I am losing my motivation.

I am not thin enough, sick enough, good enough for treatment.

Plus, I'm starting to really want to self-destruct. I feel like I am a horrible, awful person, and I deserve the pain. I deserve everything I get for doing this stuff to myself, for being so wrong on the inside, for being such a horrible failure.

Feeling good, or even okay, doesn't feel "right" anymore. All that feels right is discomfort and self-torture.

A rainy day, a muddy hill, and I am slipping down it.