Had therapy today... my sessions are getting weirder and weirder. Today I dissociated fairly badly because I was anxious, to the point that I actually forgot a thread of conversation, and I was kind of drifting in and out a bit. When I was finally able to ground myself a little better, I was rewarded with anxiety so strong it felt like the beginnings of a panic attack, and I couldn't quite feel myself as one whole being physically, although I could feel my limbs separately if I thought about it (my psychologist asked me if I could feel my limbs). The psychologist actually had to talk me through a grounding-type technique... you know, paying attention to my body, how my feet felt on the floor, the things that were around me, etc. I was able to get back into myself and calm down a little after that, but still.

I could only shake my head and be puzzled, and the smallest bit scared, about the incident while it was happening. Sometimes I can kind of play off my psychological workings as no big deal, but it's when things like that happen that I truly realize: I have issues. Like, not just something small that "ought" to be able to be fixed fairly easily; not just things I do to myself that I "could" stop at any time. Huge, motherfucking, this-shit-will-not-go-away-just-because-I-want-it-to ISSUES. And I don't know how to handle that, or what to do with all the emotions and "strange" thoughts/perceptions that the therapy brings up. I definitely think it's a decent part of the reason why the ED is so strong right now.

The problem, as I see it, is this: the people who treat my ED need to understand that this is the sort of place where it comes from. But will they understand? What the hell are they going to know about borderline, and this dissociative / emotionally intense thing I've got going on? Are they actually going to understand the underlying issues? Or am I once again going to get totally shitty surface treatment for the ED?

I just don't know. I don't fucking know. And I am helpless to know, or to do anything about it. All I can do is sit here and wait -- wait for my specialist appointment, wait for professionals to do their bit, wait for the program, and hope to hell the program is actually up to scratch.