Made an appointment with the GP on Tuesday. It's not my regular GP, as she's off till Wednesday, but I have no trouble admitting I'm bulimic and talking about physical symptoms, so I'll go anyway. Probably better to do it quickly, when I'm still willing to go / have the symptoms, etc.

I was actually not having any pain or discomfort at all, but it started to hurt when I began drinking my coffee this morning -- first in my stomach/throat area, and later it felt more like it was in my chest. That makes me think it's a problem with my esophagus or stomach, probably caused by the purging :|. It would make sense, given that I purge every day, and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, and that in between times I drink a lot of acidic things and don't exactly coat my stomach with food. I guess I'll find out for sure when I go on Tuesday.

Today I was 100.4, which means that my BMI is "officially" below 17.5. I wish that made me happy, but it really doesn't. I feel just as shitty about my weight as I did at 17.5, or 17.6, or in the 18s or 19s for that matter. I feel like the biggest fucking heifer alive. And I'm getting utterly terrified of food.

I'm supposed to eat (vegetarian) pizza tomorrow at volunteer training. Eat Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house the night after that. Next Wednesday I also have to eat another Thanksgiving dinner, as there is a tenant meeting at my apartment building, which is going to be based around a turkey dinner. I mean, FUCK. I try to be fucking social, and not go crazy from social isolation, but the result of that is that people have to push all this fucking fattening greasy disgusting food in my face??? It really fucking pisses me off. And I may not be able to finish the food anyway, because it terrifies me. That won't be such a problem at the tenant meeting... but around all my friends, all of whom know I have an eating problem, and have watched me as I've lost from healthy to underweight? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH