I am trying to attempt to eat a little more throughout the day -- sometimes -- but I am terrified of gaining weight, still, so I will not eat any more than my body will allow me to. So far today I've had about 6 or 7 sweet chili heat Doritos, about 1/2 bowl or a little more of a (very full and very chunky) bowl of turkey soup, and a coffee. I still feel full right now, actually, but I can't tell whether that's my anxiety or my stomach talking at this particular moment. Either way, I can't allow myself to eat more until I feel really, truly hungry. And even then it has to be "good" things, and I have to have something of a decent portion, or, preferably, I have to know the calories in the food.

I don't know. I feel like this is a "positive step", yet I'm aware that I'm still not eating "enough". Yet I'm trying to eat more throughout the day than I was willing to eat during the day before, and I'm not as cold, and when I do manage it I feel less weak, seem to have more brainpower, etc. So I am doing "better", I guess. And yet I have no idea if I actually am gaining weight, as the lack of cold, etc, would mean my metabolism is slightly higher than before, which means I am (hopefully) maintaining. Again, I'm super terrified of gaining weight, and right now I'm also not 100% convinced I need or want to gain anything, ever, so I can't let myself. I am also still b/ping... but there were a couple of days I didn't b/p at all, not so long ago. So does that make me any better, or am I just fooling myself? I don't know. *sigh* But I am trying not to let myself regress further, and so any tiny baby steps I can take may help. Or so I am telling myself.

A week and three days until my cardiologist appointment. Follow-up with my GP re: medical tests on Tuesday. Therapy with psychologist as usual on Wednesday.

Ho-hum.