Had another fucking slip last night... had a mini binge, and then purged. I decided I really REALLY wanted some Kraft Dinner last night, so I started making it, but maybe halfway through it cooking figured out I wasn't actually hungry. Rather than just not eating it, though, I was craving it so badly that I had a rather large bowl. After that I couldn't get the thought of b/ping out of my head, especially because I had (stupidly) gone and read the Purgatorium on LJ (a bulimia community), and it made me remember all the comfort and fun I used to get out of bulimia, and it really made me miss it. So both of those things combined with feeling lonely and kind of hating my life lead me to eat the rest of the box of KD, and then purge.

Of course, after I did it I felt like complete shit about myself, and got really pessimistic about my ability to actually stay in recovery once I leave M House. However, the rational part of me can see some things that I can change in the future so I don't find myself in this situation again, such as actually taking all the KD out of my house (since it was a binge food, and I have at least 7-8 boxes in my cupboard), making sure I have no other triggering foods in my house (like the bunch of chocolate my sister brought to me from my mom for Easter), not going on sites like the Purg, etc. So... I don't know. Part of me really really REALLY wants to b/p again, because that addict in me wants it so fucking badly, but the other part of me is planning what I can do so I don't slip again, or at least not in the same way. I guess I just... don't get my mind right now.

I need to actually think, and write, in detail about all the things I fear happening once I leave M House, and all the things that are bothering me lately. Once I do that I may be able to think of solutions that just aren't coming to me with it all swimming around in my head, popping in and out seemingly randomly. I just wish writing about my life and what bothers me was easier.

There are times when I really, really hate recovery. Unfortunately, this is one of them emoticon. But I have to keep going on.... I can't NOT go on. This is my life, and if I don't work at making it better, and keep myself on track generally, nobody else is going to. And that's the shittiest part of all about it. I don't get a break, and I can't have one, because recovery is not just something I can enter and leave whenever... it is built into my LIFE, and that is an inherent trait about it. I literally cannot escape it, much as I may want to sometimes. And I am definitely itching to escape it lately.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Eating's back on track a little more today... I did skip breakfast, aside from a coffee, but after supper I was able to allow myself a couple extra slices of toast w/ marg & jam, which mostly made up for the calories. Everything else was fairly "normal" (as in, on my usual eating schedule). I'm pretty much okay with this, for now... I just hope it lasts. I really do hope so.

Now if I could figure out why it is I feel so dysphoric or anxious or down when I do, and could work on it... that would be wonderful. *sigh*

Okay, so... up until a few days ago, I was doing really really well. Like extraordinarily well. But in the last couple of days my mindset has started to slip a bit. I had the experience of a renewed intensity in my belief about being fat, being horribly disproportionate, having a ridiculously fatty and bulgy midsection, etc etc. This in turn has led to a lot of self-hatred, which I think is what's been leading me into the more volatile, negative moods I've been having.

It didn't manage to creep into my eating patterns until today, though. Today's breakfast was not the usual (a large bowl of higher-calorie cereal with soymilk and a coffee with creamer) because I had no cereal I wanted to eat in my apartment (I'm home on an overnight pass); instead of it was a bowl of oatmeal, a slice of ww toast with peanut butter, and about half a coffee with almond milk. Calorically, this is at least 100-200 calories less than what I usually have for breakfast. Then I delayed snack by at least an hour... though I did have a fairly normal-sized snack, as calorically it was about the same as my usual snacks. However, my supper was missing any fruit or veg exchanges (I usually have at least 1-2), and I don't have any desserts here, either, so I didn't eat dessert. And now it's around when I would usually have snack if I was hungry (I am), but for some reason I'm not letting myself have anything.

I just... I don't understand why I'm being so stupid. I KNOW I need to eat, and I know it's incredibly ridiculous, not to mention dangerous, not to eat all my exchanges, especially when my hunger cues are still not fully operational yet. (I do generally know when I am hungry [though not always], but it's a very rapidly onsetting hunger, and if I leave it alone for more than half an hour or so I get really weak and fuzzy-brained and stuff.) Physically, I feel rather crappy at the moment, since I DO feel fairly weak and fuzzy-brained. And yet... I can't challenge it right now, or maybe am choosing not to, because the emotional fallout and anxiety from forcing myself to eat more would be more than I can handle right now. I self-injured the other night, and it was because I hated myself so much, and felt so awful, that I felt like I deserved it, and needed to do it. I don't like that horribly intense, destructive headspace, and I can't deal with it alone... and right now I guess I don't feel like the staff at M House could do enough for me to keep it at bay right now. I feel like even with their support (talking to them, etc) I would not be able to get rid of this thing, or properly fight it whatsoever. I just... can't do it.

I fucking hate my stupid motherfucking brain.

Eating my usual meals and snacks, and not binging and purging, has gotten slightly easier. On the other hand, I am feeling a lot of things that I really don't want to feel, and it sucks pretty hard. Of course, I knew this would happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with, unfortunately :/. BUT I seem to be coming up with a decent amount of insights already, and I haven't even been here for two weeks. Knowing the reasons for things is helpful, because it allows me to challenge old assumptions and beliefs that I otherwise would never have been able to challenge (because I would have just assumed they were all inescapably true, and would think it was too difficult, or even absurd, to question them).

For example, if I had assumed I was deserving of pain because nobody really loves me (in a general sense), I can look at the times in my life when I didn't perceive that I was loved, and figure out from that where it all sort of started, and the circumstances behind it. Knowing that my mother was a huge source of I-never-feel-loved, and realizing that she likely has issues of her own that prevent her from being able to express her love in a way that I can intuitively understand and believe, helps me to be able to reframe things, and say to myself, "Actually, she did love you. She just didn't know how to show it." And so even though my experiences still hurt, and still make me feel angry with her (and slightly bitter), I have the basis to be able to think that maybe I was loved, or maybe in the future I could be loved.

There are about a thousand and one faulty assumptions and beliefs I have that need to be challenged this way, and I know it's going to take awhile to sink in... not to mention that on an emotional level I still need to process the hurts, and all the other feelings that come with all the crap in my head. My brain, as I have discovered, can move a hell of a lot more quickly than my feelings. So all this cognitive work is going to have to be applied and applied and applied, a thousand times over, before my emotions are even going to recognize it, let alone accept it.

I am realizing that if I wait to be ready, or to feel better, or to have things make sense before I try to do the cognitive changes, I am NEVER going to do the cognitive stuff, and I'm also never going to get better. So even though it feels backasswards to do things starting at my brain and trying to extend to my feelings, it's the only thing I can think of to do that might actually help. The feelings themselves simply do not change on their own. So using my brain (which I can control) to try and help myself move past all the emotions that are keeping me stuck is actually the ONLY thing I can do to help myself in a practical way. I mean, I could do years of analytical or very deep therapies, but without trying to retrain my brain, all these automatic thoughts and associated feelings are just going to continue, and everything is going to keep feeling like shit. Or I can try to put new patterns of thought into my brain to replace the old ones that make me feel like shit, and someday, when the new patterns actually get grasped and absorbed by my brain, maybe I will feel better (as well as think better). That's the idea, anyway. And it's worked for other people (as I've read in Life Without Ed, among other books I've come across lately), so why can't it work for me?

I don't know how much sense any of this makes. It's all kind of a jumble in my head, to be honest. I'm still trying to piece it all together. All this cognitive and emotional and no-behaviors stuff is all waves crashing into each other, and separating it all sometimes is like pulling taffy. But I hope that with enough time, effort, and patience, I will be able to organize and process it all, and thereby actually start a true, and PERMANENT, road of recovery.

Day 3 at the house... it seems to get slightly harder every day. ED, of course, is constantly, or near constantly, chattering in my head about everything I "should" be doing that I'm not doing -- namely, binging, purging, and restricting. Of course, I am not currently listening to that voice; but it gets extremely tiresome and frustrating to hear it constantly yapping and yammering in my brain. I get about 3290583958 urges a day to do something ED. At this point I know that voice is probably not going to quiet itself for long in the next few days, or probably even the next few weeks. It's something I'm just going to have to ride out, and just yell back at to SHUT THE FUCK UP every time it gets particularly annoying. No matter where I had gone for treatment, it would have done exactly the same thing... if in fact I had been able to GET to any other treatment anytime soon, which is doubtful at best. So it's a really, really good thing I was able to go to M House now. It really is.

One thing I have found an invaluable resource is "Life Without Ed". I had previously refused to read it (at least within my own head) because it really seemed like the cliche recovery book to me, and for that reason alone I wouldn't touch it. I have this thing where if something is EXTREMELY popular, and everyone constantly talks about it and gushes over it, there's a really good chance I just won't go near it because all the hype annoys me so much. Anyway, I* happened to have it here, so I thought I would actually try reading it, especially since I've never really read any kind of ED book (recovery or not) with the honest, full intention of using it in a good way. And I'm glad I let her give it to me to borrow, because it's honestly AMAZING. I feel like so, so many chapters basically describe my exact headspace, or way of thinking. She was both anorexic and bulimic, and I suppose in a way I have been both myself, so it's GREAT. I would honestly recommend it for anybody with an ED, though, not just someone who has a "combo" like I have/had. I realized that for awhile I have already conceptualized ED the way she does, except that I don't put a gender or any sort of human face on ED. Instead, ED is kind of a shapeless, faceless shadow in my head that lurks around and tells me lots of ludicrous bullshit about myself. In many ways I can, now, distinguish the ED voice from my own mind, so when the ED voice starts blabbing and won't shut up, I yell at it to go away, as I said before. It my only listen for a short time now, but there will come a time when it will be silent for longer and longer periods. I know this first-hand, as I've experienced it multiple times. But I'm DETERMINED not to relapse this time. NO MORE FUCKING BEHAVIORS.

Anyway, I'm out of computer time now, so I must go. I'll try to update when I can, although I must confess I may not be able to read any threads. Right now, reading anything involving active self-destruction is simply too upsetting and triggering for me, and I can't do it. Part of my recovery, by necessity, is going to involve phasing things like my regularity on self-harm and eating disorder places out of my life. I can't get better from an addictive-type behavior, or a set of such behaviors, if I'm constantly reading about it and focusing on it and remembering the million and one reasons I used to do it in the first place. You know?

I'll update again when I can.

I am scared out of my mind about M House tomorrow. My anxiety is bad enough that it's making it hard to get anything done tonight in the way of packing, etc. I may try to do some later, or I may just wake up early tomorrow and do it. I'm probably more likely to be able to be calm tomorrow morning. On the other hand, I don't want to, say, wake up too late tomorrow and accidentally leave myself with too little time, or something like that. I don't have an alarm clock anymore since my cat knocked my phone into the fish tank a few days ago. (Oh, wait, I didn't mention that? Yeah... the replacement won't be here till at least tomorrow or Wednesday. Sucks. :|

All day today my brain has been alternating between and .

Weight today was 103.8... up a pound from yesterday. I seem to be gaining weight like crazy. I mean, when you consider that on about the 20th I was at 96.4 lbs, 103.8 IS quite a high weight to be at. But I am aware that at least 1-2 lbs of this weight is rehydration, and I may also be retaining some water. Still, though, the gain is really hard to deal with mentally.

However, I am going to be doing something that is probably/likely/hopefully going to help with this. You see, I have decided to go back to M House for at least another month or two. I've already talked to my old social worker / counselor there (I*) and written up the goals I want to work on, and she's talked to the other social workers and some of the staff, and they all thought it sounded like a good idea. Plus they actually have beds free now, which they don't always. So I'm set to come in next Tuesday afternoon.

I know that this announcement probably sounds like it's completely coming out of left field, but it actually makes a lot of sense. The funny thing was, it was my dietician's idea. I had been telling her that it wasn't that I didn't want to give up binging and purging, but that I just couldn't, and I explained to her why. Basically, the reason is that I can't deal with all the emotional fallout, plus the other urges that I know would probably come after ED was gone (like cutting, suicidal ideation, etc). So then she said, "Well, why not stop binging and purging and go to M House?" I sort of brushed off the suggestion at first, but then I was like... "Wait now. What if I actually DID stop b/ping, and then I checked into M House to deal with the fallout?"

It was seriously like she had thrown a load of bricks on top of my head, the idea hit me so hard. For months and months I've been thinking that I was never going to find anywhere that could treat both my ED and the underlying stuff, and help me deal with urges of all kinds, including self-harming type ones. And the truth is that M House doesn't "do" eating disorders, at least not per se. But they know me quite well, since I spent four months there two years ago, and I also know them, so I know that they actually can help me deal with all the underlying stuff, and probably pretty well.

As for the ED... well, I have made a commitment to myself that once I am there, I am throwing ED out the fucking window, and whatever happens happens. The idea of going back is that I stop all the behaviors, more or less (I recognize that I will probably have slips, but I don't intend to let them become relapses), and then use the 24/7 support system of M House to deal with whatever random and/or horrid bullshit comes up once I do so. One of my goals, the first one of three, is very specific: a) "Eat 3 square meals + 1-2 snacks a day [and adjust plan if dietician says I should]" and b) "NO binging and/or purging. Work with staff to cope with urges instead of using ED behaviors." I had to write it exactly like that, because a) could so easily be manipulated if I had said "3 meals" (I could make them smaller) or "1 snack, 2nd snack optional" (no 2nd snack on days I feel 'fat') or even "1 night snack" (because then if I have a snack at afternoon & want another one at night I will fight with myself about having it, etc). And with b) I had to write and/or instead of just and, because then I could decide "Oh, well, I can still purge just this once" or "Oh, if I binge this one time but don't purge it's not so bad". NO. I need to stop ED in its fucking tracks, and not let it warp me and twist me around this way. So the little things may not seem so important, but they really really are.

That being said, though, I've also agreed to go back to the IOP program for at least a few things, like a couple of meal supports a week, the dietician (well, I guess that one's a given), probably family therapy, that sort of thing. I may also ask to redo body image group, although it's psychoeducational and I don't generally like those sorts of groups... but body image is most definitely something I need to work on again, and so I probably should anyway, even if I've heard all the material before. I want to do the family therapy basically because my parents don't really know the full extent of the ED, and also because we just don't talk about any part of it, ever, even when the signs are ridiculously obvious (like the last couple of times I lost weight, etc). This whole shame and secrecy thing I've kept going is something I really need to work on, and I'm hoping this is going to be a start. Not to mention that I'd like to dispel some ideas my parents seem to have about my mental illness(es) in general, such as that they thought it would all just "go away", and I'd never end up in hospital again, and blah blah blah.

I do know that once I'm in M House, I am going to do anything and everything in my power to avoid not feeling, whether consciously or unconsciously. I suspect there's going to be a lot of anxious blanking out and dissociation happening, which I'm probably going to need to talk to I* about, since she may need to remind me of what we'd been talking about, or ease off if it gets too bad, etc. But I'm not going to let anything, be it behaviors or urges or just plain shit I can't control like dissociating, stop me from dealing with my crap. As I said to I* when I met with her on Wednesday, I am just sick of all this disordered shit, and I know that in order to get past it I have to go through it. I've been avoiding and numbing and binging and purging my feelings for so, so long, and it hasn't helped anything -- if anything it's gotten worse. If I am to actually live again, and not just exist as a chronically disordered person, I have to deal with all the things I've been avoiding thinking about and dealing with. I have to feel -- really, truly feel. And it is terrifying. But I HAVE to do this.

So that's basically the essence of it. I want to beat ALL these fucking disorders, and get my goddamned life back. I'm sick of wasting my time on disorders. I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE, SO FUCK YOU, ED. I won't be your slave anymore.

I finally had a BM after about two days of feeling bloated and gross because I didn't have one... it was super hard and rather painful, though. I'm just glad to know things are finally starting to move naturally through me. I hate Ex-Lax.

Today my weight was 99.2 lbs; up .2 from yesterday. I have managed about 1650-1700 calories the last two days, and seem well on my way to managing at least that much today. I am trying very very hard for balance in my meals -- carbs (I do whole wheat whenever possible), proteins, veggies and/or dairy, fats. I'm still not eating fruit, but maybe eventually I'll be able to work it in... right now I'm still afraid of it. It really doesn't make much sense, because I'll eat jam or yogurt with sugar in it, but not fruit? I guess fruit is my last hold-out, or something. Maybe in coming days or weeks I can work it back in, somehow, sometime. I don't really care that much, to be honest. Almost all of the micro- and macronutrients in fruit are easily obtained from all the other food groups, anyway. Or so I'm convincing myself.

I still b/p at least once a night, but I knew that was going to happen. I can't control myself from doing it these days. Last night as part of my binge I polished off the rest of a box of cream crackers with real blueberry jam... I mean, really, who binges on blueberry jam and crackers?? But it was ridiculously delicious, and I couldn't hold back. After that I ate a bunch of chocolate, purged, then binged again on Life toasted cinnamon cereal with milk and blueberry muffins with margarine. Purged again; got everything out the 2nd time, and felt a lot better stomach-wise. I was able to go to sleep after that, though, thankfully.

These are interesting times that we live in.

So I've had a very sudden (or seemingly sudden) change of mind: I'm trying to start eating again. By which I mean regularly, and "enough". Yesterday was the first day of it; I know I managed to keep in a lot more cals than usual, though I don't actually know my exact cal count. Maybe close to 1500 or so? That estimate could be off by hundreds, as I ate a lot just before I went to bed, and don't really know the cals of all of it, etc.

Today so far I've had breakfast, which was 469 cals, and just now I had "lunch", which was 326 cals. My "lunch" was a sandwich on whole wheat with a bunch of toppings (including cheese), which I had honestly thought was a lot more cals than it was -- my total is just under 800, when I figured it was more like 900-1000. I guess this is why it's a decent idea to keep track of my food intake on a website or on Notepad (right now I'm using MyPlate): I can't trick myself into thinking I've eaten more than I have, or less. Not to mention I can keep track of stuff like sodium, protein, and fiber, which is useful. I've had quite a lot of protein today, actually... 39g so far. Some of it was from the bread I've had, though. I've eaten 4 slices of it so far today. Oh well -- it helps me get in my calories, and I certainly wasn't getting nearly enough grains before, AND the bread is whole wheat. So I'm not going to beat myself up about that.

Weight today was 98.6; yesterday it was 98. Since the day before that it was 96.4, I know that the weight "gain" is not real weight, but more likely food and water weight from actually eating again. That being said, though, I know this weight won't "go away" as long as I'm eating normally, since is the normal pound or two humans always have in them from actually eating and being hydrated. I'm surprised by how little I'm freaking out about it.

Then again, there is a pretty strong something in my head right now telling me that this is the right thing -- that eating is a good thing to do right now. Whatever that self-destructive/suicidal thing was in my head that made me restrict before seems to have vanished into thin air. I honestly, truly attribute this to my meds. I've noticed that while I'm in the process of falling back into major depression, I also get a serious increase of suicidal ideation, to the point that I really want to do it, my whole life seems hopeless, etc etc. And I have always said that in order to restrict severely I had to have a death wish. So now that the death wish is gone, apparently I may be capable of normalizing my intake again. It does make sense.

I know that bulimia won't go away nearly as easily as this, however, because for me bulimia is as natural as breathing, and has been from the first time I purged. The binging stems from emotional things, and the purging is something I feel to be a necessary response to such binging, so I don't see it stopping anytime soon. It would take a lot more than a simple balanced meal plan to fix that part of it. But whatever... I've had bulimia for years, and I'm used to it. It's the restriction that always desperately interferes with my life when it gets really strong, and the restriction I need to fix before I can do anything else with my life. So I guess it's better that I'm trying to do that now.

Wish me luck, I guess... and pray that this isn't just another "phase" of my eating disorder.

My weight just keeps climbing... due to water retention, I think. Even if I'm keeping more in from b/ps, I KNOW I'm not eating enough to gain real weight. I took lax yesterday, to be "cleaned out" for the doctor today, and instead of losing anything, I GAINED .4 lbs. So today I'm at 97.2, which just means I'm even more hideous and disgusting and fat.

Okay, fine, so my weight doesn't sound objectively fat. But I've put on 2 lbs in about 5 days (and at least some of it is water), and my bulimia is getting more out of control, and I just feel like shit in general. I don't really know why I'm not suicidal, but I'm not, so apparently there is nothing I can do about this. Not that I'd've been able to do anything anyway, probably, since I always fucking tell on myself.

And actually, if I'm being honest, I don't truly want to die. But living this way gets harder and harder by the week. Yet I can't stop... because I can't get FAT. I can't get fat a-fucking-GAIN. I'm so done with that bullshit. I'm done with all the world's bullshit, really. Yet that is all the world seems to be, so I am left going nowhere, and doing nothing in my life except starving and binging and purging.

If only I cared just a little bit more. Ha.

Yesterday, after lots of BMs from lax, my weight was 95.4; today it's back up to 96.2. Still, though, I have lost weight overall, so I'm not extremely dissatisfied.

Last night was difficult, though... I went to my parents' house for supper. They had veggie lasagna (which is just about the only dish they ever make for me now that I'm a vegetarian) and salad, so it really shouldn't have been that bad, but... that lasagna was SO hard. I really just didn't want to eat any of it, but I knew I had to eat some of it, so I took a small square and ate maybe 2/3rds of the portion. I took lots of garden salad and put ranch on it, though, and I ate all my salad, so it probably looked like I ate slightly more than I "really" did. I managed to eat enough to please them (or at least not make a fuss), but it was surprisingly torturous just putting food to mouth. In the past, I've always been able to decide to eat during a family meal, while on an outing, etc, and it hasn't traditionally been difficult... it's strange to find it's not so easy to just push aside ED anymore. I even took Ativan last night to make sure I didn't freak out about the lasagna I ate. That's fairly pathetic, but oh well.

I meant to write about other things, but I don't really feel like it anymore. Maybe later on.

Everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

96.6. BMI: 16.7.

I see the dietician today. I really have no idea what's going to go down. I still can't do a meal plan like she wants me to, so nothing's going to happen that way, unless I have some sort of miraculous breakthrough (which I doubt).

The sad thing is that I really don't have anything else to talk about but the ED. Ever since I stopped working, all I really do is sit at home, restrict, b/p, get online, watch TV, and read when I can. And, well, go to appointments when I have them, which is about once or twice a week on average, lately. That's it. My life is chock full of really fucking boring. Hence why I basically never write lately, except to update about weight and shit.

97.4. BMI: 16.8.

Just another day.

I know I need help, but I don't WANT help, and my lack of motivation is going to make it impossible for anyone to treat me anyway. Therefore, I'm screwed.

98.2. BMI: 17.

Lost a pound since yesterday. 98.6. BMI: 17.1.

I feel fairly like shit, but am definitely not unwell enough to need the ER / a hospital, so right now I am doing "all right", at least according to my standards. A good friend suggested I should see my GP, but I dunno if I actually will or not. I mean, there's like an 80% chance that my bloodwork will be perfectly fine, and I don't think I could stand to go to my GP, say "Maybe I should get bloodwork", only to have it come back and all be PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE. And the only other thing she could say would be "eat". Which I am clearly NOT going to do. So I hardly see the point, unless it's to probably make me feel bad about myself.

No... chances are I'll either wait till I go into some sort of medical crisis or half-crisis, or only go if someone like the dietician says I should have a checkup and/or bloodwork every x weeks. I do not want to go get this shit of my own volition, because I'm tired of saying I feel like x y or z only to have it completely physically unsubstantiated by medical tests.

In the meantime, I roll along the lazy river of "life". Which happens to be in a separate stream from what most people call "life"; but I really don't care how separate I am right now. In fact, most of the time I'd rather be away from other people than among them and their judgments and their pronouncements and their stares. In my river, at least no one looks at me quizzically or asks me questions I can't answer in a way that would make anybody happy.