Warning: This entry is extremely triggering.

You want the truth? All right. Here's the truth.

I am having serious doubts about Homewood. Mostly because I feel like there's nothing in this world that can help me. I know, I know, that's supposedly bullshit. But here's some more stuff related to this that may help explain why.

I read over the Homewood site again, and the stay is only nine weeks for non-anoretics. And since I'm not even good enough to lose enough weight to be called an anoretic, my stay will only be nine weeks, too. I mean, "only" nine weeks is relative, I guess. And probably I'm stupid for thinking that nine weeks is too short. But for some reason I could SWEAR I read that the minimum stay was 90 days, which would be three months. So I guess the contrast is getting me. It just... it adds to the hopeless feelings. Yes, that is stupid. I am just a fucking stupid idiot, okay? You're just gonna have to deal with it, because I don't know how to change it.

I want to lose weight so badly... I really do. And I know I can't do that with binging and purging -- I'm not quite stupid enough to not be aware of that fact. It's just that I start feeling extremely depressed, and then I want to eat for comfort, or something like that. And so I say, "Well, okay, you can eat, but you'll purge it out after." And so that's what I do. But then it leads to this vicious cycle where I hate myself for b/ping and that makes me depressed, which leads to more b/ping... ahgod. And I fucking HATE bulimia. HATE HATE HATE. Being bulimic, to me, is the equivalent of being a disgusting fatty who can't fucking control herself. It makes me feel inferior to everyone else, except maybe binge eaters. Bulimia is this terrible, gross, nasty, dirty, impulsive disorder. Anorexia is the clean, pure, calculated disorder that actually makes you thin. But, as I already said, I'm not even good enough to have anorexia. Instead I get stuck with this fucking EDNOS shit. EDNOS might as well not even be a real disorder. It means nothing at all. It means a hodgepodge of random symptoms, none of which 100% fit any respectable eating disorder. EDNOS is fucking bullshit. And, of course, THAT's the one I get diagnosed with.

I don't know if I even qualify for Homewood. Why? I don't know if I could honestly say that I'm not suicidal. I won't know if I can say it when I get there. I mean, okay... number one, I'm fucking borderline. Suicide ideation pretty much comes with borderline personality disorder. Do they really expect me to get up there and suddenly magically not have any suicidal thoughts at all? I think they do. And I can't fulfill that expectation, so I may be pinning my hopes on this program for nothing, because I'll get up there and say I still think about suicide and they'll say, "Oh... that's too bad. So how soon can you take a flight home?" Waste of my parents' money for the flight up. Waste of my time. Waste of my hope. Waste of a fucking stupid idea that maybe some half decent facility can ever help me get better.

Fact is, it doesn't seem like anyone really wants me to get better. I'm being given the runaround here. Two to three months before I'll even fly up to Homewood, and in the intervening time... what? Therapy that doesn't even fucking work?? That's why I'm GOing to Homewood -- because what I'm doing treatment-wise in my life right now DOESN'T BLOODY WORK.

And why are they sending me to Homewood in the first place? Because they don't know how the fuck else to help me. I'm pretty much convinced of this now. Borderline personality disorder, which is my real disorder (well, it IS), is so hard and time-consuming to treat. And for someone like me, who doesn't respond to that bullshit therapy they call CBT, they just don't know what the fuck else to do with me, because they do therapy now to be timely and efficient instead of to actually fix the fucking disorders. So at the first signs of a diagnosis there is actually a time-constrained, "good" program for (aka the eating disorder), they're very willing to slap me into some inpatient facility on the mainland, because maybe they can treat the eating disorder and I'll get magically better, and then suddenly I won't be borderline anymore!!!!!!

Jesus fucking christ. I am so sick of this shit. It's like they're willing to send me to anything at all that will just get me out of their fucking hair. I'm too much trouble. Too chaotic. Too unstable. No one wants to deal with the fucking borderline girl. Let's treat her eating disorder and hope that somehow becomes the magic cure-all for her problems. OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO GO FUCKING INSANE HERE.

So I feel completely invalidated, uncared for, depressed, bulimic, and FAT. GOD do I ever feel fucking FAT. I might as well weigh 400 fucking pounds. And I can't even lose any fucking weight to stop feeling so fucking FAT because I keep BINGING and PURGING because I'm a goddamned fatty disgusting BULIMIC whose real diagnosis is not even a real fucking DIAGNOSIS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH