102.2 lbs. BMI: 17.7. I was dehydrated this morning -- but that's usually the case in the mornings. Yesterday I was "too" hydrated which is why I didn't lose anything at weigh-in yesterday. But today I figured I would... and once I recalibrated my stupid-ass scale, I had about a pound gone. Almost a pound. Whatever. I'm down another BMI point so I'm okay enough with it.

I'm at the point now where what I want to do is just... go on like 100-200 cals a day. So my coffee and MAYBE one other thing. My true preference would be to just have the coffee and nothing else (the creamer comes to at least 70-80 cals for my coffee), but I'm not sure I can handle that yet at nights... so maybe just the coffee for the day, and then something small, like a Greek yogurt, before bed. That would work out okay, I think. I think I think I think.

You can't tell the eating disorder has gotten bad at ALL. Noooooooo. Never.

Written yesterday


103 lbs. BMI: 17.8. Finally in the 17s. Of course, if I'm not careful, it'll go right back up. But being careful doesn't seem to be so much of a challenge these days — that is, if I can accept feeling tired and fairly miserable all the time, and waking up with cramps in my legs. Which I can. I can handle that just fine. My bones don’t hurt on the bed or when pressed together yet, so that’s something. I’m not sleeping most of the day… although, to be honest, I wish I could.

I also got bloodwork done a week and a half ago, and when I and my psychiatrist looked at it during my appointment yesterday, everything was normal, including my ferretin (which was, a few months ago, at 5, and is now 30 something — normal is 11+). So I’m like, "Dude, my body's totally fucking fine! It doesn’t matter if I feel tired or sick because it doesn’t mean I’m anemic!" And I know my head will totally run with that.

However, my pdoc did actually do my vitals (sitting and standing). She said something about how she works with cancer patients, etc (she’s an inpatient psychiatrist for basically whoever needs to see a psychiatrist, regardless of unit), and so she had some things that other psychiatrists didn't. I thought it was good that she did that, but also strange. Mostly because I've NEVER had a psychiatrist who even had a stethoscope in their office, never mind a blood pressure cuff and a pump! I have a feeling she may check my vitals either every time I see her or every other week... especially because my BP was low-normal (I think she said 110/80) and my heartbeat sitting was 104. It went down to high 90s when I stood, though, and it's usually the opposite way around when you stand, and my orthostatic BP wasn’t much different either. So I'm 'okay' for now but not really okay. If that makes sense.

I looked toward the back of the clinic where I’d never been before as I was walking out from my appointment (which was therapy and not just vitals, etc) and noted that there was a scale, saying, "Oh, there IS a scale. I always figured there was one here somewhere; I just didn’t know where." She kind of smiled and said "I’m not weighing you". I said "I know"... but she then said "There may come a point at which I do weigh you, though." There was nothing I could say to that because I knew exactly why such a time might come, and I couldn't argue about it because that would be pointless. It IS kind of reassuring to know I probably won't die if she's keeping an eye on me. Note the word probably.

I can't lie, though… if/when I do start to get weighed, it's going to scare me shitless. I know I will be tempted to waterload and/or put weights under clothes, etc. Because I know that if I go under a certain BMI I can be certified into hospital, and I do NOT want that to happen. I mean, maybe if the time came I would feel differently, but at the moment, being certified and forced to gain weight is one of the worst things I could possibly imagine. That fear tends to increase as I lose weight, not decrease, so... *sigh*

Anyway, I'm rambling and this is stupid, so I'll end it. All I know is that a) I’m not medically unstable, b) My appointment frequency is going to be increased when my pdoc can possibly do it, and c) I don’t think I'm going to be able to stop this without some sort of intervention. The ED is already making me more depressed and stuff, on top of the physical aches and pains, so honestly I think it's just a matter of time before I totally lose my shit and end up suicidal anyway... but then again, maybe not. I am trying my absolute BEST not to let that happen, because that's how I ended up on protocol last time. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON PROTOCOL AGAIN. Chances are pretty good I'd refuse it, anyway, and either end up dead or on a tube... neither of which would be fun... aaaaaagh. Why do I torture myself thinking about shit that's never happened to me and would take a long time to happen even now?

Apparently I stop and start this shit on a fucking dime.

106.2. Can't take anymore weight gain. Back to restriction. I just hope I have the fucking willpower this time. Of course, I will probably make myself do it whether or not I want to, or "have the willpower", so (hopefully) that part is totally irrelevant.

I CANNOT GET FUCKING FAT AGAIN. I'VE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME FAT. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

Well, I got down to about 104. Then I started binging at nights. Then, on the third day (two nights of binging), I think my head... I dunno, started to clear a little?

I realized: I don't want ED. And I do I want to eat.

And those sound like powerful thoughts, and they are, in a way. I'm letting myself eat. In meals and snacks, and trying to have relatively healthy stuff if I can. On the other hand, ED is like, "Fine, okay, you can eat now, and maybe for a little while longer, but then you might have to stop again."

Fact of the matter is, I don't want to be as big as I was before. I don't want to get past 110 ever again. In fact I'd prefer to maintain somewhere around this weight, or at least, if I have to do a gain/lose cycle, to start the lose cycle before 110 or just as I hit 110, and then to lose to at least low 100s, and cycle back if necessary. If I HAVE to binge, if I HAVE to fucking cycle around, I want to plan it, and have more control over it.

So it's like I'm throwing the wants-to-eat part a bone... but not too big a bone. Not a bone too unmanageable for the ED to deal with. I feel like in order to stay at all stable I have to do this.

I have my next appointment with my psychiatrist on August 1st. I was supposed to have been seeing her every two weeks, but then I got into a phase where I wanted zero to do with "therapizing", as I call it, and then when I finally did make an appointment I missed it because I thought it was on Thursday when it was on Tuesday. I know this one is actually on a Thursday, and the date is burned into my brain, so I won't miss this one, at least. But I also know I don't have to be therapized if I don't want to, and I know how to not let her in if I don't want her there. So, I guess, I've figured out how to control that too.

I mean, I want to be honest with her. I do. But part of the honesty would be that, if I didn't want to discuss something, I would tell her "I don't want to talk about that". Or talk about the not wanting therapy anything, if I felt that way. Honesty, for me, is in the moment. And if I tell her I don't want to talk about something, she knows there's more to it, but it's also TRUE that I don't want to talk about it. You know? I don't feel like I'm lying in saying that. It's more of a lie to force the words out when I'm not okay with it. That's how it feels, anyway.

I guess what happens happens. In the meantime, I have almost a week to kill. The heat (really the humidex) is insane, and threatens to stifle me at every turn, and I'm so BORED and I can't find anything to occupy my time in such a way that I feel fulfilled. I'm slightly depressed, still, but I'm also completely restless. I want everything to CHANGE, NOW, but I haven't got the means to do that unless I do something ridiculously self-destructive, and I don't want to do that. In the end, it won't fill up the hole inside me -- it will just be another distraction.

I don't want more goddamned distractions. I want answers, and I want the truth, and I want all this stupid disorder shit OUT OF ME.


PS: *resiprog* isn't going to happen. I got through part 1 of the application process and realized that this is a VERY Protestant organization (non-denominational apparently means non-denomination Protestant), and even just listening to the two lectures I heard in one day was completely overwhelming. There's no way I could go there and listen to two lectures a day, plus daily prayer and/or Bible study, plus groups, plus meals, plus chores... yeah, you can see why that would probably make me go UTTERLY INSANE. And I am NOT going to be indoctrinated into a religion that isn't Catholicism. So sorry, but no.

Relapse. Again. This time I made it up to about 111. Currently at 107.7, which is a BMI of 18.6. This is apparently now underweight for my age and height. I just turned 27, and with each year up you enter, the higher the BMI that says underweight for you. I know that any ED clinic would look at my BMI and think I was on the cusp, not actually underweight. So whatever. I don't consider myself underweight by any means... definitely not until I get under BMI 18. So fuck it.

I just couldn't handle the feelings that came up... yet again... around that 110-112 weight. It always happens, and I am always completely unable to face it alone (which is what always happens because I have nobody I can call for crisis that I have actually worked with in the last year or two), and so I always, always turn back to ED.

On the positive side (I think/ED doesn't think), I applied for the *resiprog* program in the country, a free, Christian, residential program in *place*. I have to call them sometime today and see how to get them the records they want... the last 2 years of my history from anyone who's been a treatment provider, including hospitals, etc. I was embarrassed by how many treatment providers and facilities I've actually had in those last 2 years. I guess what I'm going to have to do is sign a release of info and fax it to them, which they will then fax to the places to get the info. I hope that's what will happen, anyway, because I really cannot go to at least 5-6 different people and hospitals, including psychiatrists who no longer provide me care, to ask for records. Too many people I'd have to speak with; too much red tape. I can't even fathom it. If they can't help me with this part, the application simply will not get done. And this is only part ONE of the process. If I get approved after this, I have to go get a full physical including STD tests (no idea why they want that, but I don't have them, so I don't care), send them a self-written medical history, etc. After THAT I think there's an hour long phone interview... so yeah. It's going to be a lengthy process, so whatever I can do to speed it up is probably a good thing.

I know a lot of you may have heard very bad things about *resiprog*, because it's true that a lot of horrible shit went on in many of the other locations, but I've been talking to a girl who went to the program in our country and she said that all these horrible things basically are not happening in *mycountry*. They still have rules that will be hard to deal with -- for one thing, there is no TV, internet, or cell phones, and the only music you can bring is Christian music -- but at least they're not going to try to do exorcisms on me, condemn me for being gay/queer, try to indoctrinate me into some sort of weird cult-like system, etc. I honestly have too much spirit and intelligence to allow that shit to happen, anyway. As a Catholic, as well, I'm sure I will be asking a LOT of questions about theology that they're not necessarily used to. Catholics can spend lifetimes just trying to interpret scripture, whereas Protestants, fundamentalists, etc just take the Bible literally and don't do interpretation. I'm not sure what kind of Bible studies I'm going to run into there, but I know what Catholicism stands for in these matters and they will not be turning me into a non-Catholic. This is just what I AM, and they'll have to accept that. Questioning is in my nature, anyway, which is one reason I am Catholic rather than another denomination. I'm the weird kind of Catholic, meaning that I'm a liberal Catholic (I am still pro gay rights, pro choice, etc), but I'm also still Catholic and I come from a Catholic perspective where the Bible is concerned. So I'm sure that will play a part, as not everyone there will be Catholic and I have no idea what sort of denominations the program people might come from. I just have to be careful where Bible studies lead me.

Anyway, that's loads for this update... sorry if I bored you all with this stuff about Catholicism (I realize a lot of you believe in other stuff or are not spiritual). It's all new to me, to be honest. I only realized that I believed in God in later June, and shortly thereafter realized I was a Christian. It wasn't so long ago that I realized that the only church that seemed to suit me was the Catholic church. And, again, I am a liberal Catholic/Christian... I have some fairly radical beliefs, such as that anyone who believes in any kind of god or goddess is my sibling in God, and that I respect your religion no matter what it is. I will certainly never try to convince anybody out of their own religions. It is actually Papal doctrine that Catholics are not to force anybody into becoming a Catholic; but it's more than that for me. I would never force anything on anyone, period. I believe in freedom of choice, no matter what the choice, as long as you're not hurting others or taking away their rights with your choices. Hence why I am Catholic, pro gay rights, pro choice, and accepting of other religions. It doesn't hurt ME if others do what makes them happy.

Okay. I think I've rambled enough. Try to get some more coffee down, and take my last morning pill...

FINALLY out of the fucking 109s. Okay, so I'm only 0.1 lbs out of the 109s, but that's better than always being at 109.2 or greater! I'm really really hoping this downward trend just keeps on going and going.

I started making plans for a tattoo consultation before I realized paying for a tattoo may interfere with my ability to pay for things I want for ED. I really should be past the point where I would even consider putting ED above something I really really want, but apparently I'm right back there again. It's funny how your mindset can be different for such a long-ass time and then suddenly... it's as if it never left you. But, more than that, this time I seem to be willing to do anything to appease it, and try to be a "good girl" by not binging or purging. I do NOT want to purge! The idea of it right now is completely disgusting to me. I envision vomit coming out of my mouth and it's just... ugh. I mean, if it has to come to that eventually then so be it, but I'm hoping that with some of the measures I'm taking, MAYBE this time I can NOT become a binge/purge restrictor. I would really really love that.

Hopefully I can find some way to afford the tattoo within a month AND get the stuff I want. I think it may be possible. We'll just have to wait and see.

Weight loss weight loss weight loss.

ED is back.

Weight has been in the 109s for like an ETERNITY now. At least 5-6 days. I can't fucking stand it anymore. I'm doing a coffee and 0-calorie liquids fast until it starts fucking coming off, because I CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

I've also started something I would never have done before, in a bid to actually keep having energy while I am restricting and anemic at the same time. Because I got bloodwork done, then ended up in the hospital for suicidality that weekend and... turns out I once again have iron-deficiency anemia. My ferritin was like 7, and my hemoglobin was low. Apparently they know for sure that it's diet-related because the bloodwork says my iron binding capacity is actually high. Which I'm glad for, because at least the iron supplements should work well. Apparently my hemoglobin was also low in DECEMBER, the last time I was hospitalized, but nobody bothered to fucking tell me. I'm livid about that. So I've basically been anemic for four entire months and the motherfuckers didn't bother to tell me back when it would have helped me more! I wouldn't have had to go through all this shit with being so tired, losing my skin color, etc etc etc. So, yeah, I'm mad. Isn't there a fucking REASON they do bloodwork in the first place!? Ugh. Just fuck them.

Anyway, I am treating the anemia as "prescribed" by the nurse practitioner and pdoc I saw while in hospital, and as I have at least two months' worth of iron pills still in my house, I didn't need a prescription. So there's that. I usually allow myself half a cup of juice to go with it, so I can supplement the iron with vitamin C. So that, coffee, and 0-cal drinks will be my entire intake. FUCK FOOD until I lose the goddamned weight I want to lose so fucking badly.

PS: Did I mention I basically hate everything? Then again, don't I hate everything most of the time anyway? Whatever.

At a normal weight. BMI: 19 or maybe a little above. I haven't managed to gain to a weight this "big" for about two years, so it's interesting. Equally interesting, but less good, is the fact that I've now managed to give myself abdominal obesity, and my body fat percentage is such that I come pretty close to qualifying for obesity in body fat as well. ED had a lovely little many-days-long freakout over this, convinced me I needed to lose weight -- even had me restricting again. But I figured something else out that I'm going to try.

I'm sure most or all of you have heard of the glycemic index (GI) -- for those who may not know, this is an index based on how much a food, condiment, etc will raise your blood sugar upon consumption. High GI foods include things like white carbs, sugar, regular soda, candy, etc. The idea of following a "GI diet" is to choose foods that are lower on the GI (low or moderate, instead of high) so that your blood sugars remain more stable, and you also feel fuller for longer. Protein basically doesn't have a GI unless it is plant-based, and vegetables have very low GIs. Some fruits have relatively low, or moderate, GIs also.

This diet was originally put forth more for diabetics than anybody else, but I find that when I generally apply the principles of GI to my life, I feel a lot better and I don't gain weight in the same ways, or I maintain more easily. For me, it means going from a diet of mostly junk food to actually making sure I have properly-portioned 3 squares, and a snack or two if I need it. It means I will be trying some different breads, or at minimum sticking to whole wheat or multigrain (either is much lower than white on the GI); I'll be making sure I get in my proper protein every day; I'll be trying to buy more veg and lower-GI fruits, and NOT buy much, if any, junk food (maybe as a once-a-day thing after I've finished my meal... if you eat junk after a meal it automatically lowers the rate at which that sugar enters your bloodstream). I feel it is appropriate to do this because a) I have a very high tendency to get sugar-addicted, and b) at least three of my dad's sisters are diabetic (two insulin-dependent) and my grandmother was, too, meaning diabetes is something in my genetics that I could easily inherit. Given my apple shape, and my hormone disorder PCOS, a disorder that correlates highly with diabetes, diabetes is even more of a concern, and highly likely to occur if I don't eat reasonably now. So I'm going to go back to following the GI as much as possible, though I'm not going to deny myself a treat now and again. (Hell, I just had a cafe mocha with breakfast, and hot chocolate is nowhere near low GI.)

I need to do this for my health, not just because I am abdominally obese or because my BF % is probably higher than it needs to be. I know that I need to start exercising as well, because I always feel better when I exercise, and I also really need to build up better muscle strength, particularly if I intend to get better at archery. I still can't pull back my recurve (bow) all the way and hold it there without shaking & significant muscle burn, and the draw is 25lbs MAX. (If you don't know much about archery, that is a standard beginner's draw, and pretty light compared to non-beginner and competition bow standards.) What I really want to do is swim... but this requires me to go buy, say, one of those 10-swim passes, which I don't currently have the money for (although I will tomorrow!). The problem is that if I have the money for exercise, bills, and my sponsor child, I don't have the money to actually eat. Oops.

However, I'm hoping to get a full-time job sometime near the end of May, a job I think I can actually handle (I recently had a stint at *fastfoodplace* but had to quit because I had a freakout and it took me like a week to get over it). If I get such a job, I will be able to afford all that I need PLUS save money for my desperately-desired trip to R. But I think I need to take a bit more time for me at this particular point in time... and my parents always fill in the food gaps if I have any. All I can do at this point is just make sure that whatever food I do buy is on sale, and is generally healthy. More fruit if I can, more veg (haven't been eating any), no fries and junk and general crap. If I cut out the junk and fries and stuff, that's probably at least 10-15 extra dollars right there. Which could go towards veg and such. Though I may have to use the white pasta and brown rice in my cupboard (both high GI), but at least I can pair it with high-protein foods and then also have dairy with it (which without added sugar is relatively low GI, at least if it comes from a cow).

I'm also working on adding some non-vegetarian things back into my diet... which will sound really f*cking stupid, given that I'm an ethical vegetarian, unless I tell you why. You see, when I go to R, I will have to eat meat. If I don't, my protein will be almost non-existent. The people I'll be staying with only have one rooster a week, and then eggs sometimes. This, as you can gather, isn't even adequate protein for a normal person, let alone minus the meat. So if I want protein, meat is going to have to happen there. They live in a very poor rural part of the country, and it's a poor country ANYway, so protein is a rare and valued commodity. In fact, I am actually looking into buying a compound bow, one of those funny bows with wheels and three strings and gadgetry, so I can hunt when I'm there. It's a skill that none of the girls have, but if I can get my hands on the bow and a sight and practice a lot, it will be a skill that I'll have, and it has the potential to help them out a lot.

My bigger problem will be finding the places that have game the girls (and my friend) are willing to eat. For example, would my friend eat rodent (like mouse or shrew)? Would the Rwandan girls eat that? I'm sure any of them would eat bird, rabbit, or wild hog. But I would love to be able to hunt bigger game, particularly the several types of deer/moose equivalent they have over there, and if I'm to do that and actually take an animal down with a bow and arrows, it needs to be a compound bow. Compounds shoot with much more force for much less drawback, and are a lot easier to aim. They are definitely the ideal hunting bow. You would need a 60, 70, 80lbs draw on a recurve to even come close to killing deer; on a compound your draw will be 50 or 60 and it will work, plus when you actually pull it back it will feel way lighter than that. I practiced with an 11lbs draw compound (a Lil Banshee youth compound) and it shot with the same force as my 25lbs recurve, but felt much lighter to pull back (and requires no constant force to keep back once drawn). So a 50 or 60lbs draw on a compound is probably going to feel more like 35-40lbs on a recurve, but it will have the force of an 80-100lbs recurve, which is the sort of force you need to hunt large game like a deer or moose equivalent.

And, yes, I've checked extinction statuses, etc... almost all of them are low-level status, meaning there are plenty of them. So assuming it's legal to hunt there (I'm guessing it is, or nobody's really going to pay that much attention if it's not), and presuming I can find a decent hunting spot or two, there is definite potential to get much more protein on the table for all of us. Which would be great for all our health. It is also a skill that's possibly marketable, if at some point I decided I wanted to stay. Of course, I'd have to learn how to gut, clean, and slice all the meat (which I kind of shiver at the thought of), as well as how to remove a hide so it's whole and sellable, but I have to be able to CATCH the game first. So the starting step is to get the compound bow with a sight, and learn to shoot well with it.

I'm guessing I can recruit a man, or a few, to hunt with me, which I'll probably need for protection and assistance (if we have to bring back heavy loads) regardless. Because while the wilderness may be full of game, there are also a lot of animals in R that would really like to eat a human -- all sorts of big cats, for example. And then there are monsters like rhinos and hippos that you just want to avoid because, well, if they trample you you're dead, and a bow probably isn't going to penetrate such a thick animal. The bigger problem is that I'm pretty sure all these animals are high on the extinction list and therefore not supposed to be killed... but, frankly, if I'm being chased down by a leopard or tiger somewhere, and it won't leave me alone, I'm going to HAVE to kill it. I don't know... maybe I can let the men have the skin and keep most of the meat in a case like that. I certainly wouldn't want to be wandering around trying to sell an illegal animal pelt.

Anyway, I guess this really went off topic, but... I am going to try to start eating things with gelatin in them. Like "regular" yogurts (non-organic ones). Even this is really difficult for me -- I've been avoiding doing it, been buying my same old organic yogurts -- but there would be a major cost difference if I ate regular yogurt (those actually go on sale, whereas the organic rarely does, and even then it's never much of a sale), and it would get me back into at least eating dead animal products, which would hopefully mean I wouldn't get violently ill the first time I ate meat (chicken or something white, because eating beef or pork your first time after a long time meatless can make you sick as a dog no matter what you've been doing). I don't want to do this preparation, but I feel like for my body to have to best chance, I need to do it. So on my next grocery list goes... gelatin yogurt. Ughhhhh.

I've written enough for one entry! I hope you guys are all doing well. Love you all.

so completely dissociative and mentally fucked right now.

but i can’t say i mind it. in fact, it’s preferable to my normal states, which include feeling like shit, feeling sad, being incredibly angry, lashing out at my friends, and being really fucking suicidal. i mean, compared to any one of those things, dissociation is GREAT.

it’s like i’m flying on a fucking cloud of emptiness, and i’m so happy to just be able to relax there and drift around like some drunken idiot. i swerve and dip and dive all over the place but i’m not even THERE, i’m just floating, up in space, brain mostly gone

Today I am 99 lbs. Ninety nine. Pounds. That’s a BMI of 17.1. How the FUCK did I manage to achieve this one!? I swear to fucking god that my scale is outright lying to me. I do NOT look 99. I look maybe 102, 103… but 99? No fucking way. (You’d never think a few pounds would make so much difference in looks, but it really does, at BMIs in the underweight region.)

This scale is seriously constantly fucking with my head. I don’t know how I dropped 2 lbs in two days, or how my weight was so low in the first fucking place. I don’t understand how I can be dropping weight so rapidly when I’m not even in MASSIVE restriction mode (strict restriction, but not massive). I don’t understand it at all. There’s really no use in even trying. Apparently, it’s happening. I don’t get it, but there it is. Supposedly, scales don’t lie.

I just wish I could NOT BE SO FUCKING MINDFUCKED ALL THE TIME.

100.2 lbs. Even though I fucking binged on cereal last night. BODY, YOU ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD. This makes my BMI 17.3… technically under the threshold for anorexia. But I got my period this morning, so, whoops, there goes that diagnosis. And according to my psychiatrist I don’t actually have an eating disorder anyway, so LALALA here I go with my ANOREXIC BMI NON EATING DISORDERED THING.

I don’t know why I’m typing in caps so much. Maybe because this all feels ridiculously RIDICULOUS to me. It IS. I do NOT look like someone with a bmi of 17.3. I do NOT look like I weigh 100 lbs. So it is ridiculous. Completely and utterly so. I think I must have fallen down the rabbit hole in the last two days, because everything is completely mad and strange around here, and I can’t wrap my head around it.

Voice lesson in about half an hour. Whoop dee fucking doo. My teacher’s been gone for like three weeks, and I haven’t practiced at all, so I don’t expect much. Whatever. I’m finding it harder and harder to actually care. It’s not like I have the capability to be a concert singer, so in the long run it means nothing. So it doesn’t actually matter if I care or not.

Time to try and shovel some coffee in my mouth before I leave.

Yet Another New Scale

So tonight I realized I had enough money to buy a new scale… and 20 minutes later I was walking to the bus stop, despite the really crappy weather we’re having tonight. I bought another Weight Watchers one because, although I really HATE supporting a diet corporation in any way, I needed an accurate scale, and at Walmart the Weight Watchers scales are by far the best. (The rest of them are pieces of shit.) There were two models — one that looked like my last one, the scale I destroyed by bow and arrow fire, and then a sleek looking, slightly smaller footspace-wise, black one. I decided to get the black one because, well, it looked cool, it was the same company, and, hey, change is good, right?

Turns out the scale is absolutely FREEZING to step on with my bare feet… maybe it’ll be better tomorrow after it’s spent the night in a warm cupboard. But anyway, after one weight of 102.7, I stepped on it again and it read 101.1. Then I groaned to myself and thought, “Oh, shit, did I just buy a dud?” But… apparently not. It kept reading 101.1 every time after that… three times in a row, and then I moved it from the living room to the kitchen and stepped on it again. Still 101.1.

Once I realized that number might actually be true, I thought, “What the actual fuck? I can’t possibly weigh that little.” And I still don’t see it at all. Like, not at ALL. I feel that I look to be at least 105. My hipbones are a little visible, but not THAT much, and my belly still sticks out, and I still have massive boobs. How the bloody HELL can I be 101.1? It’s a complete mindfuck. I honestly, truly do not understand how I could possibly weigh that little. It makes me think the scale must be lying.

But I have time yet to get used to the new scale, break it in, see if it’s trustworthy… so we’ll figure out in time if it’s actually accurate. I can’t even imagine how my weight could be lower tomorrow morning, but usually that is the pattern; no matter how much of my fluids I’ve peed out during the day, and no matter how little I’ve eaten, I usually still weigh more at night than in the morning. Again, we’ll see… I just… I don’t know. I am truly, seriously mindfucked at this moment.

On another note entirely, we’re having our first real snowfall of the year, and shit keeps creaking and groaning above me… and I’m not sure the person who lives upstairs is even home. So this, of course, makes me very very scared. I’m sitting here afraid the house is gonna collapse on me or something. I’ve literally NEVER heard sounds like that from upstairs before — not even during the bad hurricane we got this year. Creeeeeepy….

Anyway, that’s all I really wanted to say. Long story short: I am mindfucked. Really truly. And as a result, I am also very very confused. HOW IN ACTUAL HELL IS THIS EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE.  

Don't remember what I wrote last time. Don't care. If there's something I write that doesn't make sense, you can ask about it.

So apparently I'm back to restricting. Only for like the last 2 days, but it doesn't have that "it's going to end soon" feeling. I b/ped earlier because I was so desperate to eat some of the new food in my house but I absolutely could not keep any of it in. I had binge urges later in the night but I staved it off for quite awhile, then allowed 1 Greek yogurt. Earlier I had a pear and an individual portion of cheese (some of which apparently came up with the binge). And of course there was the cream/milk in my coffees. (I had two.)

It feels like so much food. Especially considering the calories in the coffees. But the truth is that my body is literally begging for more, and I can see myself heading down a path really fast where I'm b/ping every day to keep the restriction going. That's what I did last time I was restricting, and I can't see it changing anytime soon. It's the only way I can simultaneously deal with the food obsession, keep hunger away, and still lose weight. Coffee keeps hunger away but if I drink more than a cup at a time I start getting really angry and irritable and just really awful-feeling. I wish caffeine didn't do that to me, but apparently that's how my body handles it. Cigarettes, if I was to pick up smoking again, give me good, non-anxious energy but make me REALLY hungry. Diet soda only stops hunger for a short while, then my body gets a little hungrier than it was before, because I think it expects sugar because I just drank something sweet, but all it gets is aspartame. So it's like... I have no real options. Any other drink would either have more artificial sweetener or just be water, and water's the WORST thing to drink if I don't want to be hungry (it makes me famished). And I am really not a tea person... not that I'm convinced it would make me much less hungry.

How to be less hungry? I have been devoting so much thought to it. Or ways to outsmart the hunger, such that even if I want to binge, I do not. Like right after I take my night meds. They make me soooo FUCKING hungry. Stupid Seroquel is the cause of that. But without that exact dose I can't stay mentally stable. So I get into bed, allow myself to daydream about the food if I want, then wait for the sedation/sleep to take me over. Also I make sure to drink like 2 cups worth of fluid with the meds, which temporarily tricks the body into thinking I'm full-ish -- long enough to get to sleep.

I'm already colder. Of course the weight loss doesn't really show yet, but I lost weight a week or two ago and almost all of THAT weight loss seems to be back. Maybe a couple more pounds till I'm back there. I don't know the exact number because I don't have a scale... but I plan on changing that. I feel like I need to know the number to be SURE I'm actually losing weight, instead of tricking myself into thinking I am. How can I be sure my metabolism doesn't fuck up on me? Things like that. I need certainty. And my brain, of course, loves obsessing about numbers everything.

As for other things... I am getting horridly avoidant. I think it has a big role in ED coming back, actually. What better way to avoid a) responsibility in the world and b) my own strong emotions and mood swings, than making myself eating disordered? Nobody expects me to do anything if I'm weak and malnourished, and if I starve long enough I go numb and feel almost nothing. So, yes, I guess part of this is purposeful -- but part of it is because the outside world, and outside committments, have become absolutely terrifying to me, and I feel I can't explain why with the REAL reason and have anybody understand. I feel sure, for example, that my psychiatrist would tell me something like, "Just keep going and doing it... it will get easier." But it WON'T. I mean, soon the choirs would have performances, and in one of the choirs we have a choir dress, which not only was made full-length sleeved only on my gown (scars) but also may or may not fit me if my weight is bouncing around. I told her to order it too big if she wasn't sure, so she ordered the size 8 based on, I believe, my stomach measurements (it would have been a 6 otherwise). Because that's where I ALWAYS get fat first, because I'm an apple shape. Meanwhile my arms stay tiny and my thighs grow some, but I can still see most of the bones on the sides of my knees, and on my ankles the round bones still stick out greatly on either side. This remains so even when my belly and lower back grow fat, and I have to up my pants size, and I can't see my hipbones anymore. I mean, what gives?? That's just fucked up.

Anyway, performances just create more and more anxiety, because then I worry about screwing up, even more so than in practice... and of course we're on display in front of people, and I wonder if I've slipped a sleeve a bit and anyone can see my scars, or if my stomach looks huge, or if people are looking at me and thinking I'm too small, or what people are thinking when they see me. And maybe it's overthinking, but it won't even be a thought process when it happens -- it'll just be a horrible, awful dread of even going. Which it's become already. I can't see the situation IMPROVING when all that will happen is learning more and more repertoire, and doing between the two choirs probably at least 4-6 performances minimum. How the fuck is somebody avoidant, terrified of what people think of her and how they will judge her, supposed to deal with that shit? Apparently... I just can't. Well, unless I have ED. But ED will quickly make me far too weak to sing, so I still can't go to choir and participate the way I need to. But it's easier to blame it on "having a hard time" with the ED instead of admitting how crazy my brain is. I don't know. The whole thing is stupid, but I've never learned how to deal with the avoidant parts of my head, so I still have no idea how. All I know to do when I get that terrified is to run, run, run.

Now that I've done this, though... retreated... I am much calmer in everyday life. I can think about different things now, like finally changing the cat's litterbox, or actually cleaning my kitchen, or doing a bunch of things on Instagram with my fandom. I was spending every ounce of mental energy before merely on surviving the day. Memory? Forget it. Dates, times, numbers, names... any specifics would completely go out of my head. I couldn't remember a damned thing. My memory still isn't the greatest at this point, but it's a lot better than it was. I remember some things that people say to me now. Whereas during the last couple of weeks before restriction I can't even tell you what I did on any particular day, or who I talked to, or what we said. Generalities for some things maybe, but the specifics are all gone. How is that any way to live a life?

And, yes, I know ED is no way to live a life, either. But the fact of the matter is that I don't have ANY idea how to live a normal life. I've never been normal, and ever since the parts of me that are diagnosable have exploded, I've felt absolutely out of control when it comes to what my head decides to do to me. Unless... I take ED into my hands. Unless I control what goes in, and what goes out. Unless, when I decide the number on the scale WILL drop, it DOES drop. It's the only way I've figured out that actually keeps the chaos at bay for a little while. And for a borderline girl with dysthymia, anxiety, and avoidant traits... keeping chaos at bay is a damned blessing.

And, really, if either way my day to day life is hardly liveable, and I remember things more and enjoy things better in this moment when I have ED, is it such a bad thing? I know it will get worse later. But my life still won't be any worse than it was. With BPD I'm in emotional agony most of the day, with mood swings and extreme reactivity to life situations that I can't control most of the time. With dysthymia I'm constantly doubting the world and everything in it, not to mention myself, and I doubt the meaning of existence -- I doubt that human beings have any ACTUAL purpose, and I'm de-energized, and I don't have a whole lot of hope for my future when I'm like that. As you can imagine, the two intermingle very badly, and my days can be pretty fucking awful without much ever happening. And when things DO happen... well, that's when I have major crashes, like cuts that need a bunch of stitches, or suicide attempts.

And the avoidant thing... well, when things get really bad or really stressful, I bolt. I don't even attempt to have intimate(romantic) relationships because even the thought of it feels so overwhelming. And I just don't do dating. I would want to go out with someone, and I would want to know them fairly well before it ever became a relationship. I could do courtship better than dating... that is, IF I wasn't gay. The lesbian community is pretty big not only on dating, but on getting very attached very quickly. I couldn't handle that. So not only can I not have a relationship ANYway, the tendency for people I'm attracted to is exactly the opposite of my own proclivities. I always need to take things slowly, so I don't get overwhelmed. I honestly don't think many lesbian or bisexual girls would understand that, especially if they've lived in that fast lane of lesbian culture for any period of time. Courtship is seen as a very old and conservative ritual anyway, and the lesbian community is, of course, generally extremely liberal, and also extremely sexual. I may be liberal myself in terms of social values, but I am very conservative with relationships. Which just isn't acceptable to most people in the culture, or so I've gathered. Lovely extra HUGE barrier put in my way.

I just... can't figure out my place in this world. And I have so much going on mood- and anxiety-wise that unless I have a place, a purpose, something to wake up for every day, it's simply too strong to fight. It's the purpose that would give me the will to carry on. I know that if I had a reason, a REAL reason, to live, I could and would fight against every obstacle in my way, including all this disordered shit. Only I don't have that kind of reason. I am not spiritual; I am agnostic, but I'm more of an atheistic agnostic. I don't believe in any religion I've ever heard of, except maybe some aspects of paganism, and only because I know that most of the forces of nature are much stronger than humans. (Don't hurricanes kill humans and tear down very solid infrastructures? Don't fires burn houses to the ground? Can't floods wipe out entire bridges, roads, cities?) I have no religion or spiritual anything to cling to for hope or purpose. I refuse to let myself believe in something I know I don't believe in just so I can have that comfort. So... where is the purpose? What is the reason for living?

I've been having an existential crisis for years. Add to that BPD, dysthymic disorder, traits of avoidant personality disorder, and EDNOS... and you've got one totally fucked-up girl. I can't keep a job, and I can't go to school full time. I live in social assistance. I spend a lot of days alone with my computer, iPhone, Kobo eReader, and books -- and I'm mostly completely okay with that. In fact, right now I prefer it. The Internet and my phone are my ways to socialize, and there's a lot of stuff I can do with all these things at my disposal. I can keep myself occupied. I can find someone to talk to anytime, even if no friends are on and all I can do is go on Omegle and talk to a random stranger who also has the interest "depression". Hell, I could go on tinychat. There's no limit, really, on the Internet. It's like NYC, only it's the world that never sleeps. The more-than-a-world. The Internet as a whole really is so much bigger and grander than the world. And don't take that as internet worshipping or something dumb like that -- I just realize how much power it can and does have on lives every single day. It changed my own life completely. And without it, I would not be writing these words that you are now reading, and I would certainly not have another outlet for any of the things I've written here.

I'm tired now and should take sleep meds... and NOT BINGE... I will NOT FUCKING BINGE!!! My stomach can shut up and go to hell. I'm just sick of all this shit, and I want out. Whatever form that has to take. I want out.

I don’t know where I stand anymore.

Life is stressful and upsetting, and I’m starting to hate everything. Also I’ve gained weight, and I can see it, and also had it verified today on my aunt’s scale. I destroyed mine, but I can’t seem to stay off other people’s if they have them on display in their washrooms. For all these reasons, and probably more, ED really wants back in.

My debate and problem now will be: Should I let it? Or should I continue to eat, and live in misery for god knows how long?

Everything small or medium that happens to me blows up into a major thing. So every major thing, of course, is catastrophic. My emotions go up and down freely, and I have no way to control the swings they have. I am angry at almost everything and everyone, most particularly authority figures, all the negative -isms and -phobias, all the injustices in the world, and all the horrible things that happen on this planet. It’s a lot to be angry about, and so I’m hells of angry much of the time. But I also hurt so easily, and, again, what would be small things to other people blow up much bigger for me. Every emotion I have gets magnified times fifty compared to “normal” people. How am I supposed to live with this constant roller coaster — which, when it lets up, leads me either into a frenzied anxiety or a really shitty-feeling depression?

I don’t know how to fucking cope, and I never did. That’s my problem now; it has always been my problem; I don’t know how to make it not my problem.

I need help, but I won’t accept what I’ve been offered.
What I’ve been offered is inadequate.
The only person I have to rely on is me.

I don’t know if I can rely on me. 

It’s so strange... but I feel like ED is no longer a part of my life. Not that I don’t have the thoughts sometimes, urges, whatever, but… it is actually, for the first time since I got the ED, not at ALL welcome. I started voice lessons again recently (after over 6 years of illnesses), to train classically, and I can tell that with my new teacher there is absolutely HUGE potential for me to grow in my voice and performance. And I’m in two choirs as well, with directors I really like and members who love singing — and one of the choirs is actually doing classical repertoire, so I’m actually being challenged. And I just... well, I love it. Truly love.

Singing is, for me, pure joy. True joy. And not only that, but it’s one of exactly two things I think I have the most talent for in this world, creatively speaking. I haven’t felt joy in a VERY long time — so long that I can’t even remember when the last time was. High school, maybe. But more importantly, with the return of my singing I feel like I truly have something to live for now — and I don’t have to try so frigging hard just to tolerate my life, because I truly, legitimately LIKE my life now. And, because of all this, I feel that non-ED and non-borderline (or as close as I can get) is just a default, because it has to be. Disorder isn’t an option if this joy is to continue. And after so, so many years of horrible, awful misery and pain, I am not taking a single moment of my joy for granted.

I think it’s about fucking time I got my own back. If you’ll pardon my language. And I will not be stopped.