Weighed in at 106.4 lbs today -- and that was after having consumed a large glass of Diet Pepsi. My true weight was probably more like 106. I shouldn't be so happy that I'm losing -- I know I shouldn't be -- but I am happy. And I still want to continue to lose more weight.

God. What happened to the days when restricting was actually somewhat enjoyable? When losing weight was like a fun game? I almost wish I could have them back.

However, oxymoronic as this is... now that I'm further into this disorder, and it has stopped being so fun, I am a lot more motivated to try and get better. Before, when the behaviors didn't seem serious, I did not in the least want to give them up. "There's nothing really wrong with me physically -- in fact, I needed to lose weight -- so what the fuck are you talking about?" That was my attitude then. However, I am able to see, nowadays, how excessive my concerns with weight and food and body image are -- in short, I can actually see now that I do have a problem.

I'm still not able to change the behaviors on my own, but that is, hopefully, where Homewood will come in. I still have to have a final phone interview before they'll even review my application, so this is probably going to take a lot longer than I imagined; however, I almost like that I have more time. Or, to be more exact, the eating disordered part of me likes that I have more time. More time to restrict and b/p and continue to lose weight. Ugh. (Sometimes I really do wish that part of me would leave me the fuck alone.) All this, of course, is just more proof that I need to be there. Which is another fact that I don't always believe... but I try to make myself believe it as much as I can, because, ironically, it's the eating disorder itself telling me that I don't really have a problem!!!

Even when I say all this, though, the eating disorder still exists. And I'm still happy about that 106 fucking pounds. *hits self repeatedly on head with a foam baseball bat*