Okay... now I really know I need a new battery for my scale. I got three different weights today, and each weight displayed at least 2-3 times in a row. So like... which one do I believe??? I recorded 106.8, which was the highest one; I wish I could believe the 106.4 or 106.2 were right, but my pessimism tells me the highest weight is right. Plus, I didn't think it was possible that I could have lost weight from yesterday, given that I b/ped twice. Bodies are very strange sometimes, I guess. And, well, I have been exercising a bit, and standing up a lot. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Last night I was in a very... vitriolic... mood. O.o. I am pretty certain that if Homewood accepts me now, though, I won't say no -- I think I'd have to be completely out of my fucking mind to refuse such a good chance at recovery. Because, for all my ranting and raving about how I don't wanna give up this disorder, how I want to keep losing weight, etc, I really don't like this ED, and I know that if it keeps going on indefinitely I am going to end up doing something drastic again. The last OD brought me far closer to death than I even realized until very recently -- and I know that if I felt as bad as that again I would have no hesitation in doing something equally harmful to myself once more. And the next time I could actually die. I could. And that scares the fucking hell out of me -- because in my heart of hearts I don't really want to die. It's just that I sometimes end up not being able to deal with my own mind, and suicide is the only way I know that would actually shut it off. And that's bad. Really really bad. :/

So yeah. If Homewood gives me the thumbs up, I probably will go. But I know that won't stop me from trying to lose as much weight as is humanly possible before I get there. I know that I won't be able to stop the ED behaviors until I get there. And you know... I can live with that, just as long as I know that eventually I will get help, that this eventually will come to an end. I can hang on if I know there's something coming in a couple of months that might help me. It's gonna take a lot of fucking work to battle those suicidal impulses, but I really think I can do it. If they accept me. If they don't -- well, I don't want to think about that, so I'm not going to. I'm just gonna cross my fingers extra tight and pray to a god I'm not sure even exists that they don't reject me. Pleasepleaseplease...

:(