Complete fail at recovery. My ability to eat "more" lasted all of one day... then on Sunday I ate a bagel with cream cheese from Tim Hortons, really early in the day, freaked out about eating even MORE later on in the day and really truly starting to gain weight, and ended up b/ping. Four times. :|

Yesterday... well, I wish I could say I didn't eat "much" aside from the two b/ps I had. I tried not to eat much, but it didn't quite work out that way, as a lot more ended up digesting than I had planned. And then at the end of it all, of course, I got slightly hypoglycemic, so I ate fucking maple kisses candies, and had a glass of apple juice. I am a fucking fatass.

My mindset these last couple of days has been really really horrid, as well. I keep wishing I would just die already -- feeling like simply expiring would be a really good thing. I don't have any plans to act on this right now (no worries)... it's a pretty passive desire. Right now, actually, my inclination is to let the ED do it for me. Which may be another part of the reason why I b/ped six times in two days.

The right corner of my mouth is starting to get a red mark on it. I am pale. I am only letting myself drink coffee before I see my GP today at 1:30 (it's 7:40 now), as I don't want to seem overly fat on her scale, which reads about 2lbs heavier than mine because of clothing and such. I was 101.6 this morning; my hope is that, if she does weigh me today, her scale will say something around 103. Which would be a BMI of 17.8. Which isn't low enough, granted, but it's lower than my last weigh-in at her office (107.5; BMI of about 18.6?).

I feel quite self-destructive. Instead of slicing up my skin (which I have thought about also), I feel like I am waging war on my esophagus, stomach, intestines. The constant b/ping, even if my chemistry is not horribly imbalanced yet, is definitely taking its toll on the "hardware" of my body. I know I still have that ulcer/stomach thing, at least, because over the last couple days it's been hurting more. Which of course makes perfect sense.

All I want to do is destroy myself. Kill this stupid thing inside me that I can't even identify, let alone figure out how to fix. What is it about me that I hate so much? What is it that's inside me that I need to kill so badly that I'm willing to literally, physically die to not have to see it or deal with it?

I don't know. I don't fucking know.