Another set of backdated entries from the forum I make posts at. There is nothing more recent than March 5th, but that's because I haven't been writing anything.
January 31st, 2010
There was a lot I meant to write here and didn't. Let's try and put it in a small-ish nutshell. Called about emotions group; got an appointment set up with dietician in two weeks; am still b/ping, and also eating less in between times; starting to think recovery might be a fucking joke, for all I can do with it.
I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I can't keep myself on the straight and narrow, and I don't see how anyone else can, either, so it appears to me that I'm just bloody screwed.
February 7th, 2010
Things are still basically going exactly the same as they were the last time I wrote. Restriction. B/ping. I've spent almost all my money from last cheque; the next one doesn't come for another eight days.
Saw my GP last Thursday about getting a medical withdrawal for student loan from last semester, and she did agree to fill out the form for me. However, she didn't exactly think going back and doing a course over the summer was a good idea. I feel that I am obliged to tell the career counsellor I'm seeing that my doctor doesn't recommend I do a course this summer, and I'm slightly incensed about it. I just keep thinking, "What the hell am I going to do with my summer if I don't do a course?" For how long, exactly, can I deal with the emptiness of this life I lead? I mean, yes, right now my days are fuller, what with going to the ED clinic two days of the week (soon to be three, if I get into emotions group), and doing therapy, and seeing my social worker, and now seeing this career counsellor person... but that won't continue forever. Eventually all of it will stop, and after it does I'm going to have to find something to do. I can't really spend all day every day on my computer or watching TV, can I? You know? Not to mention that doing this will certainly not give me any motivation to recover, since I will feel that my life is completely useless, and will therefore want to act out on ED symptoms even more.
I guess I just want some guarantee that SOME of my time will be spent doing something useful or productive in the longer term. Especially because if things keep going the way they are going, I don't know how long they will actually keep me at this clinic. I am feeling very little motivation to change my behaviors at this point, and if I don't they will kick me out eventually. Yet part of me doesn't want that, either... knows that this is kind of a do-it-or-fall situation, and I don't want to completely fall. Yet I seem to be willing to tolerate a lot more ED-wise the last few weeks. Is ANY breaking point ever going to be enough for me? Am I just getting complacent? Do I need someone to kick me solidly in the ass before I'll do shit? Why am I not motivated anymore? How am I coming to any level of comfort with restricting and b/ping, when it felt like torture before? I guess I don't... really get it. I shouldn't be able to be any significant level of okay when restricting, one would think, and yet, somehow, I am.
Strange phases.
February 18th, 2010
There's really only one thing to say, and that is: My life is becoming a bulimic nightmare. All I seem to want to do is binge. I'm doing my best to eat more during the day, and keep it in, but no matter how much I eat I just want to binge binge binge. I cannot stop myself from binging.
Fuck my life.
March 5th, 2010
I can't really write lately. I don't know why. I don't write anywhere. This [forum] would be the first place if I was going to. I just... don't write.
I'm eating. I'm fat. Last time I saw a scale was at my friend's, at night, fully food-loaded and wearing clothes; the scale said 119. It was a crappy analog scale, so who knows how accurate it was, but still. It's a good thing my true weight was 115 or less, because 119 is FAR TOO HIGH. I was 52kg at the dietician's office a few weeks ago, with some food weight and clothes, which means I've gained anyway, which I knew. I've gained because I'm a fucking fatass. Which, again, I already knew.
I'm still fucking eating and whatever, and I'm not b/ping as much, so I'm fine, right? I'm fine. And I don't deserve the ED clinic's attention... not that I think I need it most of the time. The dietician after this week only wants to see me once every second week, because I am eating the meal plan, or at least some approximation of it (sometimes I'm fatter and eat different grosser things, or more than the plan; rarely, I skip exchanges, but usually make up for it calorie-wise later in the day), so what else can she do for me I suppose. Not that I particularly want to go every week; but the fact that I don't need to just means I'm willing to eat, and be this weight, which means I'm fat.
I wish eating and being the weight that I am didn't make me fat, but it does. All I want to do is lose the weight, but I know that way misery lies. Yet I don't seem to be much less miserable, ED-wise, maintaining. Yet I can live life more fully when I eat. Yet that same life often scares me so much.
Mind fucks.
Maybe I'll do a more recent update sometime later. I've been meaning to, anyway.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Somehow I am tolerating life right now. I think it's just because I'm b/ping all the freaking time, and also getting a little more scared about what I'm eating. Everything seems like too much. Especially full meal plan compliance. I'm not quite sure how this recovery thing is going to work.
My depression/dysthymia is acting up a bit lately, I think. My memory kind of sucks a little. I want to sleep a lot more. Not so many things actually interest me. My level of apathy is fairly astounding lately, in fact. That being said, though, there are also times when the anxiety hits me, anxiety because of feeling empty and lonely, or overwhelmed by all the things I'm supposed to do, and I never know how to deal with it. Never, that is, except for when I use ED. I seem to use ED to deal with, well, every feeling ever. Which is not productive.
Then again, I am unproductive. Boring. Listless. Lost. Unmotivated. There is a big void inside me; my life is a big void. I am trying to put things in it, but it is like lining the bottom of a tall, round vase with a thin layer of sand. There's something there, and the vase won't fall over, but the hollowness around and in it is massive and cannot be ignored. And I simply do not have any more sand.
My depression/dysthymia is acting up a bit lately, I think. My memory kind of sucks a little. I want to sleep a lot more. Not so many things actually interest me. My level of apathy is fairly astounding lately, in fact. That being said, though, there are also times when the anxiety hits me, anxiety because of feeling empty and lonely, or overwhelmed by all the things I'm supposed to do, and I never know how to deal with it. Never, that is, except for when I use ED. I seem to use ED to deal with, well, every feeling ever. Which is not productive.
Then again, I am unproductive. Boring. Listless. Lost. Unmotivated. There is a big void inside me; my life is a big void. I am trying to put things in it, but it is like lining the bottom of a tall, round vase with a thin layer of sand. There's something there, and the vase won't fall over, but the hollowness around and in it is massive and cannot be ignored. And I simply do not have any more sand.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Yay for backdated entries, again.
Sunday, January 24th, 2010
So on Friday I got two calls from the ED clinic, for two of the groups. On Mondays I'm supposed to do the body esteem group, and on Tuesdays a group called wellness group, which I think is supposed to focus on day-to-day wellness and stuff like that. I am not sure how I feel about this, but I'm going to try it. I have my first group tomorrow.
Been b/ping as per normal. Everything else in life is going fairly okay. I guess I don't have so much that I want to report.
Monday, January 25th, 2010
Had the body esteem group today. It was actually a lot better / more relevant than I had thought it might be. I think I will continue with it and see where it goes from here.
I have my first wellness group tomorrow. All I can really hope is that my first impression of that group is as good as the impression from body esteem. Well, and I also hope both groups continue to go well. We will see on both counts, I guess.
Didn't eat all my exchanges today, though, and have b/ped twice. I kind of feel like I am failing at recovery. But whatever. It may all fall down around me... but it's not like that hasn't happened before. Right now I do not particularly 100% care. Whatever happens happens. Maybe I will get more motivated as the weeks go by, and I actually see the program dietician, etc.
Sunday, January 24th, 2010
So on Friday I got two calls from the ED clinic, for two of the groups. On Mondays I'm supposed to do the body esteem group, and on Tuesdays a group called wellness group, which I think is supposed to focus on day-to-day wellness and stuff like that. I am not sure how I feel about this, but I'm going to try it. I have my first group tomorrow.
Been b/ping as per normal. Everything else in life is going fairly okay. I guess I don't have so much that I want to report.
Monday, January 25th, 2010
Had the body esteem group today. It was actually a lot better / more relevant than I had thought it might be. I think I will continue with it and see where it goes from here.
I have my first wellness group tomorrow. All I can really hope is that my first impression of that group is as good as the impression from body esteem. Well, and I also hope both groups continue to go well. We will see on both counts, I guess.
Didn't eat all my exchanges today, though, and have b/ped twice. I kind of feel like I am failing at recovery. But whatever. It may all fall down around me... but it's not like that hasn't happened before. Right now I do not particularly 100% care. Whatever happens happens. Maybe I will get more motivated as the weeks go by, and I actually see the program dietician, etc.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Followed my meal plan all day; b/ped three times tonight. Seems about normal to me, which is kind of sad. I actually tried to follow supper and night snack as normal, but it was all surrounded with the b/ping, so I know I did not keep in the totality of either meal or snack. However, it's quite possible that I kept in extra cals from the binges, so to me it kind of evens out. Or something.
Haven't heard from clinic yet. Dropped off my psychology evals to them on Wednesday, since I decided to do them a few nights before that, but I was only there for about three seconds. I'm starting to get slightly anxious about the lack of communication. I just thought I'd've heard from them by now. Evidently not.
I am attempting to put myself back on a more normal sleep schedule. I had been getting up at about 12 or 1 every day and going to bed at 2 or 3... which, yes, also means I've been sleeping far too much. However, this sleep pattern has meant I've gotten very little time in during daylight hours, and also that my later hours are spent not being able to go anywhere or do anything, since nothing's really open after 10 or 11. When I used to go to bed by 11 or 12, and get up at more like 9 or 10 every day, I think I did feel better generally... more alive, more in tune with the world, what have you. So I started getting up earlier yesterday, which is the only day I am usually required to be up early. However, I actually had an appointment with a career counsellor from income support this morning, and I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow morning, and I'm going out for coffee with my mom on Saturday morning. I think the universe is trying to tell me something, somehow. :P
Speaking of career counselling... there is a possibility I may be able to get funding to do some courses at university! The program I'm doing, which is supposed to help young people go back to the work force or to school, has funding until October, so I may be able to do a course over the summer and then do a full course load in September, provided I feel ready for both those steps. I definitely think I could handle at least a course over the summer. I really want to do a full-time courseload in September, but we'll have to see how I feel about it when it comes time. Then again, I'm not sure how easily I could pass up the opportunity to do something productive AND have it funded. I really really hope I am feeling in a place to handle it by then. Doing so would also mean I'd get to keep my parents' awesome insurance for the final year I'm eligible (I'm only covered until I'm 25, and only as an adult if I'm in school full time). So here's hoping I am up for it.
Haven't heard from clinic yet. Dropped off my psychology evals to them on Wednesday, since I decided to do them a few nights before that, but I was only there for about three seconds. I'm starting to get slightly anxious about the lack of communication. I just thought I'd've heard from them by now. Evidently not.
I am attempting to put myself back on a more normal sleep schedule. I had been getting up at about 12 or 1 every day and going to bed at 2 or 3... which, yes, also means I've been sleeping far too much. However, this sleep pattern has meant I've gotten very little time in during daylight hours, and also that my later hours are spent not being able to go anywhere or do anything, since nothing's really open after 10 or 11. When I used to go to bed by 11 or 12, and get up at more like 9 or 10 every day, I think I did feel better generally... more alive, more in tune with the world, what have you. So I started getting up earlier yesterday, which is the only day I am usually required to be up early. However, I actually had an appointment with a career counsellor from income support this morning, and I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow morning, and I'm going out for coffee with my mom on Saturday morning. I think the universe is trying to tell me something, somehow. :P
Speaking of career counselling... there is a possibility I may be able to get funding to do some courses at university! The program I'm doing, which is supposed to help young people go back to the work force or to school, has funding until October, so I may be able to do a course over the summer and then do a full course load in September, provided I feel ready for both those steps. I definitely think I could handle at least a course over the summer. I really want to do a full-time courseload in September, but we'll have to see how I feel about it when it comes time. Then again, I'm not sure how easily I could pass up the opportunity to do something productive AND have it funded. I really really hope I am feeling in a place to handle it by then. Doing so would also mean I'd get to keep my parents' awesome insurance for the final year I'm eligible (I'm only covered until I'm 25, and only as an adult if I'm in school full time). So here's hoping I am up for it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Written yesterday.
Ballooning. Scale today said 113. BMI of that would be 19.5. I guess it's possible that I'm retaining water, as I've been b/ping at least 2-3 times a day for the last week or more, but not much of it is water. I'm just getting fat.
Funny thing is, I hardly care. I seem to not care about so much these days. I just have this little blank void-ish thing going on, and I seem to be... not content with that, but not fighting it, either. Content would not be an appropriate word to describe how I feel about anything in my life these days, but nor am I ridiculously upset. I guess I am keeping myself in a very neutral, rather emotionless spot with all this b/ping.
However, I feel like there's some kind of emotional tidal wave beneath all this, which would overwhelm me if I stopped b/ping... which is why I don't stop b/ping. Last night I resisted an urge to eat, not even for a very long time, and all at once anxiety threatened to overwhelm me. Don't ask me why not being able to eat would cause such a reaction. All I know is that I don't feel I can handle any such reactions, and so I don't even try to. I just give in to all my food urges, which always involve eating massive quantities of either salty or sweet junk foods. And then I purge when I get hideously full, to avoid getting sick, to avoid gaining weight. Not that the avoiding gaining weight plan seems to be working very well... but I can't imagine where my weight would be right now if I was keeping all this shit IN. Doesn't bear thinking about.
So... yay for non-emotional states? I dunno. I feel very dry and blah. But I'm sure soon enough what I'm doing will no longer be sufficient to stem the tidal wave, and I will begin to suffer again. Already there are tiny cracks in the armor. And once that happens I'm not exactly sure what I will do, but I doubt it will be anything pretty.
Ballooning. Scale today said 113. BMI of that would be 19.5. I guess it's possible that I'm retaining water, as I've been b/ping at least 2-3 times a day for the last week or more, but not much of it is water. I'm just getting fat.
Funny thing is, I hardly care. I seem to not care about so much these days. I just have this little blank void-ish thing going on, and I seem to be... not content with that, but not fighting it, either. Content would not be an appropriate word to describe how I feel about anything in my life these days, but nor am I ridiculously upset. I guess I am keeping myself in a very neutral, rather emotionless spot with all this b/ping.
However, I feel like there's some kind of emotional tidal wave beneath all this, which would overwhelm me if I stopped b/ping... which is why I don't stop b/ping. Last night I resisted an urge to eat, not even for a very long time, and all at once anxiety threatened to overwhelm me. Don't ask me why not being able to eat would cause such a reaction. All I know is that I don't feel I can handle any such reactions, and so I don't even try to. I just give in to all my food urges, which always involve eating massive quantities of either salty or sweet junk foods. And then I purge when I get hideously full, to avoid getting sick, to avoid gaining weight. Not that the avoiding gaining weight plan seems to be working very well... but I can't imagine where my weight would be right now if I was keeping all this shit IN. Doesn't bear thinking about.
So... yay for non-emotional states? I dunno. I feel very dry and blah. But I'm sure soon enough what I'm doing will no longer be sufficient to stem the tidal wave, and I will begin to suffer again. Already there are tiny cracks in the armor. And once that happens I'm not exactly sure what I will do, but I doubt it will be anything pretty.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thought I'd post some journal entries from the other site I update to, as they will explain pretty well where I am right now in terms of ED.
January 4th, 2010
Wish I could say I was facing my issues right now. I suppose I'm not.
On Saturday I was 109.4 lbs. Today: 109.6. This puts me at a BMI of about 18.9. I am pretty unimpressed by the fact that I managed to gain two fucking pounds over Christmas, even though, aside from one or two days, I didn't feel like I actually ate a ginormous amount. I wonder if it was the change to a lot of sugary calories that did it. I've always suspected that my weight does unspeakable things where sugar is involved. I swear I need to follow a practically diabetic diet not to gain weight from sugar. It fucking rots me, because I have a sweet tooth, and intuitively I seem to want to eat a lot of carbs, and sweet things. So when I follow my intuition I gain weight. Is it any wonder I'm afraid to follow my damned intuition?
I know this weight gain is supposedly "healthy" and all that, but it doesn't feel healthy. It just makes me feel fat. Pretty soon I'm going to gain even more weight and not even fit in my clothes anymore (even though I have other, bigger clothes), and then I'm not just going to feel fat... I'm going to BE fat. I am so tired of being motherfucking FAT. WHY is it that every time I eat "normally" I get fucking fat??? Aaaaaaagh.
I'm just tired of it. I want my 107 lbs back. Maybe I could just stay there instead of dropping 5 or 6 lbs below. Body doesn't like that so much. But maybe it could like 107. I don't want it to like 109. I can't fathom it liking anything higher. Very soon I will no longer be considered "skinny" or "small" by my stats. And I want to be small in EVERY way. Not just in what people see. I want the numbers to work too.
WHY do I always have to weigh more than I look? Why can't I just have a more normal body type?
*head explodes*
January 5th, 2010
Had appointment with dietician today. I've been ridiculously triggered by this weight gain -- have wanted to go off the meal plan a lot. We kind of agreed that maybe I could do something midway between restricting and the old, full meal plan I was doing. I don't really know what that is yet, but I'll figure it out.
I'm ridiculously anxious today. Like, so anxious I feel sick. Part of it has to do with a situation with the guy who just moved in above me... he's a night owl and is always walking around above my head at like 12, 1, 2 in the morning, and his footsteps are LOUD. I tried to go to sleep last night, and it took about one step for me to come right awake again. I don't know how I'm supposed to get any sleep until very late if he can't stop the heavy footsteps. I've already talked to him about it, but I know he's going to forget intermittently, and then what am I supposed to do? There are nights when I have to sleep far earlier than those hours... before therapy and stuff like that. I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep with that noise. The guy who used to live above me must have had extremely light footsteps -- in any event, I never heard him walking around. This guy I hear ALL the fucking time. How am I supposed to get used to that?? I've never been able to sleep when random loud noises jar me awake. Even the earplugs don't block it out enough.
I mean, fuck. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now my sleep is threatened. And it just makes my anxiety sky-high, which makes me want to eat "enough" even less. I guess I do know that this apartment anxiety has nothing to do with the ED anxiety; but I hate the way this all feels. Hate it hate it hate it. And I don't see how I can escape from it. I am trying to tell myself that all things have an end -- maybe I could get a unit upstairs if someone moved out, maybe this guy will be able to get quieter, that sort of thing -- but I just don't know. Ugh.
To this a friend replied, in part: This can be something good love. You can do it. We're here for you..
January 6th, 2010
Three (basically complete) meals. One snack. I can do that. I think. I think I have to do that much, or my body will probably revolt. I don't want to start mad b/ping again, or even have cravings for mad b/ping. I am just having a really f***ing tough time with the food right now, and the weight gain. I'm still fairly healthy with this meal plan. Not FULLY healthy, but not super completely restrictive, either. I'm going to have to make do with this for now.
And thanks so much, R, for your support... it means a lot to me. I think I CAN do this, and I WILL do it... I just have to figure out a way to deal with my body first. I guess I'm being a little stubborn, but I simply can't deal with feeling like my weight is going to spiral out of control. So rather than losing weight, maybe I can at least decrease what I eat enough to maintain, or not gain much. I don't really know what my body will decide to do, to be honest. I just have to attempt to arrest this all somehow, for now, and see what happens. Tomorrow is a weigh-day (I do Mondays and Thursdays), so I guess at least I'll know then what the weight's doing. Not that I think I'll like it, whatever it is... but I have to know nonetheless. Not knowing at all is scarier to me than not liking what I see on the scale.
In reply to this, a friend then said: You know Niika you have made such good progress perhaps you could speak with your dietician to see about a meal plan that might help - for a temporary basis - to maintain? Rather then fiddling with the meal plan yourself it might be better to speak with and work with someone.
January 8th, 2010
Well, the dietician was the one who suggested that maybe I could do some sort of compromise between the full meal plan and going completely back to what I was doing... restricting binging purging. You know. And I don't really want to go back to what I was doing, either. I just can't deal with the weight continually increasing right now. I just can't. Not enough internal resources.
Was 109.6 again today when I weighed, so at least it's staying the same. Which is a comfort. My full ED instinct would be to lose the couple of lbs I gained over Christmas, but I'm at least trying to fight that one. Trying to not let it all go downwards, the way the disorder is kind of tugging at me to do. Just because it tugs at me doesn't mean I have to listen to it. But I don't want to send myself into an anxious, suicidal-y freakout state by forcing myself to do the full meal plan, either, and I fear that's what would happen. So I guess I'm putting the brakes on, to a degree, but I do think that's better than completely backpedalling. Right?
And, well, the b/ping is a separate issue, I guess. Been doing it at least once a day for the last few days. Have basically only purged binge food, at least, so I kept all the other stuff in. The problem is that I keep having urges to do it. It's really bloody annoying, to be honest. I don't necessarily WANT to do it, but my body is apparently too used to the old, full meal plan to let me get away easily with the lesser one. Oh well. I will deal with it, resist the urges, whenever possible.
I have an appointment with the psychologist from the ED clinic tomorrow. I guess she'll be doing the psychological assessment that day. She said I'd be there anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. So we'll see what happens. I had been at a point for awhile where I wasn't sure if I needed the clinic at all, but I think the happenings in the last week, with my weight and body image and all that business, have convinced me that maybe I need to do this. I'm sure I'll get a chance to explain at least some of that to the psychologist tomorrow, anyway. I'm trying not to overanalyze it the way I would like to do. I'm just going to let it be whatever it's going to be, and if I need their help then maybe I need it, and if I don't I'm sure they'll tell me. But maybe I do. Maybe I do.
January 16th, 2010
Had the psychology appointment. Didn't really do that much -- she just took some of my psychological history and whatnot. As psychologist interviews go, it was quite brief (maybe 45 mins) and "standard". Didn't feel too probed into. Had to talk about shit I didn't really want to talk about, like my history of suicide attempts, SI, etc, but that's pretty much inevitable. The ED clinic is gonna have to know all that sort of stuff if they're gonna treat me properly.
Been in a very very bulimic mode for the last... I dunno, week maybe? Been b/ping consistently at nighttimes. Been buying tons of binge food, going through an average of a 2L of diet soda a day, all that sort of shit. It's funny -- you'd think I'd be tired of this -- but I'm not. My motivation for stopping is pretty nil right now, if I'm being honest. It's not that I want to live my life forever as a bulimic -- it's just that bulimia seems so natural, so inevitable. It's just the way I have to operate day-to-day. It's just something I do. It doesn't feel like any sort of self-killing, life-changing thing... it's just there. It just is what it is. I dunno.
Haven't had a call from ED clinic from the dietician. That's the next step in this process. That, and I have to finish filling out the forms I was given. I already filled out the eating disorder inventory, but there's an inventory of mood/psychiatric symptoms that I have yet to fill out, and also some quality of life doodad. I haven't felt like filling either one of those out yet, so I've been putting it off. I figure whenever a dietician bothers to call me about an appointment will be plenty of time. Not like I won't be able to find a minute to do them. I'm pretty free these days.
So life continues along with bulimia, and I am apparently no different than I ever was.
January 4th, 2010
Wish I could say I was facing my issues right now. I suppose I'm not.
On Saturday I was 109.4 lbs. Today: 109.6. This puts me at a BMI of about 18.9. I am pretty unimpressed by the fact that I managed to gain two fucking pounds over Christmas, even though, aside from one or two days, I didn't feel like I actually ate a ginormous amount. I wonder if it was the change to a lot of sugary calories that did it. I've always suspected that my weight does unspeakable things where sugar is involved. I swear I need to follow a practically diabetic diet not to gain weight from sugar. It fucking rots me, because I have a sweet tooth, and intuitively I seem to want to eat a lot of carbs, and sweet things. So when I follow my intuition I gain weight. Is it any wonder I'm afraid to follow my damned intuition?
I know this weight gain is supposedly "healthy" and all that, but it doesn't feel healthy. It just makes me feel fat. Pretty soon I'm going to gain even more weight and not even fit in my clothes anymore (even though I have other, bigger clothes), and then I'm not just going to feel fat... I'm going to BE fat. I am so tired of being motherfucking FAT. WHY is it that every time I eat "normally" I get fucking fat??? Aaaaaaagh.
I'm just tired of it. I want my 107 lbs back. Maybe I could just stay there instead of dropping 5 or 6 lbs below. Body doesn't like that so much. But maybe it could like 107. I don't want it to like 109. I can't fathom it liking anything higher. Very soon I will no longer be considered "skinny" or "small" by my stats. And I want to be small in EVERY way. Not just in what people see. I want the numbers to work too.
WHY do I always have to weigh more than I look? Why can't I just have a more normal body type?
*head explodes*
January 5th, 2010
Had appointment with dietician today. I've been ridiculously triggered by this weight gain -- have wanted to go off the meal plan a lot. We kind of agreed that maybe I could do something midway between restricting and the old, full meal plan I was doing. I don't really know what that is yet, but I'll figure it out.
I'm ridiculously anxious today. Like, so anxious I feel sick. Part of it has to do with a situation with the guy who just moved in above me... he's a night owl and is always walking around above my head at like 12, 1, 2 in the morning, and his footsteps are LOUD. I tried to go to sleep last night, and it took about one step for me to come right awake again. I don't know how I'm supposed to get any sleep until very late if he can't stop the heavy footsteps. I've already talked to him about it, but I know he's going to forget intermittently, and then what am I supposed to do? There are nights when I have to sleep far earlier than those hours... before therapy and stuff like that. I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep with that noise. The guy who used to live above me must have had extremely light footsteps -- in any event, I never heard him walking around. This guy I hear ALL the fucking time. How am I supposed to get used to that?? I've never been able to sleep when random loud noises jar me awake. Even the earplugs don't block it out enough.
I mean, fuck. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now my sleep is threatened. And it just makes my anxiety sky-high, which makes me want to eat "enough" even less. I guess I do know that this apartment anxiety has nothing to do with the ED anxiety; but I hate the way this all feels. Hate it hate it hate it. And I don't see how I can escape from it. I am trying to tell myself that all things have an end -- maybe I could get a unit upstairs if someone moved out, maybe this guy will be able to get quieter, that sort of thing -- but I just don't know. Ugh.
To this a friend replied, in part: This can be something good love. You can do it. We're here for you..
January 6th, 2010
Three (basically complete) meals. One snack. I can do that. I think. I think I have to do that much, or my body will probably revolt. I don't want to start mad b/ping again, or even have cravings for mad b/ping. I am just having a really f***ing tough time with the food right now, and the weight gain. I'm still fairly healthy with this meal plan. Not FULLY healthy, but not super completely restrictive, either. I'm going to have to make do with this for now.
And thanks so much, R, for your support... it means a lot to me. I think I CAN do this, and I WILL do it... I just have to figure out a way to deal with my body first. I guess I'm being a little stubborn, but I simply can't deal with feeling like my weight is going to spiral out of control. So rather than losing weight, maybe I can at least decrease what I eat enough to maintain, or not gain much. I don't really know what my body will decide to do, to be honest. I just have to attempt to arrest this all somehow, for now, and see what happens. Tomorrow is a weigh-day (I do Mondays and Thursdays), so I guess at least I'll know then what the weight's doing. Not that I think I'll like it, whatever it is... but I have to know nonetheless. Not knowing at all is scarier to me than not liking what I see on the scale.
In reply to this, a friend then said: You know Niika you have made such good progress perhaps you could speak with your dietician to see about a meal plan that might help - for a temporary basis - to maintain? Rather then fiddling with the meal plan yourself it might be better to speak with and work with someone.
January 8th, 2010
Well, the dietician was the one who suggested that maybe I could do some sort of compromise between the full meal plan and going completely back to what I was doing... restricting binging purging. You know. And I don't really want to go back to what I was doing, either. I just can't deal with the weight continually increasing right now. I just can't. Not enough internal resources.
Was 109.6 again today when I weighed, so at least it's staying the same. Which is a comfort. My full ED instinct would be to lose the couple of lbs I gained over Christmas, but I'm at least trying to fight that one. Trying to not let it all go downwards, the way the disorder is kind of tugging at me to do. Just because it tugs at me doesn't mean I have to listen to it. But I don't want to send myself into an anxious, suicidal-y freakout state by forcing myself to do the full meal plan, either, and I fear that's what would happen. So I guess I'm putting the brakes on, to a degree, but I do think that's better than completely backpedalling. Right?
And, well, the b/ping is a separate issue, I guess. Been doing it at least once a day for the last few days. Have basically only purged binge food, at least, so I kept all the other stuff in. The problem is that I keep having urges to do it. It's really bloody annoying, to be honest. I don't necessarily WANT to do it, but my body is apparently too used to the old, full meal plan to let me get away easily with the lesser one. Oh well. I will deal with it, resist the urges, whenever possible.
I have an appointment with the psychologist from the ED clinic tomorrow. I guess she'll be doing the psychological assessment that day. She said I'd be there anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. So we'll see what happens. I had been at a point for awhile where I wasn't sure if I needed the clinic at all, but I think the happenings in the last week, with my weight and body image and all that business, have convinced me that maybe I need to do this. I'm sure I'll get a chance to explain at least some of that to the psychologist tomorrow, anyway. I'm trying not to overanalyze it the way I would like to do. I'm just going to let it be whatever it's going to be, and if I need their help then maybe I need it, and if I don't I'm sure they'll tell me. But maybe I do. Maybe I do.
January 16th, 2010
Had the psychology appointment. Didn't really do that much -- she just took some of my psychological history and whatnot. As psychologist interviews go, it was quite brief (maybe 45 mins) and "standard". Didn't feel too probed into. Had to talk about shit I didn't really want to talk about, like my history of suicide attempts, SI, etc, but that's pretty much inevitable. The ED clinic is gonna have to know all that sort of stuff if they're gonna treat me properly.
Been in a very very bulimic mode for the last... I dunno, week maybe? Been b/ping consistently at nighttimes. Been buying tons of binge food, going through an average of a 2L of diet soda a day, all that sort of shit. It's funny -- you'd think I'd be tired of this -- but I'm not. My motivation for stopping is pretty nil right now, if I'm being honest. It's not that I want to live my life forever as a bulimic -- it's just that bulimia seems so natural, so inevitable. It's just the way I have to operate day-to-day. It's just something I do. It doesn't feel like any sort of self-killing, life-changing thing... it's just there. It just is what it is. I dunno.
Haven't had a call from ED clinic from the dietician. That's the next step in this process. That, and I have to finish filling out the forms I was given. I already filled out the eating disorder inventory, but there's an inventory of mood/psychiatric symptoms that I have yet to fill out, and also some quality of life doodad. I haven't felt like filling either one of those out yet, so I've been putting it off. I figure whenever a dietician bothers to call me about an appointment will be plenty of time. Not like I won't be able to find a minute to do them. I'm pretty free these days.
So life continues along with bulimia, and I am apparently no different than I ever was.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Crossposted from another site.
Christmas eating was a bit weird, especially Christmas Day... ended up stuffing my face that day, and actually woke up nauseous in the middle of the night after it... but I got through it okay, I think. I haven't weighed myself since I've come home. I may do it tomorrow, just to see where I am in terms of weight. Certain pants feel tighter and the like, so I can't help wondering if I've continued to gain weight. Certainly I ate enough junk over the days I was home for Christmas to possibly have gained. But I don't know that for sure, I guess. Maybe maybe not.
Am back at my apartment now... my lonely little apartment without even any Internet. However, I am thinking of calling the people I get my cell phone with and asking about getting an Internet connection in a bundle with the phone. Apparently at cheapest it can be about $26 a month, without tax, to add a semi-decent Internet connection. I won't really be able to download many torrents, but that would be okay with me as long as I didn't go over my bandwidth. It's kinda like my phone... with the second-lowest connection level I would get about 25GB bandwidth a month, which would possibly/hopefully be enough as long as I don't download too much. So my total bill, for phone and Internet with taxes, might be like... $120 a month? Maximum. Which would be about $60 every cheque. I get about $180 every cheque for everything, so it's not really ideal, but it might be doable. I wouldn't have money for much else, but I don't really have that much extra money to begin with, and maybe it would be worth it for the Internet connection. I wonder how long a contract I would need to sign to get this bundle.
Anyway, that was a totally non-ED tangent. Lol. But that's okay. I guess the point is that I am trying to find a way to make things work in my life, since now I have all this free time or whatever. The Internet would help me stay more connected to the outside world, which is something I have issues with anyway, and my loneliness makes me feel even worse. At least if I had the Internet I could keep in contact with people regularly, by some method that isn't just my cell phone (which has limited capabilities).
Ponderings.
Christmas eating was a bit weird, especially Christmas Day... ended up stuffing my face that day, and actually woke up nauseous in the middle of the night after it... but I got through it okay, I think. I haven't weighed myself since I've come home. I may do it tomorrow, just to see where I am in terms of weight. Certain pants feel tighter and the like, so I can't help wondering if I've continued to gain weight. Certainly I ate enough junk over the days I was home for Christmas to possibly have gained. But I don't know that for sure, I guess. Maybe maybe not.
Am back at my apartment now... my lonely little apartment without even any Internet. However, I am thinking of calling the people I get my cell phone with and asking about getting an Internet connection in a bundle with the phone. Apparently at cheapest it can be about $26 a month, without tax, to add a semi-decent Internet connection. I won't really be able to download many torrents, but that would be okay with me as long as I didn't go over my bandwidth. It's kinda like my phone... with the second-lowest connection level I would get about 25GB bandwidth a month, which would possibly/hopefully be enough as long as I don't download too much. So my total bill, for phone and Internet with taxes, might be like... $120 a month? Maximum. Which would be about $60 every cheque. I get about $180 every cheque for everything, so it's not really ideal, but it might be doable. I wouldn't have money for much else, but I don't really have that much extra money to begin with, and maybe it would be worth it for the Internet connection. I wonder how long a contract I would need to sign to get this bundle.
Anyway, that was a totally non-ED tangent. Lol. But that's okay. I guess the point is that I am trying to find a way to make things work in my life, since now I have all this free time or whatever. The Internet would help me stay more connected to the outside world, which is something I have issues with anyway, and my loneliness makes me feel even worse. At least if I had the Internet I could keep in contact with people regularly, by some method that isn't just my cell phone (which has limited capabilities).
Ponderings.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Crossposted from another blog.
What I wrote on Twitter today got me thinking. Let me write it here for you. And maybe expand upon it a bit.
One thing I have to accept about recovery is that my life will probably not be as "interesting" after this. The rapid downward progression has a feel of accomplishment to it, when in that negative headspace. But I know now that ED is not REAL accomplishment. It's an illusion, designed to keep me sicker, designed to shield me from the bruises and scariness of real life. But sometime I have to learn how to handle real life, no matter how I might dislike it by times, no matter how "boring" it may seem. It is what it is.
I lost more than I accomplished with all this. I lost school. Student loan security. Even financial security. All gone because of ED. And what did I get? Being thin? How is being thin worth all that loss? How did I warp things so highly?
To be honest, I don't think I believed any of this loss could or would happen. Somehow I believed the glue of everything would hold together while I tumbled further and further down the rabbit hole. Maybe because things always "held together" before.
But I didn't factor in one major, important variable: Economics. Economics, something I never had to worry about before, have now basically proceeded to fuck me over. For my next student loan I'm looking at having $2000 taken out of whatever they give me, which I am now going to have to attempt to save. This means I'm going to have to get a job, one I probably won't like a whole lot, and scrimp and pinch in order to save the necessary cash. This is going to take quite a long time. My other option is to continue to work full-time, and do one or two courses every semester until I get the necessary number done. I think it would be a little easier to work full-time for... what, maybe a year or so... and be able to take the school year off to do courses, and work again during summers, like I had planned before. Of course, this all depends on if I can get student loan to actually give me the money I need to be able to live during the semester. Which I hopefully still can, but there's no guarantee.
Right now, though, I am on financial assistance. Yes, government assistance. And, yes, it is a fairly big blow to my pride. It's also the sort of thing that doesn't necessarily have a timeline. I know I should stay on assistance until I know this particular acute episode of ED/mental illness actually IS gone, and won't come back. But how long is that going to take? Four months? Six? Longer? And what of the fact that I can seem to somewhat hold things together right now... you know, because I'm mostly eating my meal plan, not b/ping nearly as much, etc. Could this mean I don't need the ED treatment as badly as I did before, the way my head says as it nags at me?
The truth is, considering how acute I WAS, they may still take me. But will I benefit from this treatment? I have noticed that many of the days I get triggered are the ones I actually go to the clinic... the ones where I have to talk about ED directly, and do so with people who actually understand ED. Does that mean I actually need to go (though sometimes I doubt how much I need it), or is it somehow making me worse? Or maybe being there just temporarily takes the veil off the real, underlying issues, that somehow I'm suppressing right now in order to try and be meal plan compliant, and not do ED behaviors. I do know I'm having a decent bit of anxiety, existential depression. Is it possible that the ED program could have something to offer me in terms of resolving the things that caused the ED in the first place? I mean, I think that's what they try to do. But isn't that what all my current treatment (psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, etc) is aimed at? But maybe that ED focus also needs to be there, working on me from that perspective.
I just really don't know what I think about any of this anymore. I am continuing forward with trying to go to the ED clinic simply because I have done so much towards trying to go to it already, and I don't want to chickenshit out now. I know I do need SOME support. The dietician stuff is the only thing keeping me on track at all with eating. I feel like without that support... without someone to check in with, to help me try and be more logical about food... I could not do this meal plan, and possibly would not even WANT to. So maybe that indicates right there that I do need this ED clinic. I don't know. The dietician I have was only intended to be temporary anyhow, and she can't exactly help with the psychological issues. I know there are limitations in that regard. So maybe I need this clinic more than I think I do. Maybe maybe maybe.
All I know is that I couldn't have stopped this. For some reason, I desperately needed ED when I was engaging in it. I still don't know all the reasons why. I do know my last month at the halfway house partially helped to fuel it; but I could have taken other ways of self-destructing. Yet it was ED I chose. Why? Because I wanted to be thin? Because I thought being thin would be a wonderful accomplishment? But WHY did I think that? Why am I still so scared that they're going to make me gain more weight? How can I be convinced that maybe my ED isn't so bad just because I'm mostly able to follow a meal plan now?
I am so very very confused. The thoughts run around in my head in circles. And amid all of this I'm having to fight that anxiety and depression because of the money issues, because of the boredom... having nothing productive to do with my time, not feeling useful, etc. I just don't know what to do, except to try and keep on trucking, and distract myself, and eat these meals and these snacks. It's just that right now there's this emptiness within me that I'm trying very hard to ignore, because if I give into it I'm going to want to do ED behaviors. So it basically means I can't really feel anything I'm feeling. No wonder I feel so empty.
Maybe the clinic can teach me how to feel emotions again without going insane. That would probably be a useful skill. I wonder if that's even possible.
What I wrote on Twitter today got me thinking. Let me write it here for you. And maybe expand upon it a bit.
One thing I have to accept about recovery is that my life will probably not be as "interesting" after this. The rapid downward progression has a feel of accomplishment to it, when in that negative headspace. But I know now that ED is not REAL accomplishment. It's an illusion, designed to keep me sicker, designed to shield me from the bruises and scariness of real life. But sometime I have to learn how to handle real life, no matter how I might dislike it by times, no matter how "boring" it may seem. It is what it is.
I lost more than I accomplished with all this. I lost school. Student loan security. Even financial security. All gone because of ED. And what did I get? Being thin? How is being thin worth all that loss? How did I warp things so highly?
To be honest, I don't think I believed any of this loss could or would happen. Somehow I believed the glue of everything would hold together while I tumbled further and further down the rabbit hole. Maybe because things always "held together" before.
But I didn't factor in one major, important variable: Economics. Economics, something I never had to worry about before, have now basically proceeded to fuck me over. For my next student loan I'm looking at having $2000 taken out of whatever they give me, which I am now going to have to attempt to save. This means I'm going to have to get a job, one I probably won't like a whole lot, and scrimp and pinch in order to save the necessary cash. This is going to take quite a long time. My other option is to continue to work full-time, and do one or two courses every semester until I get the necessary number done. I think it would be a little easier to work full-time for... what, maybe a year or so... and be able to take the school year off to do courses, and work again during summers, like I had planned before. Of course, this all depends on if I can get student loan to actually give me the money I need to be able to live during the semester. Which I hopefully still can, but there's no guarantee.
Right now, though, I am on financial assistance. Yes, government assistance. And, yes, it is a fairly big blow to my pride. It's also the sort of thing that doesn't necessarily have a timeline. I know I should stay on assistance until I know this particular acute episode of ED/mental illness actually IS gone, and won't come back. But how long is that going to take? Four months? Six? Longer? And what of the fact that I can seem to somewhat hold things together right now... you know, because I'm mostly eating my meal plan, not b/ping nearly as much, etc. Could this mean I don't need the ED treatment as badly as I did before, the way my head says as it nags at me?
The truth is, considering how acute I WAS, they may still take me. But will I benefit from this treatment? I have noticed that many of the days I get triggered are the ones I actually go to the clinic... the ones where I have to talk about ED directly, and do so with people who actually understand ED. Does that mean I actually need to go (though sometimes I doubt how much I need it), or is it somehow making me worse? Or maybe being there just temporarily takes the veil off the real, underlying issues, that somehow I'm suppressing right now in order to try and be meal plan compliant, and not do ED behaviors. I do know I'm having a decent bit of anxiety, existential depression. Is it possible that the ED program could have something to offer me in terms of resolving the things that caused the ED in the first place? I mean, I think that's what they try to do. But isn't that what all my current treatment (psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, etc) is aimed at? But maybe that ED focus also needs to be there, working on me from that perspective.
I just really don't know what I think about any of this anymore. I am continuing forward with trying to go to the ED clinic simply because I have done so much towards trying to go to it already, and I don't want to chickenshit out now. I know I do need SOME support. The dietician stuff is the only thing keeping me on track at all with eating. I feel like without that support... without someone to check in with, to help me try and be more logical about food... I could not do this meal plan, and possibly would not even WANT to. So maybe that indicates right there that I do need this ED clinic. I don't know. The dietician I have was only intended to be temporary anyhow, and she can't exactly help with the psychological issues. I know there are limitations in that regard. So maybe I need this clinic more than I think I do. Maybe maybe maybe.
All I know is that I couldn't have stopped this. For some reason, I desperately needed ED when I was engaging in it. I still don't know all the reasons why. I do know my last month at the halfway house partially helped to fuel it; but I could have taken other ways of self-destructing. Yet it was ED I chose. Why? Because I wanted to be thin? Because I thought being thin would be a wonderful accomplishment? But WHY did I think that? Why am I still so scared that they're going to make me gain more weight? How can I be convinced that maybe my ED isn't so bad just because I'm mostly able to follow a meal plan now?
I am so very very confused. The thoughts run around in my head in circles. And amid all of this I'm having to fight that anxiety and depression because of the money issues, because of the boredom... having nothing productive to do with my time, not feeling useful, etc. I just don't know what to do, except to try and keep on trucking, and distract myself, and eat these meals and these snacks. It's just that right now there's this emptiness within me that I'm trying very hard to ignore, because if I give into it I'm going to want to do ED behaviors. So it basically means I can't really feel anything I'm feeling. No wonder I feel so empty.
Maybe the clinic can teach me how to feel emotions again without going insane. That would probably be a useful skill. I wonder if that's even possible.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Crossposted from forum.
I need to write in here before I go completely insane.
Feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Mind trying to disconnect from itself, fly away into nothingness. I am not real in moments like this. I do not exist at all. This body is a shell, oozing some pseudo semblance of humanity. Pretending to be something they call human; but there is really nothing here at all.
I cannot deal with myself or how I am, how I feel, and it is why I turn and have turned to so many addictive behaviors over the years. Cutting. Bulimia. Starving. The occasional alcohol binges, smoking up to get oblivious, cravings for benzos and painkillers and hallucinogens. I just want to get away from this slimy, filthy, needy thing that I am, that worms and threads itself through me as the veins through my limbs and torso and brain. But I can't. I can never get away. But I can't deal, either.
I don't know what this means, or where this is going, or anything. I think I'm a little dissociated right now, partially induced by bulimia, but also partially just by my own head, by the ways it naturally wants to go when given the opportunity. And right now my brain, my consciousness, wants to be anywhere, anywhere but right here.
Fuck my fucking life. Seriously. I'm never going to learn how to do any of this shit right.
I need to write in here before I go completely insane.
Feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Mind trying to disconnect from itself, fly away into nothingness. I am not real in moments like this. I do not exist at all. This body is a shell, oozing some pseudo semblance of humanity. Pretending to be something they call human; but there is really nothing here at all.
I cannot deal with myself or how I am, how I feel, and it is why I turn and have turned to so many addictive behaviors over the years. Cutting. Bulimia. Starving. The occasional alcohol binges, smoking up to get oblivious, cravings for benzos and painkillers and hallucinogens. I just want to get away from this slimy, filthy, needy thing that I am, that worms and threads itself through me as the veins through my limbs and torso and brain. But I can't. I can never get away. But I can't deal, either.
I don't know what this means, or where this is going, or anything. I think I'm a little dissociated right now, partially induced by bulimia, but also partially just by my own head, by the ways it naturally wants to go when given the opportunity. And right now my brain, my consciousness, wants to be anywhere, anywhere but right here.
Fuck my fucking life. Seriously. I'm never going to learn how to do any of this shit right.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
So yesterday I had some kind of... breakthrough. You can tell me after you read this if you think it's good or bad. It happened with basically no warning whatsoever, which is why I am suspicious that the Risperdal may actually have had something to do with it, though I guess I can't really know for sure.
The first thing was that I began noticing I was feeling things. A lot of things. I haven't had so many strong emotions in a long time. But the thing that was more amazing was that it didn't bother me to feel them. I could sit there and experience all these feelings -- joy, sadness, loneliness -- without feeling my usual urge to go do something about them. Once I realized this, I started thinking a little further, and realized... oh my god... I didn't feel like binging.
What the actual fuck, right? This urge to binge has been my nemesis for months, years. It seems to matter little what my weight is, except that when I'm lower in weight I get it more intensely, for obvious reasons. But yesterday I realized... thinking about it in a way that would usually trigger me into wanting to binge SO BAD... that I could actually resist the urges if I wanted to. I mean, yes, I was at school and didn't quite have access to binge food at that particular moment; but not long before that, I had been able to resist only because of lack of binge food, and suddenly I just realized I had... a choice. I had... control.
I hadn't realized just how bad this bulimia thing really was until it was suddenly gone. Until I lacked the desperate NEED to stuff food in my mouth, even when I didn't want to purge, or sometimes even when I didn't want to eat at all. I can't explain how fucking freeing this feels. It really honest to God feels like magic or something. It's crazy.
Of course, I doubt the drug because the doctor told me it would probably take a week to start seeing therapeutic effects, and I've only been on this for five nights so far. Maybe, psychologically, I've been working up to this moment, and that's why it happened. Maybe maybe maybe. But I also doubt myself, and so I will keep taking this drug. Out of fear; out of delight.
The problem, however, is also going to be the very same thing that got rid of the bulimia: the fact that I have control. Because now it seems like nothing to restrict, to lose weight, and I also feel like I am on some sort of ridiculous high doing it. I don't like the few lbs I gained, and I still have all those goal weights I never met, and I feel like I can DO this now, and it feels so fucking GREAT, so why wouldn't I do it?!?! It's almost mania-like, except that I still have that control, and people who are manic don't actually have control. (This drug is prescribed to COUNTER manic highs.) So then I thought... fasting high? But why didn't I have it before, if that's what it is? Lord knows that back in August/September I starved harder than I am starving now, and felt worse doing it. Why this better feeling now?
So... is this truly good, or actually bad, or a little of both? It confuses the hell out of me. I do think it puts me in a better position to actually recover -- I can actually control my urges to b/p, at least for now -- but what of this possibility of unleashed, non-painful anorexia? That can't possibly be a good thing, but, again, I feel like it would be FANTASTIC, and it feels fantastic... and I can no more resist this feeling right now than I could resist b/p urges before.
What an odd fucking life I have sometimes. Lol. Seriously. Does this kind of shit actually happen to other people? It's completely and utterly absurd.
The first thing was that I began noticing I was feeling things. A lot of things. I haven't had so many strong emotions in a long time. But the thing that was more amazing was that it didn't bother me to feel them. I could sit there and experience all these feelings -- joy, sadness, loneliness -- without feeling my usual urge to go do something about them. Once I realized this, I started thinking a little further, and realized... oh my god... I didn't feel like binging.
What the actual fuck, right? This urge to binge has been my nemesis for months, years. It seems to matter little what my weight is, except that when I'm lower in weight I get it more intensely, for obvious reasons. But yesterday I realized... thinking about it in a way that would usually trigger me into wanting to binge SO BAD... that I could actually resist the urges if I wanted to. I mean, yes, I was at school and didn't quite have access to binge food at that particular moment; but not long before that, I had been able to resist only because of lack of binge food, and suddenly I just realized I had... a choice. I had... control.
I hadn't realized just how bad this bulimia thing really was until it was suddenly gone. Until I lacked the desperate NEED to stuff food in my mouth, even when I didn't want to purge, or sometimes even when I didn't want to eat at all. I can't explain how fucking freeing this feels. It really honest to God feels like magic or something. It's crazy.
Of course, I doubt the drug because the doctor told me it would probably take a week to start seeing therapeutic effects, and I've only been on this for five nights so far. Maybe, psychologically, I've been working up to this moment, and that's why it happened. Maybe maybe maybe. But I also doubt myself, and so I will keep taking this drug. Out of fear; out of delight.
The problem, however, is also going to be the very same thing that got rid of the bulimia: the fact that I have control. Because now it seems like nothing to restrict, to lose weight, and I also feel like I am on some sort of ridiculous high doing it. I don't like the few lbs I gained, and I still have all those goal weights I never met, and I feel like I can DO this now, and it feels so fucking GREAT, so why wouldn't I do it?!?! It's almost mania-like, except that I still have that control, and people who are manic don't actually have control. (This drug is prescribed to COUNTER manic highs.) So then I thought... fasting high? But why didn't I have it before, if that's what it is? Lord knows that back in August/September I starved harder than I am starving now, and felt worse doing it. Why this better feeling now?
So... is this truly good, or actually bad, or a little of both? It confuses the hell out of me. I do think it puts me in a better position to actually recover -- I can actually control my urges to b/p, at least for now -- but what of this possibility of unleashed, non-painful anorexia? That can't possibly be a good thing, but, again, I feel like it would be FANTASTIC, and it feels fantastic... and I can no more resist this feeling right now than I could resist b/p urges before.
What an odd fucking life I have sometimes. Lol. Seriously. Does this kind of shit actually happen to other people? It's completely and utterly absurd.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
So, as some of you may know, I post all the updates I've been putting here on a forum I frequent. Regarding my last post, a friend said, at the end of a fairly lengthy response:
Is there anything nice you can do for yourself - not relating to the ED at all that might lift you a little? [...] Sorry I've rambled so much.
And here are the two entries that I wrote today.
7:43 AM
Don't be sorry, R, love... I really appreciate your reply :). As for doing nice things for me, well, I'm trying to get out of the house a little more and stuff like that. I still have my novel for NaNoWriMo, although I only have about 2k words total so far (will need to write ~2400 a day to win at this point, but I'm not so concerned about winning). I went to choir last night, which I do every week, and then after I hung out with my friend and we had a good chat. Haven't seen her in far too long, so it was good!
I am also trying not to refuse meals, etc, when people offer them, or for things like formers' supper, where obviously I'd be expected to eat. I'm actually going to supper at my parents' house tonight -- we're having ribs. Of course, I'm also planning on eating very little all day so I don't gain anything, and hopefully lose. *sigh* It never ends.
Anyway, there's not exactly any need to worry about my weight atm, as I've gained :|. Yesterday I was 106.4 in the morning, and 105.4 an hour or two later; today I was 105.8. The fact that I had at least 1600-1700 calories yesterday probably did not help that very much. Oh well -- I don't intend to have that number again today. I do not want to be this weight. More incentive to get the b/ping under control, I suppose, as I know basically all the weight gain came from the binging, and/or some possible residual edema. I feel much better edema-wise today, though, so I'm not convinced I'm actually retaining a ton of fluid at this point. But I guess you never know.
Blah. *heavy sigh*
Also, I have my echocardiogram today. Let's hope I'm not medically unstable in any way. Heartbeat was doing odd things last night -- pace would change seemingly randomly, & did so several times. I didn't actually skip any beats or anything like that... the speed at which it was beating just kept changing. But I'm sure that whatever it is will probably be caught on the echo, as I don't really feel any different this morning, so we shall see how it goes. Hopefully I'm just being a hypochondriac again.
11:02 AM:
Had the echo... the technician asked me if my doctor had ever said anything to me about a heart murmur :|. Thing is, I was listening to it as it was being done (during some short parts you can hear sound) and a few of them did sound a little funny :S. She also asked me, after she'd finished the echo, if I had an appointment scheduled with my doctor, and I said that I was seeing him on December 8th, and she said, "Oh, not till December?" like she thought it should be sooner. Ughhhh. Paranoia. :| :|
Anyway, I see my GP next week, on Tuesday, so I'll mention it to her then. It's easy enough for her to get the stethoscope out and listen to my heart to see if there really is a murmur, or whatever. Plus I spose I really need to bring up the fatigue, the dizziness I've been having randomly since last night, that sort of thing. For now the confusion seems to be at bay, which is a good thing, but I am aware that it could be due to my extra calories yesterday. Note the word "could". Hypochondriac yet again. I worry about these things too much. :/
Is there anything nice you can do for yourself - not relating to the ED at all that might lift you a little? [...] Sorry I've rambled so much.
And here are the two entries that I wrote today.
7:43 AM
Don't be sorry, R, love... I really appreciate your reply :). As for doing nice things for me, well, I'm trying to get out of the house a little more and stuff like that. I still have my novel for NaNoWriMo, although I only have about 2k words total so far (will need to write ~2400 a day to win at this point, but I'm not so concerned about winning). I went to choir last night, which I do every week, and then after I hung out with my friend and we had a good chat. Haven't seen her in far too long, so it was good!
I am also trying not to refuse meals, etc, when people offer them, or for things like formers' supper, where obviously I'd be expected to eat. I'm actually going to supper at my parents' house tonight -- we're having ribs. Of course, I'm also planning on eating very little all day so I don't gain anything, and hopefully lose. *sigh* It never ends.
Anyway, there's not exactly any need to worry about my weight atm, as I've gained :|. Yesterday I was 106.4 in the morning, and 105.4 an hour or two later; today I was 105.8. The fact that I had at least 1600-1700 calories yesterday probably did not help that very much. Oh well -- I don't intend to have that number again today. I do not want to be this weight. More incentive to get the b/ping under control, I suppose, as I know basically all the weight gain came from the binging, and/or some possible residual edema. I feel much better edema-wise today, though, so I'm not convinced I'm actually retaining a ton of fluid at this point. But I guess you never know.
Blah. *heavy sigh*
Also, I have my echocardiogram today. Let's hope I'm not medically unstable in any way. Heartbeat was doing odd things last night -- pace would change seemingly randomly, & did so several times. I didn't actually skip any beats or anything like that... the speed at which it was beating just kept changing. But I'm sure that whatever it is will probably be caught on the echo, as I don't really feel any different this morning, so we shall see how it goes. Hopefully I'm just being a hypochondriac again.
11:02 AM:
Had the echo... the technician asked me if my doctor had ever said anything to me about a heart murmur :|. Thing is, I was listening to it as it was being done (during some short parts you can hear sound) and a few of them did sound a little funny :S. She also asked me, after she'd finished the echo, if I had an appointment scheduled with my doctor, and I said that I was seeing him on December 8th, and she said, "Oh, not till December?" like she thought it should be sooner. Ughhhh. Paranoia. :| :|
Anyway, I see my GP next week, on Tuesday, so I'll mention it to her then. It's easy enough for her to get the stethoscope out and listen to my heart to see if there really is a murmur, or whatever. Plus I spose I really need to bring up the fatigue, the dizziness I've been having randomly since last night, that sort of thing. For now the confusion seems to be at bay, which is a good thing, but I am aware that it could be due to my extra calories yesterday. Note the word "could". Hypochondriac yet again. I worry about these things too much. :/
Sunday, November 08, 2009
So the extreme sleepy-making side effects of the Risperdal mostly died after day 1, and seem to be basically entirely gone now. However, I am still having a lot of difficulty with concentration, etc. Thing is, I'm not convinced it's the med that's doing this. It seems like when I eat a little more, or smaller amounts more frequently, I do not have such huge issues with being able to focus. When I don't do either, however, my brain and my body turn themselves to shit. Or so it's been the last couple of days. :S
Woke up with really bad edema this morning. Fingers were all swollen and inflexible. Of course, my stupid ass didn't drink proper fluids to drive the edema out... no, I decided instead to have coffee so the diuretic effect would make the edema go away :S. I know this is not going to work in the long term... I need to hydrate properly. But I didn't want to have to drink all the fluids, and stay edemic for a long time, and probably not get to leave my house because I was "fat" from water retention, so I drank coffee, made some more coffee, and came out to the university instead. :|
Actually, I'm having a lot of symptoms of hypokalemia (low potassium), which I know really isn't good. The edema. Being thirsty all the time (and drinking plain fluids doesn't seem to alleviate my thirst much). Also, "confusion" can be another symptom, so maybe my mental symptoms are some kind of combination of low-ish blood sugar and low-ish potassium... I don't really know. [I was also really shaky and funny-feeling this morning when getting on the bus, walking, etc.] I'm not exactly a doctor, so I shouldn't be diagnosing myself with shit, I realize. But low potassium is something I should be aware of the possibility of, because it can cause serious problems if it gets too bad.
Thing is, even though I'm thinking this all through, trying to keep track of it, etc... I don't see how I can possibly fix it. I feel like I can't change the habits of the ED, even if it does eventually lead to medical instability. I just can't. Do it. I guess it's that OCD-like rigidity which does seem to accompany my ED, even when it's not pure, or even "good", restricting. I get very set in the sort of routine I build for myself, or a set of ways I can feel within the ED, and anything that threatens to interrupt it is unacceptable. But it really isn't going to be cool if keeping myself together mentally makes me seriously unstable physically. -.-
Also, I realized that I haven't been updating about appointments and things lately, so although this entry is about a thousand years long already, I will do that now. I mean, everyone is obviously more than welcome to skip reading it if they want. Lol.
So I finally had my cardiologist appointment last Monday. What he said to me, basically, was that he doesn't think there's anything really wrong with me, either... but he's still sending me for more tests -.-. I got a cardiac stress test booked when I was there, which is for either late November or early December, and they sent me a letter in the mail about an echocardiogram, which I'm supposed to get done on Tuesday. Which is odd, as I was under the impression that it took awhile to book ECGs, but I guess it's also good? At least I'll get it out of the way, anyhow.
So it looks like the ED clinic may be even slower in coming now. *sigh*. However, my social worker (who is amazing) had previously sent a referral for an interim dietician on my behalf, and that person called me on... Thursday, I believe? So I actually have an appointment with her for this coming Thursday. I'm pretty nervous about it, on the one hand, because I know she's going to weigh me, will ask me fairly in-depth about eating behaviors, etc. On the other hand, I know I can simply leave the appointment and do absolutely nothing that she suggests. But the recovery-oriented part of me is not going to let me do that -- I know it won't. So I expect that this RD appointment is going to succeed in further widening the gash between my disordered and recovery sides, which may or may not be productive. But I can't just sit here and do nothing, either. It's pretty confusing. Then again, everything seems to be lately. :/
PS: I apologize if part of this are badly written. I guess it makes sense that an inability to properly focus/concentrate would come out in my writing, too. :S
Woke up with really bad edema this morning. Fingers were all swollen and inflexible. Of course, my stupid ass didn't drink proper fluids to drive the edema out... no, I decided instead to have coffee so the diuretic effect would make the edema go away :S. I know this is not going to work in the long term... I need to hydrate properly. But I didn't want to have to drink all the fluids, and stay edemic for a long time, and probably not get to leave my house because I was "fat" from water retention, so I drank coffee, made some more coffee, and came out to the university instead. :|
Actually, I'm having a lot of symptoms of hypokalemia (low potassium), which I know really isn't good. The edema. Being thirsty all the time (and drinking plain fluids doesn't seem to alleviate my thirst much). Also, "confusion" can be another symptom, so maybe my mental symptoms are some kind of combination of low-ish blood sugar and low-ish potassium... I don't really know. [I was also really shaky and funny-feeling this morning when getting on the bus, walking, etc.] I'm not exactly a doctor, so I shouldn't be diagnosing myself with shit, I realize. But low potassium is something I should be aware of the possibility of, because it can cause serious problems if it gets too bad.
Thing is, even though I'm thinking this all through, trying to keep track of it, etc... I don't see how I can possibly fix it. I feel like I can't change the habits of the ED, even if it does eventually lead to medical instability. I just can't. Do it. I guess it's that OCD-like rigidity which does seem to accompany my ED, even when it's not pure, or even "good", restricting. I get very set in the sort of routine I build for myself, or a set of ways I can feel within the ED, and anything that threatens to interrupt it is unacceptable. But it really isn't going to be cool if keeping myself together mentally makes me seriously unstable physically. -.-
Also, I realized that I haven't been updating about appointments and things lately, so although this entry is about a thousand years long already, I will do that now. I mean, everyone is obviously more than welcome to skip reading it if they want. Lol.
So I finally had my cardiologist appointment last Monday. What he said to me, basically, was that he doesn't think there's anything really wrong with me, either... but he's still sending me for more tests -.-. I got a cardiac stress test booked when I was there, which is for either late November or early December, and they sent me a letter in the mail about an echocardiogram, which I'm supposed to get done on Tuesday. Which is odd, as I was under the impression that it took awhile to book ECGs, but I guess it's also good? At least I'll get it out of the way, anyhow.
So it looks like the ED clinic may be even slower in coming now. *sigh*. However, my social worker (who is amazing) had previously sent a referral for an interim dietician on my behalf, and that person called me on... Thursday, I believe? So I actually have an appointment with her for this coming Thursday. I'm pretty nervous about it, on the one hand, because I know she's going to weigh me, will ask me fairly in-depth about eating behaviors, etc. On the other hand, I know I can simply leave the appointment and do absolutely nothing that she suggests. But the recovery-oriented part of me is not going to let me do that -- I know it won't. So I expect that this RD appointment is going to succeed in further widening the gash between my disordered and recovery sides, which may or may not be productive. But I can't just sit here and do nothing, either. It's pretty confusing. Then again, everything seems to be lately. :/
PS: I apologize if part of this are badly written. I guess it makes sense that an inability to properly focus/concentrate would come out in my writing, too. :S
Friday, November 06, 2009
Went to the psychiatrist yesterday, and was talking about the ED being worse, having dropped school, etc. I told him, among other things, that my anxiety was a large part of the reason the recovery efforts I've made on my own haven't worked. He then offered to either try upping my Effexor dose, or start me on a small dose of an atypical antipsychotic, to help with the anxiety.
I quickly made it clear that I didn't think an Effexor increase would help, as I lost the most weight (50lbs in 4 months) when I was on a dosage of Effexor twice as high as it is now. However, I was worried about the weight gain side effects of antipsychotics, as I knew from friends' experiences that the reason people gain weight is because the pills make them hungrier, and I was afraid that I'd get increased/uncontrollable binge urges from certain ones, etc. He decided to try me on a low dose of Risperdal, as he said that has one of the lowest incidence of weight gain side effects among the atypical antipsychotics.
So I took my first dose, 1mg, last night, and... oh my GOD, the drowsiness. I woke up during the night and was vaguely afraid I'd stop breathing or my blood pressure would go too low, as I recall, because my physical body felt SO drugged. And today I am still in a stupor... it's hard even typing this. I AM hungrier, too, but today I think it's because I'm so drowsy/dopey that my body's trying to make me eat more to get some extra energy. Only I know that's not going to work, because food can't fix an artificial agent in my bloodstream/brain that's making me sleepy. I know this side effect will wear off within a couple of days, but OMFG, it's so bloody annoying for the moment. I just want it to go away now. Ugh.
I quickly made it clear that I didn't think an Effexor increase would help, as I lost the most weight (50lbs in 4 months) when I was on a dosage of Effexor twice as high as it is now. However, I was worried about the weight gain side effects of antipsychotics, as I knew from friends' experiences that the reason people gain weight is because the pills make them hungrier, and I was afraid that I'd get increased/uncontrollable binge urges from certain ones, etc. He decided to try me on a low dose of Risperdal, as he said that has one of the lowest incidence of weight gain side effects among the atypical antipsychotics.
So I took my first dose, 1mg, last night, and... oh my GOD, the drowsiness. I woke up during the night and was vaguely afraid I'd stop breathing or my blood pressure would go too low, as I recall, because my physical body felt SO drugged. And today I am still in a stupor... it's hard even typing this. I AM hungrier, too, but today I think it's because I'm so drowsy/dopey that my body's trying to make me eat more to get some extra energy. Only I know that's not going to work, because food can't fix an artificial agent in my bloodstream/brain that's making me sleepy. I know this side effect will wear off within a couple of days, but OMFG, it's so bloody annoying for the moment. I just want it to go away now. Ugh.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
I'm so.. detached today. Things don't quite seem focused/real. Concentration is hard. I don't know if it's from fatigue, or because my therapy session today drained me, or what.
I do know that things are worse mentally. I am having a harder time dealing with all my stupid bullshit. I am so tired of the eating disorder, the things inside of me that I hate, all of it, but I can't face any of it. I want to run... but I know I can't run if I ever want to get truly better, because I've been running since I was 15, and running only makes me worse and worse and worse. In essence, in order for the fire to die, I have to walk through it, let it sear my flesh, let it tear me open, scream with the pain of it... and then when I am finally through the fire, all the worst parts will be burned away, and I can be healed. Or at least I think that's what's supposed to happen.
But I don't want to face my demons. I don't want to really, fully realize that I have a dark side that wants a place in my brain and body and soul. I don't want to be an adult -- sexual, knowing and enjoying the pleasurable, callous, dirty side of life. I don't want to acknowledge the desires that I have within myself, the ones that always come back no matter how hard I try to suppress them. So if I won't deal with my shit, and I am tired of playing the running game, what is the answer?
To my brain, the answer is death. I feel like I just don't want to be here anymore. I do not want to deal with this shit. I don't want to deal with anything. I want to kill myself -- whether slowly or quickly (ie, either via the eating disorder, or by ODing or something similar). Whichever way I do it, though, I want to know it is working... I either want to know that my ED is on a constant downward slope, or I want to fucking die already. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of trying to cope. I'm tired of everything.
I told my psychologist the essence of this today, and I felt a little better after saying it... for awhile. But that never lasts, either. So now all I've got left is this stupid fucking head of mine, and the hope that whatever part of me still wants to live and have a real life is going to be strong enough to get me through without drastic measures. I don't want to go through all the stupid shit around ODing again... doing it, getting scared or whatever, telling someone, ending up in hospital, getting medical treatment(s), getting psychiatry consults, being essentially not helped, being discharged. Rinse and repeat times a fucking thousand. I just can't do that right now. I can't. But I know I "shouldn't" lose a lot more weight. But I want to. But I'm not losing anything, because I turn to comfort eating and purging so often. But I can't seem to let myself get medically unstable from the bulimia, either... I'm always replacing things just enough that my body is maintaining itself. So I am also completely fucking failing at any attempt to get rid of myself. And I am, of course, also sick of being a failure.
My head is tearing me completely apart. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I am lost. I can't deal. Everything is fucked.
I do know that things are worse mentally. I am having a harder time dealing with all my stupid bullshit. I am so tired of the eating disorder, the things inside of me that I hate, all of it, but I can't face any of it. I want to run... but I know I can't run if I ever want to get truly better, because I've been running since I was 15, and running only makes me worse and worse and worse. In essence, in order for the fire to die, I have to walk through it, let it sear my flesh, let it tear me open, scream with the pain of it... and then when I am finally through the fire, all the worst parts will be burned away, and I can be healed. Or at least I think that's what's supposed to happen.
But I don't want to face my demons. I don't want to really, fully realize that I have a dark side that wants a place in my brain and body and soul. I don't want to be an adult -- sexual, knowing and enjoying the pleasurable, callous, dirty side of life. I don't want to acknowledge the desires that I have within myself, the ones that always come back no matter how hard I try to suppress them. So if I won't deal with my shit, and I am tired of playing the running game, what is the answer?
To my brain, the answer is death. I feel like I just don't want to be here anymore. I do not want to deal with this shit. I don't want to deal with anything. I want to kill myself -- whether slowly or quickly (ie, either via the eating disorder, or by ODing or something similar). Whichever way I do it, though, I want to know it is working... I either want to know that my ED is on a constant downward slope, or I want to fucking die already. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of trying to cope. I'm tired of everything.
I told my psychologist the essence of this today, and I felt a little better after saying it... for awhile. But that never lasts, either. So now all I've got left is this stupid fucking head of mine, and the hope that whatever part of me still wants to live and have a real life is going to be strong enough to get me through without drastic measures. I don't want to go through all the stupid shit around ODing again... doing it, getting scared or whatever, telling someone, ending up in hospital, getting medical treatment(s), getting psychiatry consults, being essentially not helped, being discharged. Rinse and repeat times a fucking thousand. I just can't do that right now. I can't. But I know I "shouldn't" lose a lot more weight. But I want to. But I'm not losing anything, because I turn to comfort eating and purging so often. But I can't seem to let myself get medically unstable from the bulimia, either... I'm always replacing things just enough that my body is maintaining itself. So I am also completely fucking failing at any attempt to get rid of myself. And I am, of course, also sick of being a failure.
My head is tearing me completely apart. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I am lost. I can't deal. Everything is fucked.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be myself, or really be anyone else. I don't want to have to actively work at changing what I am, what I eat, what I do in my life, how I feel. It is all so tiring, and I am so tired, and sick of trying so hard when all it does is make me more and more and more tired.
I just want to not be so tired. So jaded. I want to believe the world means something, only I know that's bullshit. I spent my teen years trying to find meaning, connection, love, and look where I ended up. I got nothing. No answers, no one I can have a real relationship with and also be real, no one with whom I feel I can truly, totally show myself and be who I truly am. I can't be vulnerable; I can't be "with myself", present, just feeling what I feel; I can't be truly happy, or have true self-love, or actually WANT to take care of myself.
I am nothingness, and my head is being pulled back into the black hole.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be myself, or really be anyone else. I don't want to have to actively work at changing what I am, what I eat, what I do in my life, how I feel. It is all so tiring, and I am so tired, and sick of trying so hard when all it does is make me more and more and more tired.
I just want to not be so tired. So jaded. I want to believe the world means something, only I know that's bullshit. I spent my teen years trying to find meaning, connection, love, and look where I ended up. I got nothing. No answers, no one I can have a real relationship with and also be real, no one with whom I feel I can truly, totally show myself and be who I truly am. I can't be vulnerable; I can't be "with myself", present, just feeling what I feel; I can't be truly happy, or have true self-love, or actually WANT to take care of myself.
I am nothingness, and my head is being pulled back into the black hole.
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