both.

My hand is cramped (am on my phone to write this) so I must be off. Love you all. <3